It's messing with me

So here are the positives: I don't even remember the last time I purged. It has been several weeks. I think I have only purged two or three times since I was in the hospital, which was like 2 months ago. That's freaking awesome! And I have been eating things like pizza, ice cream, burgers, cake, ect. So it's not like I have been sticking to safe foods.

So.....why have I been losing weight? Trust me, its not my metabolism. I have never been one of those people who could just eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I had my appointment with Dr. Sean today and he ordered some labs to check my thyroid and some other stuff. He also thought it could be anxiety, or maybe I am losing weight because I am not taking the risperdal anymore. I am going to see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.

Which brings me to the negatives: While I did not lose weight on purpose this time, it has triggered some ED thoughts. Thought #1 is that I have to lose more weight by the next time I see the Dr.. Thought #2 is that I can't gain back the weight I have lost so far. It seems that simply losing a few pounds, accidently, has given Ed a bit of a toehold in my life.

I know I need to fight these thoughts. I don't need to lose any more weight. I am still ok right now, but if I lost any more it would not be healthy. I want to have a good summer and not be sick and weak all the time. I may feel sick to my stomache most of the time from the anxiety, so it is important that when I do feel like I can eat I need to eat high energy (calorie) foods so I can stay on top of this. It is so tempting to skip meals when I don't feel like eating anyway, but the thought of my family sitting down to dinner without me is just too sad, so I just keep on forcing myself to eat. I want to be healthy. I want to get through this rough patch. Recovery is not without challenges; hopefully this is just a bump in the road.

not much going on

hmm, dont really know what to write about today. Still plugging along! I worked out today and got seriously hit on by this one guy, who asked me if I was marrried and told me to tell my husband he was "married to a fine-lookin' woman". It was a compliment, but I also felt kind of inrtuded upon since I was in the middle of working out. I mean, it's the YWCA, for pete's sake. One of the reasons I go there is to avoid friendly-type males. Oh well.
I weighed myself at the Y (even though I had decided to only weigh at my dietitians office) and the weight is about the same. I was kind of relieved to have quit gaining. So maybe this is my natural healthy weight. I guess that would be ok. I mean, it's not unbearable like the weight they put me up to last year when i was in treatment at UIHC. But it's still healthy, and I don't have to restrict and can eat meals with my family and even have treats. I had a take 5 McFlurry last night and it was delicious! I think those are my new favorite food.
Emma is getting back on sunday and I am so excited! I think the month has gone by super-fast.
I am kind of worried about my big move at the end of the month. Historically I do not do well with change. My ED usually siezes it's chance durring an upset and flourishes. I so want to stay on track! This is the best I have ever done in recovery, I think ever! I have certainly weighed more before (my bogus "target weight" at UIHC) but this is the first time I have ever gained weight on my own, willingly (except durring pregnancy), and I have never felt so positive and hopefull about recovery before. I guess part of me feels like I am doing TOO good; that it won't last. But if there is one thing I have learned it is to not worry too much about the future and take things one day at a time.
Well, that is about it for now. I didn't purge all day yesterday and today has been good so far. I feel very calm and peacefull today which is a good thing.
I hope everyone has a good day today and wish you all success as well!