I took Emma, my 7 year old, out to lunch at McDonalds today, just for the heck of it. It was fun, just the sort of mother- daughter thing I imagined I would do once I had kids. I didn't tell her I was going to do it, just showed up at her school, so it was a suprise. It makes me feel kind of good that, at least today, Emma was the envy of her class. I even let her sit in the front seat ( Mcdonalds was only 3 blocks away) and I got her some High School Musical pencils!
I am trying to think of ways to connect to Emma. I feel like we are not as close as we used to be, especially since we moved to Iowa ans she started school. It seems like all the time i have with her, i spend it giving orders like, "brush your teeth... hurry up, the bus is coming... finish your dinner...share with your sister...youre being too loud..." ect. You get the picture. And this deppression doesnt help. Sometimes its all i can do to get through the day just functioning, and I dont have alot to give as a mom.
I found some pictures yesterday from when Emma was a baby that reminded me of better times, and it made me sad that she wont remember those times when she was a baby. These are the days that she will remember. Ok, maybe i am being a little hard on myself. I mean, i know i'm no "Mommie Dearest", but I could do better. I'm going to try to do some fun/bonding activity with Emma every week, just us two.
What the heck? It's raining like a mo'fo' outside, and thundering, too! I guess it has been awhile since i have heard the rain, actually, its kind of nice. Soothing, in a way. I,m wearing a robe over my clothes and 2 pairs of socks cause i cant seem to get warm today, even though i turned the heat up. I think when chris gets home i'm going to take a nice, relaxing soak in the tub. Sorry, i just started rambling about my borring life. Oh, i still havent binged or purged. I'm feeling very good about it. My next challenge is to get my intake up, cause i am kind of restricting, which is usually what i do when im not bingeing. It's that all-or-nothing thinking. But one step at a time.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago