Sunday, February 22, 2009

2-22-09

Does anyone out ther know a good hitman? Ok, ok, just joking. But seriously, my ex- whatever (the evil Zlatko) is adding some major stress to my already maxxed-out stress load! So, here's the deal. Remember how i am moving to Ames this summer so chris can go to Iowa State University? Maybe i didnt mention it, but we are planning to move in june sometime. Ames is about 2 hours away from where we live now. I have been pretty excited about it, but have been scared to tell Zlatko. He is the father of my oldest daughter, Emma, and we have joint custody and i have placement, which means she lives with me and he sees her on the weekends. This has been working out ok but obviously when we move he probably wont get to see her every weekend, probably more like every other, wich is more standard anyway. And he wouldnt get to see her durring the week but whith his job he is out of town half the time anyways and he never sees her durring the week. So that wouldn't be any different. Anyhow, i got up the nerve to tell him about the move on friday when he came to pick up Emma and he didnt seem angry, but Chris was there and Zlatko always acts cool when other people are around. After they left i went in the bathroom and just started shaking and sobbing- that's what dealing whith this man does to me. He terrifies me! I have no idea what he is planning against me! Chris gave me a hug and comforted and it felt good to be reminded that i am not alone. I tried not to worry about it all weekend. I cant control him.
So, Emma got home tonight and we were talking while she had her bedtime snack and she told me that her dad said that he wasn't going to let her move to Ames and i felt my blood run cold. I had to restrein myself from asking her a million questions to try to find out what else he said cause after all, i have to let her be a kid and not a go- between. But i desperately wanted to! I want any clue into what he is thinking! I just know he is going to take me to court for custody! I just know it!
Ok. Ok. Dont freak out. Just accept that you cannot control him and he is going to do what he is going to do.
But what if he takes me to court. And it takes all our money. And he wins anyway. And Emma lives with him but is taken care of largely by her skanky idiot cousins. Who smoke and drink and swear. And she grows up like this. And i have no way to protect her .And she becomes like one of them. A person i dont recognise as my own daughter. And our family is broken.
These are my worst nightmares.

1 comment:

Kara said...

Oh, Lisa, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be very scary. I wish I knew the right comforting words to say, but I don't. Hang in there. Deep breathing. I know it's hard, but try not to jump to conclusions.