Thanks so much to everyone for all the support on my last post! It really helped me feel better and less like a crappy mom! Even my friend Sylvia who reads this blog but can't comment (i think because she doesn't have a blog of her own but she should get one hint hint) sent me a lovely message on FB that made me feel tons better. I love all of you and am so greatful for your friendship!
As planned, Emma and I went to Backbone today. But instead of the 90 degree day we were promised, it was freezing! I dont even think it made it up to 70! So much for global warming. Emma was brave and got in the creek, and i waded. The water is spring-fed and cooooold! We picnicked on our favorite sandbar (I posted pics of me and chris and me and annie on it awhile back). We explored up and down the creek, and found dozens of these little toads that were no bigger than flies. They were seriously the cutest things I have ever seen!

I really wish I had brought the camera cause we rented a paddle boat which was a blast and wish I had pictures to put up of it. Emma was so excited, it was her first time on a boat. And I think my legs got quite a workout paddling that thing around the lake.

It was nice to have some one on one time with Emma. She wasn't nearly as hyper today, and even when she was it didn't get on my nerves as bad, because we were outside and there was lots of room. Even this evening when we were at home she seemed to do better I think it must be hard for her, to go back and forth all the time and have two homes and parents with two different sets of rules. I need to remember that and cut her some slack.

Tomorrow I am taking the girls to my mom-in-laws so I can do the grocery shopping and cleaning ALONE (and lets be honest-spend some uninterrupted time on the internet). Then I will pick them up and when chris gets off at 1:30 we will be off to the Wasserbahn! I haven't told the girls yet so it will be a suprise. I will take lots of pictures so I will be able to share some when I get back. For some reason my blog only lets me post 5 pictures at a time. Is that normmal?

Have a great weekend everybody!

donut

Chris had the day off today so we got to spend some time together which was nice. This morning we put Annie in the stroller and went for a really long walk. The we bolth ran errands, and I did a little packing and cleaning. Borring stuff.
We went out this afternoon in search of a donut cutter. It's like a cookie cutter in the shape of a circle with a circle in the middle. I want to make raised donuts. Now that I am doing better and allowing myself to eat "fear foods" I am OBSESSED with my deep fat fryer, which had been collecting dust in the closet. Last week I made potato chips and onion rings. I was thinking of having some family over and frying donuts. How fun would that be!
Anyway, we could not find a donut cutter anywhere, not even Bed Bath and Beyond. They even had bamboo toast tongs! But no donut cutter! Whatever...

The reality of the move is starting to set in and i am feeling a little overwhelmed. Our landlords dropped off this list of how exactly they want everything cleaned and holy crap it's going to be alot of work! But my mother in law is going to help me clean, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

I am REALLY excited to see Emma. I even had a dream last night that she was home. Oh, I talked to her today and she said that her grandma threw a big rock at her for no reason and it hit her in the shoulder. She said she started to cry, and her grandma just laughed, and then her grandpa started to comfort her and yelled at her grandma in Bosnian! What the heck is wrong with these people? I guess now I know why Zlatko is such a turd. Emma said that he has been going out all day with his girlfriend (fiancee?) and not coming back until after she is in bed. So Emma has basically been left with her grandparents every day, and they don't speak english! This makes me sad and angry. I just want her home. It is going to be a loooong time before I let her go to Bosnia again, if ever.

Well, thats about it for now. I hope everyone has a happy 4th of july! I know it sounds cheesy, but think about declaring "independence" from your eating disorder, even if only for one day. Yeah that is pretty cheesy. sheesh.

A borring post

Remember my "21 day challenge"? You know, how i wasn't going to binge or purge for 21 days? Well, I only made it 12 days. But I am going to take the advice that my friend Kara so wisely gave me when i started the challenge and i'm not going to beat myself up for not making it. I'm dissappionted, but i would still consider the experience a success. I mean, 12 days is a long time for me! That's almost 2 weeks! And. I think it's even more of a success because I wasn't restricting or sticking just to safe foods; I was challenging myself to eat regular meals and "fear foods" and still not purging. So, all in all I think I did a pretty good job. Now my task is to not let this setback become permanent; to pick myself up and start again.
Last night my heart was beating really irregularly and it really scared me. It reminded me that I have been doing this for way too long, and I cant' afford even one day of bingeing and purging. I tend to think that since i am at a healthy weight i don't have to worry about medical consequences of my behavior. Last night my heart was telling me otherwise. I so don't want to throw my life away over this!

I did get to talk to Emma yesterday. She made it to Bosnia safely and i was so relieved to hear her voice. I am thinking about her alot today and wondering how in the world I am going to make it through the next month!

Today is Annie's b-day. We had the big party last week so Emma wouldn't miss it; I think today we will just go have dinner at McDonalds and let her play on the playground there ot something.

I am having MAJOR body image issues. Due to not purging and challenging myself i have gained a little weight the last few weeks and am really struggling with it. It's really hard for me to "trust my body" because I feel like it always betrays me! I would love to be able to eat like a regular person, like my D and T say i can, but when I do, i just gain a bunch of weight! GRrr!

Well, not much else is going on here. Pretty borring stuff. Sorry i complained so much on this post. Sometimes it seems like recovery is so hard and i just need to vent.

T minus 5 days....

....and counting until Emma leaves. Zlatko is picking her up Friday evening, and they are flying out Saturday. For Bosnia. You know, that little war-torn country on the ass-end of Europe. It doesn't help that i recently saw the movie "Taken", in which Liam Niessen's character gets kidnapped by a bunch of Albanian(Bosnian) thugs and sold into the sex trade. 7 years old is too young to get kidnapped for the sex trade, right? It terrifies me that she could just dissappear and i would never see her again. Another thing that i worry about is that in Bosnia there are still land mines from the war that nobody has ever found and once in awhile someone steps on one and gets blown up. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens.

Ok, i just have to remind myself that Zlatko really loves Emma, too, and he wouldn't take her to anywhere dangerous or let anything happen to her. I hope.

But what if the plane crashes?

It's going to be a long 4 weeks.

Emma has been to Bosnia 2 other times. I'm trying to remember how i got through it before. Well, the first time she went, I timed my treatment so i would be inpatient at the Center for Change the whole time she was gone. This was extremely helpful, as there was always a nurse standing at ready with a dose of Xanax or a shot of Haldol for my FFO's (Frequent Freak Outs). And i got to process my fears and anxieties in group. But mostly, i was dealing with my eating disorder issues so much that it was a huge distraction and i didnt constantly worry about Emma.
The second time Emma went to Bosnia is more of a mystery to me. It is a mystery because i have no memory of it. I'm talking about an entire month of Emma being out of the country, and it's a total blank. There is only one probable explanation for this: heavy Xanax use. This would make sense, because i'm sure that I had alot of anxiety over Emma being gone. But it's sad to think that instead of talking about it or trying to use coping skills, i took so much Xanax that i lost memory.
Well, this is now, and i no longer have Xanax as part of my psychopharmceutical arsenal. Which is good, but at the same time, scarry! How will i deal, when those fears overtake me, and i cant get my brain to shut off, and i can't think about anything else. I can pray. I can practice trusting, which is something that I am not so good at. Trusting that everything will be ok, that things will work out. And, in an emergency, i am authorized to take some of my Seroquel as a prn.

Goals for the week: Buy an international phonecard. Take a deep breath.

2-22-09

Does anyone out ther know a good hitman? Ok, ok, just joking. But seriously, my ex- whatever (the evil Zlatko) is adding some major stress to my already maxxed-out stress load! So, here's the deal. Remember how i am moving to Ames this summer so chris can go to Iowa State University? Maybe i didnt mention it, but we are planning to move in june sometime. Ames is about 2 hours away from where we live now. I have been pretty excited about it, but have been scared to tell Zlatko. He is the father of my oldest daughter, Emma, and we have joint custody and i have placement, which means she lives with me and he sees her on the weekends. This has been working out ok but obviously when we move he probably wont get to see her every weekend, probably more like every other, wich is more standard anyway. And he wouldnt get to see her durring the week but whith his job he is out of town half the time anyways and he never sees her durring the week. So that wouldn't be any different. Anyhow, i got up the nerve to tell him about the move on friday when he came to pick up Emma and he didnt seem angry, but Chris was there and Zlatko always acts cool when other people are around. After they left i went in the bathroom and just started shaking and sobbing- that's what dealing whith this man does to me. He terrifies me! I have no idea what he is planning against me! Chris gave me a hug and comforted and it felt good to be reminded that i am not alone. I tried not to worry about it all weekend. I cant control him.
So, Emma got home tonight and we were talking while she had her bedtime snack and she told me that her dad said that he wasn't going to let her move to Ames and i felt my blood run cold. I had to restrein myself from asking her a million questions to try to find out what else he said cause after all, i have to let her be a kid and not a go- between. But i desperately wanted to! I want any clue into what he is thinking! I just know he is going to take me to court for custody! I just know it!
Ok. Ok. Dont freak out. Just accept that you cannot control him and he is going to do what he is going to do.
But what if he takes me to court. And it takes all our money. And he wins anyway. And Emma lives with him but is taken care of largely by her skanky idiot cousins. Who smoke and drink and swear. And she grows up like this. And i have no way to protect her .And she becomes like one of them. A person i dont recognise as my own daughter. And our family is broken.
These are my worst nightmares.