doing better

hmm I guess it's time for an update. The really really good news first.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................................................................
....I have a psychiatrist!!!!! And he's NICE! And he listens!! And he didn't just tell me to go excercise!!!

I had my first appointment with him last Friday. We talked for a long time, mostly about my anxiety. He thinks I should be on an SSRI (Pristiq is an SNRI), so he asked me to go back on Lexapro. I started to cry, because I was scared. Remember, a few months ago Dr. Sean had me go on Lexapro and I thought I had seratonin syndrome from taking too many meds together? I just started worrying that this would happen again. I told the new doctor this and he talked with me about seratonin syndrome and how rare it is and how even the meds I am on would not cause it. He said if I started to worry or feel weird I could call his nurse, and he introduced me to her before I left so she would know who I was. So anyways, I have been taking the Lexapro since friday and already I feel better. I feel hopeful. BTW my new dr's name is Steenblock but I will just call him Dr. S.

I have dental work looming this afternoon. Last night I had two nightmares about it. Well, a nightmare within a nightmare. Like in the movie inception. I dream like that alot. Like, I will have a dream, and "wake up" into another dream. It's funky. Anyways, I am really dreading my dental appointment. I hope this new dentist is nice. I hope I dont have a panic attack and end up bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ed-wise things are ok. A few weeks ago I was feeling really great about my recovery and was even going to write a huge post about it, full of hope and insight and wisdom blah blah blah. Then I ran into a rough patch with my anxiety and for some reason it triggered alot of ED thoughts. Not behaviors, just thoughts about restricting and losing weight. And it made me wonder, am I really as recovered as I thought I was? I guess the fact that I didnt do any restricting or purging says something. But it seems that sometimes when I am struggling with other things in my life, the ED thoughts pop up like an old security blanket. Just when I thought they were gone, there they are. I guess that's probably normal though. I mean, it was my way of coping for years. I still feel good about where I am in my recovery, but some of the "rah rah go fight win" has been sucked out of me. And that's ok. I'll get it back.

XOLisa

FEMA, furniture, ED, and stuff

Grrr I am at my inlaws and their internet is appallingly slow. I have nearly given up on posting but I guess since the page finally loaded I will give it a shot....

We still are not back home (my apartment flooded last month) but hopefully at the end of this week we can start moving some things in. On the bright side, we got a huge FEMA check! For those of you who aren't familiar with FEMA, it is the Federal Emergency Management Agency. It helps people out who have been affected by disasters and thigs like that. Anyways, I got to go furniture shopping in a real live furniture store (not Wal-Mart, Garage sale, or thrift shop) and get new furniture, which is something I have never done before. I think up until now, all of my furniture has been used, or cheap, like the kind you have to assemble at home. And there is nothing wrong with that. I am a thrifty person and I think if I can find something that is cheap and looks nice, why not? But one of the FEMA rules is that you HAVE to spend the money on replacing your stuff (like, you cant go to Disney with it or spend it on lipo *sigh*), and they gave us alot of money. So there it is. I guess there are some upsides to what has happened. There was a list of "luxury items" we were not allowed to spend the money on and I was amused to see that VCR's were on it. VCR? Really, FEMA? I dont think a VCR was considered a luxury item since 1990....

I am still doing pretty good with the eating disorder. I realised that I only purged one time this whole summer! That is, like, really good. I went out for pizza at Old Chicago last night with some family and was just fine. Pizza was always a big problem for me. It was one of those foods I only ate when I was bingeing, or else not at all. The concept of just eating a slice or two of pizza and not having a total nervous breakdown over it used to be so foriegn to me. I'm just amazed to be doing so well after all those years of struggle. It kind of blows my mind.

To be honest, sometimes I feel conflicted about recovery. I read about people who aren't doing so well and are in the hospital and I feel bad for them but I also sometimes miss being in the hospital (well, certain ones anyway). Like, someone is always there to listen to you and you get taken care of and you dont have to worry about normal day to day responsibilities. Sometimes I miss the days when all my decisions boiled down to "well, will I eat today or not?". I miss people worrying about me, and asking if I am ok. I feel like the healthier I get, the more people back away. Like "look at how good Lisa is doing, she can handle things on her own now". I want a big effing shirt that says "I May Look Healthy, But I'm Not Ok!". I still hurt. I'm still overwhelmed. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, prehaps even more so now that I dont use my ED to cope.

But I don't think relapse is the answer for me. Even though sometimes the ED "looks good", I'm sure my thinking is along those lines of the grass always being greener on the other side. As those of you who are struggling can tell, eating disorders are hell.
I think I just need to be more vocal. I need to let people know when I need help. How will people know I am not ok unless I say something? I used to rely on my eating disorder to "say it" for me. It's time for me to speak up.

"does this hemoglobin make my butt look big?"

I discovered that my ED is not really dead. The thoughts are still there, lurking.

Yesterday I had my hemoglobin checked, because I have been feeling weak and anemic. I usually am slightly anemic, but I wanted to find out if it had gotten worse. So I was suprised when the nurse told me it was a 12, which is within normal range. Following the suprise, I immediately felt...disappointed? Embarassed?

Fat?

Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, having a normal hemoglobin level made me feel fat. You know how anorexics commonly confuse "healthy" with "fat"? For example:

Well-meaning person: "Gee, Lisa, you are looking so healthy!"
Me: "your MOM's healthy."

Ok no I wouldn't really say that. But you get what I mean. To someone with an ED, "healthy" isn't always a compliment.

I have the same thing with my blood pressure. I have hereditary low blood pressure, and combine that with the ED my blood pressure was like crazy low. In a sick way I guess I felt a little proud of it and whenever I was in the hospital I wouls always listen as everyone was getting their bp's taken to make sure mine was the lowest, or at least in the bottom three. I know, right? Whatever gets you through the day, I guess. Inevitably as I would start to restore weight and get hydrated my bp would rise and I would fall into a bit of a funk as I realized that I wasn't "sick" anymore. Without an acute illness to define myself by, I didn't feel special or important.

I still feel that way a little bit sometimes. But I have to tell myself that what makes me special and important is not the ability to starve myself, or throw up my food. I am special because I am human, an individual, someone with many talents and abilities. I have the ability to grow, change, love, and be loved. I am important to many people, but especially my girls, to then I am the whole world.

Why did I , at such a young age, buy into the belief that my worth could be measured by weights or numbers or lab reults? Why did I cling to it for so long?

So yes, I still do have the thoughts. They pop in and out. But I don't act on them anymore. Mostly I just ignore them. Sometimes I ponder them.

And sometimes, they make me laugh.

It's messing with me

So here are the positives: I don't even remember the last time I purged. It has been several weeks. I think I have only purged two or three times since I was in the hospital, which was like 2 months ago. That's freaking awesome! And I have been eating things like pizza, ice cream, burgers, cake, ect. So it's not like I have been sticking to safe foods.

So.....why have I been losing weight? Trust me, its not my metabolism. I have never been one of those people who could just eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I had my appointment with Dr. Sean today and he ordered some labs to check my thyroid and some other stuff. He also thought it could be anxiety, or maybe I am losing weight because I am not taking the risperdal anymore. I am going to see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.

Which brings me to the negatives: While I did not lose weight on purpose this time, it has triggered some ED thoughts. Thought #1 is that I have to lose more weight by the next time I see the Dr.. Thought #2 is that I can't gain back the weight I have lost so far. It seems that simply losing a few pounds, accidently, has given Ed a bit of a toehold in my life.

I know I need to fight these thoughts. I don't need to lose any more weight. I am still ok right now, but if I lost any more it would not be healthy. I want to have a good summer and not be sick and weak all the time. I may feel sick to my stomache most of the time from the anxiety, so it is important that when I do feel like I can eat I need to eat high energy (calorie) foods so I can stay on top of this. It is so tempting to skip meals when I don't feel like eating anyway, but the thought of my family sitting down to dinner without me is just too sad, so I just keep on forcing myself to eat. I want to be healthy. I want to get through this rough patch. Recovery is not without challenges; hopefully this is just a bump in the road.

it was an awkward situation but I handled it well

I haven't been around blogland much this weekend because I did some impromptu camping with my sister, her boyfriend, and about 50 member's of her boyfriend's family. Ok, so not 5o. It was me, my sister and Kevin, and 3 other families. That's alot of new people for this shy girl to meet, but I put my best foot forward and I think I did ok. Well, how could I go wrong when I had Annie with me, she is so cute and everyone just loved her. Emma was at her dad's house so she wasn't there, and I missed her the whole time.

So here's my personal drama/awkward situation from this weekend: one of Kevin's (my sister's boyfriend) in-laws (who was there this weekend) is a staffperson at the UIHC eating disorders program!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, the place I was hospitalised at 5 times, where I was drug in twice in handcuffs (once still drunk from the escapade I chronicled in my previous post, once kicking and screaming like a lunatic)! The place I escaped from in '98, only to end up back 3 months later. The place that still gives me nightmares. Yeah, that place.

When I looked up and saw Staffperson there I felt like the universe had shifted, or I was in some weird time/place warp, or possibly I was hallucinating. What was Staffperson doing on a campout with my sister? I think it was a little suprising for Staffperson to see me there as well, but they handled it well (yes, I'm being specifically vague and not even revealing the gender of staffperson, because maybe someone who reads this might end up in UIHC sometime, and if it got back to Staffperson that I blogged about them I would just die).

Fortunately, this Staffperson was one of the few people in that program who was nice to me and who I didn't have a problem with. So that was good. We actually got along really well this weekend. It did get a little weird once when we were alone and Staffperson said "so, how have things been going? Things going ok?" I felt really uncomfortable and wished that it hadn't been brought up, but fortunately I was have been doing ok in the ED department so I was able to answer truthfully "Good! Things are going really good!". Staffperson has a little boy who is Annie's age and they played together alot and sometimes I felt a little funny, like if you would have told me 8 years ago that we would be camping together and our kids would play together and I would be helping Staff's son catch fireflies, I wouldn't have believed you.

I know I will see staffperson again because Jessica and Kevin's relationship is serious; they just bought a house together and I wouldn't be suprised if they get married. Jessica hang's out with Kevin's family alot (including Staffperson) and so I will probably see Staffperson at barbeques/camping/ect. But I think after this weekend I can handle it.

One thing, though. Staffperson has kind of a unique voice. Not really a lisp, but there is something about it that is just different. It is definitely a voice I only associate with being at UIHC. So once in awhile this weekend, Staffperson would say something and I would be caught off guard hearing the voice and have this weird fight or flight response, the one I get when I am in Iowa City, or hear of someone going into treatment at UIHC, or spend time in therapy talking about my experiences there. So yeah, there was some some anxiety this weekend. But I handled it well.

Other things crossed my mind this weekend. Like, if Staff sees me drinking Diet Coke with breakfast, will they think I am still sick? If I have to go to the bathroom right after a meal, will they think I am purging? You know, stuff like that. I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that the world does not revolve around me. Contrary to my paranoia, other people are not thinking about me all the time. Other people are thinking about their own lives! Duh! People have better things to think about than how much food is on my plate or how often I go to the bathroom. It was very helpful to remind myself of this.

Mostly, I just had a really good time this weekend and did some really healthy things. Things you can't really do well with an eating disorder, like swimming and boating and climbing a really tall observation tower and roasting marshmallows (and eating them). I had a blast!

living through it

Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.

Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.

I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.

reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!

#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.

#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.

#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.

#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.

#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.

#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.

Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.

Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!

We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!

Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!

discouragment

Well, i had a pretty good day yesterday. I didn't binge, purge, or restrict yesterday, and there was the whole garlic toast thing that I am very proud of. So how did I start my day this morning? With my head in the toilet! Why are mornings such a problem for me? I just am so anxious from the morning I get up that i want to stuff my face with the first thing that I see, then I get more anxious so I purge. Why cant I get mornings under control?

The other thing that is getting me down is that the desire to be thin has returned full force. But its not rational, and it's not even really what i want. I still believe all the stuff I wrote the other day. I still want a life that is filled with joy, freedom, and meaning, which does not include and ED. But....I have this burning desire to lose a bunch of weight and be emaciated. It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out loud. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't know why this has such a hold on me. Why i am still so obsessed with it and driven by it. I wish I could have a surgeon go into my head and cut out the ED part. If there was a surgery for this I would have it. I really would.

I'm just so frustrated with myself right now.

Well it's time to pick myself back up and salvage the rest of the day. I WILL be healthy today, even if it's not what I want. But I do want it! Argh...

garlic toast.

Ok, so tonight I was making a spaghetti dinner for my family (with spaghetti squash instead of noodles, yum!) and I was putting slices of garlic toast in the oven and I put only 3 slices on the cookie sheet. It was automatic. I never eat the garlic toast. But tonight I paused, and thought about it. I never eat the garlic toast for purely ED reasons. I actually love garlic toast! I usually sneak a bite of Annie's but never have a whole piece myself.

So I started thinking about this and thinking about my "being brave" post I wrote the other night and thought "ok Lisa, it's time to put your money where your mouth is".

But Ed said "garlic toast has no nutritional value! It is just white bread and butter".

"Well," I thought, "but it's tasty".

I began to realize that this was about more than just a piece of bread. It was about making decisions not based on ED. About changing my behavior patterns that keep me unhealthy.

SO I had a piece of garlic toasy with my dinner. It was delicious.

Build-a-Bear guilt

Well it was rainy and crappy today and after watching the girls sit in front of the tv for about 20 hours I finally said "enough!" and we decided to drive to Des Moines to the "cool mall". And it was a really nice mall; I was really impressed. The only place in Iowa that you can find a Bannana Republic. La de da. They did have a huge kiddie playland and the girls played there for a long time which was fun. But.......

I made the mistake of takning the girls to Build-a-Bear just to look, since we don't have one in Ames. Before long Emma was begging hardcore. She just HAD to have a friend for her buildabear that she has at home (that she never plays with and currently doesn't even know the lacation of). I have to admit, though, that Build-a-bear is sort of a magical place if you have kids, and I really was starting to want to buy her one. You know how they say "you can't buy happiness?" Well, at that moment I felt like i really could buy her happiness.

Then thr saleslady came and told me about the special- any bear+one outfit+shoes for $30. That seemed like a borderline-good deal to me. But then I realized that if I got one for Emma, I would have to buy one for Annie, and $30 suddenly turned into $60. And with all the bills we have looming I just couldn't justify spending $60 on stuffed animals. Nomatter how cute their little outfits are.

Emma was just crushed and moped around the mall the rest of the time, which sort of sucked the fun out of the rest of the day and made me feel really guilty. I felt like I was denying her a vital childhood experience or something. I guess it's a good thing Chris was there, or i might have caved. I just feel so sad that I don't have the money to but things like that for her.

I did explain to her that there were lots of things that Mommy wanted to but, too, but wasn't going too. I think it helped her to relate that she wasn't the only one who wanted something and didn't get it (dELIAS).

Grrr i hate money.

Ok and I had that therapy appointment today. It was ok I guess. Well, the first thing is, this lady is only 31! I'm trying to decide if this is a problem or not. On the one hand, I have this sort of belief that my therapist should have been practicing at least as long as I have been recieving therapy (18 yrs) in order to have the insight to help me. BUt maybe I am wrong. I don't know. But here is one thing: I think that I also seek out older therapists so I can find someone to have a "parent-child" relationship with, and I'm not sure why I do this but I suspect it is not healthy. one of my goals is to feel more like an adult, with assurance and power and all that stuff, so I guess I don't need someone with whom I will revert back to a childlike dependence.
One big bonus- she didn't go to the University of Iowa (home of the hospital that has the ED program that I have been committed to 5 times and refer to as "evil hell" in this blog). I have a huge prejudice against those folks in Iowa City, who think they know everything about everything. Hope I didn't just offend anyone. Oh well.
We didn't get through my whole "timeline" today; I saved the worst for tommorrow. Lets just say it's something so bad I don't even talk about it on this blog because I'm afraid of what everyone would think. But I'm allowed to have secrets. Everyone is. Anyway, I'm saving that for next time. but I told her a little bit about it today and she doesn't hate me.

Ed wise i am doing ok. I'm throwing up alot but somehow maintainong my weight so I guess you could say I am doing good In some areas and not so good in others. I really really want to restrict and lose weight but since that laast time that I wrote about I haven't. But I have that secret fear that says " your therapist wont take you seriously or think you are really sick cause you look so normal! You must lose lose lose!". But i'm trying to refute this with the facts and so far am doing ok.

Well thats about it for now.

new minivan, same old ED

We had a super great time at Adventureland! unfortunatly I'm a lamo and couldn't figure out how to take pictures with mt new phone so there are no pictures. Sorry.

We are still getting to know out new city. So far I like it tons better than Waterloo. Everywhere I go I see neat looking little shops and cafe's and I think "oh, I'll have to go there sometime".

Guess what? Someone in our church gave us a minivan! How cool is that, especially since my car just died!? They did it anonymously through the Bishop, so I don't know who it was. It's an older van, but it runs great and looks pretty nice, too. It is by far the nicest vehicle I have ever owned. I wrote a really lovely, heart-felt note of thanks to whoever gave it to us and gave it to the bishop to give to them. i just hope that whoever they are, they know what a blessing they have given us!

I had a few restrictive eating days, but am pretty much back to eating normally, but my mindset is still very ED. I am just having a really hard time with my body and I really want to lose weight blah blah blah. however, the days that I restricted were miserable! I don't really want to go back to that. I think i just want to go on one of those makeover shows where thay suck all the fat out of your body and give you a tummy tuck and straighten your teeth while they are at it. But of course that would not solve all my problems because then there is my brain, which will never be happy unless it has something to obsess over. Sigh.

recommitted

ok, time to get back on the recovery train. Choo Choo! I have been thinking about losing weight lately, which has led to more purging because I was no longer willing to let myself eat what I needed, which has led to more bingeing and purging. Yesterday I restricted all day, which only made me feel weak and stressed out while I was trying to pack. Plus, I almost cancelled my dietitian appointment today because i didn't want to face the decision of whether or not to weigh myself. And I felt like, whats the use anyway, since I have decided to give up on recovery and lose weight?

SO, I did go to the dietitcian, and I DID weigh myself, and found I have gained 2 pounds since 3 weeks ago. But you know what, My weight still wasn't as high as I thought it was. So I was sitting there telling my D all my thoughts that I just wrote here above, and she reminded me that I am going through a stressful time and I was just trying to get some control back by trying to lose weight. She thought i would benefit from some excercise, which I havent been doing lately. And she reminded me that as long as I was purging my weight wouldn,t stabalize, which i already knew.

So since I have left my appointment I have been doing some thinking. I have decided to recommit to recovery. I have not been happy since I have been thinking about losing weight (nor have I lost any weight, so what's the freaking point?). All I have accomplished is increased purging and decreased satisfaction with my body. Plus, I need to be strong and healthy for the move. And lets face it, restricting is just deppressing. All I do when I am restricting is think about food and what I can or can't eat and when I am going to eat next and so on. We are havving sloppy joes tonight and I had been planning to eat only a quarter cup of the meat and no bun and no chips. Or, eat what I wanted but then I would purge. That's no way to live! Why not just give myself permission to eat, like everyone else does!?

So, I am getting back on the horse. No, I do not like my weight. but it will stabalize if I quit messing with it. I am going to eat reasonable portions tonight and not purge. If I feel full, or fat, or guilty, or like freaking out, that will just have to be ok. Because I recognise that If I keep doing what I have been doing, I will just be in the same place I was 5 months ago, starting all over again. Year after year, as has been the pattern the last 14 years.

The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.

I am just going to tell myself the samr thing that I would tell any of you if you were struggling. That there is going to be some discomfort. That it will not be fun. But the rewards are long term. It will be worth it.

it rained on us!

In case you are wondering why we are back so soon it's because it rained on us. Boo! I woke up this morning to the rain, so we had breakfast in the tent, and when it stopped raining I packed us up and we hit the road. We are now home, unpacked, showered, laundry is in the washer and dinner is in the crockpot. Go me!
I was dissappointed we didn't get to stay today, but glad we went up early yesterday so we could have fun when the weather was beautiful. We had a really great time!

We roasted marshmallows and hotdogs and did sparklers and all that fun stuff.
Our campsite was beautiful and secluded. In fact we were the only ones there. It made me a little nervous as it was the perfect setting to be axe-murdered by a psychotic woodsman, but that didn't happen.

Emma caught this toad and i gave up my dishwashing bucket so she could keep it for the day.
She named it Goggles.

There is a really tall tower that they used to use for looking out for forest fires (like that ever happens in Iowa). We climbed to the top and my legs are still sore!

Well those are the pics. We also found this neat lille sandbar at the river by our campsite that we waded on and made sandcastles but i didn't have my camera so no pictures. Overall it was a fun time, but I wish Chriss had been there, both for the adult company and the help.

I was really glad I have been doing so well with my eating and weight. It would have sucked if I was too weak and didn't have the stamina to keep up with the girls and haul the gear. Plus it's hard to have a good time when you are starving and obsessed with food and when you are getting your next mouthful. So hooray for camping while in recovery!

i say "in recovery" tenatively because I am still purging (didn't while camping though) sometimes and struggle with body image. I know I have a long way to go. Every day I want to lose weight and have to fight the urge to restrict. Most days I am convinced that I don't have what it takes to stay at this weight and am convinced that sooner or later i will return to my old ways. So for right now I am taking it one day at a time.

Didn't mean to get all negative all of a sudden. I just didn't want to misrepresent where I am in recovery :).

So the next challenge: Moving on the 31st. Yay.