It's messing with me

So here are the positives: I don't even remember the last time I purged. It has been several weeks. I think I have only purged two or three times since I was in the hospital, which was like 2 months ago. That's freaking awesome! And I have been eating things like pizza, ice cream, burgers, cake, ect. So it's not like I have been sticking to safe foods.

So.....why have I been losing weight? Trust me, its not my metabolism. I have never been one of those people who could just eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I had my appointment with Dr. Sean today and he ordered some labs to check my thyroid and some other stuff. He also thought it could be anxiety, or maybe I am losing weight because I am not taking the risperdal anymore. I am going to see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.

Which brings me to the negatives: While I did not lose weight on purpose this time, it has triggered some ED thoughts. Thought #1 is that I have to lose more weight by the next time I see the Dr.. Thought #2 is that I can't gain back the weight I have lost so far. It seems that simply losing a few pounds, accidently, has given Ed a bit of a toehold in my life.

I know I need to fight these thoughts. I don't need to lose any more weight. I am still ok right now, but if I lost any more it would not be healthy. I want to have a good summer and not be sick and weak all the time. I may feel sick to my stomache most of the time from the anxiety, so it is important that when I do feel like I can eat I need to eat high energy (calorie) foods so I can stay on top of this. It is so tempting to skip meals when I don't feel like eating anyway, but the thought of my family sitting down to dinner without me is just too sad, so I just keep on forcing myself to eat. I want to be healthy. I want to get through this rough patch. Recovery is not without challenges; hopefully this is just a bump in the road.

new minivan, same old ED

We had a super great time at Adventureland! unfortunatly I'm a lamo and couldn't figure out how to take pictures with mt new phone so there are no pictures. Sorry.

We are still getting to know out new city. So far I like it tons better than Waterloo. Everywhere I go I see neat looking little shops and cafe's and I think "oh, I'll have to go there sometime".

Guess what? Someone in our church gave us a minivan! How cool is that, especially since my car just died!? They did it anonymously through the Bishop, so I don't know who it was. It's an older van, but it runs great and looks pretty nice, too. It is by far the nicest vehicle I have ever owned. I wrote a really lovely, heart-felt note of thanks to whoever gave it to us and gave it to the bishop to give to them. i just hope that whoever they are, they know what a blessing they have given us!

I had a few restrictive eating days, but am pretty much back to eating normally, but my mindset is still very ED. I am just having a really hard time with my body and I really want to lose weight blah blah blah. however, the days that I restricted were miserable! I don't really want to go back to that. I think i just want to go on one of those makeover shows where thay suck all the fat out of your body and give you a tummy tuck and straighten your teeth while they are at it. But of course that would not solve all my problems because then there is my brain, which will never be happy unless it has something to obsess over. Sigh.

I <3 Emma

I took Emma, my 7 year old, out to lunch at McDonalds today, just for the heck of it. It was fun, just the sort of mother- daughter thing I imagined I would do once I had kids. I didn't tell her I was going to do it, just showed up at her school, so it was a suprise. It makes me feel kind of good that, at least today, Emma was the envy of her class. I even let her sit in the front seat ( Mcdonalds was only 3 blocks away) and I got her some High School Musical pencils!
I am trying to think of ways to connect to Emma. I feel like we are not as close as we used to be, especially since we moved to Iowa ans she started school. It seems like all the time i have with her, i spend it giving orders like, "brush your teeth... hurry up, the bus is coming... finish your dinner...share with your sister...youre being too loud..." ect. You get the picture. And this deppression doesnt help. Sometimes its all i can do to get through the day just functioning, and I dont have alot to give as a mom.
I found some pictures yesterday from when Emma was a baby that reminded me of better times, and it made me sad that she wont remember those times when she was a baby. These are the days that she will remember. Ok, maybe i am being a little hard on myself. I mean, i know i'm no "Mommie Dearest", but I could do better. I'm going to try to do some fun/bonding activity with Emma every week, just us two.
What the heck? It's raining like a mo'fo' outside, and thundering, too! I guess it has been awhile since i have heard the rain, actually, its kind of nice. Soothing, in a way. I,m wearing a robe over my clothes and 2 pairs of socks cause i cant seem to get warm today, even though i turned the heat up. I think when chris gets home i'm going to take a nice, relaxing soak in the tub. Sorry, i just started rambling about my borring life. Oh, i still havent binged or purged. I'm feeling very good about it. My next challenge is to get my intake up, cause i am kind of restricting, which is usually what i do when im not bingeing. It's that all-or-nothing thinking. But one step at a time.