Well, i had a pretty good day yesterday. I didn't binge, purge, or restrict yesterday, and there was the whole garlic toast thing that I am very proud of. So how did I start my day this morning? With my head in the toilet! Why are mornings such a problem for me? I just am so anxious from the morning I get up that i want to stuff my face with the first thing that I see, then I get more anxious so I purge. Why cant I get mornings under control?
The other thing that is getting me down is that the desire to be thin has returned full force. But its not rational, and it's not even really what i want. I still believe all the stuff I wrote the other day. I still want a life that is filled with joy, freedom, and meaning, which does not include and ED. But....I have this burning desire to lose a bunch of weight and be emaciated. It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out loud. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't know why this has such a hold on me. Why i am still so obsessed with it and driven by it. I wish I could have a surgeon go into my head and cut out the ED part. If there was a surgery for this I would have it. I really would.
I'm just so frustrated with myself right now.
Well it's time to pick myself back up and salvage the rest of the day. I WILL be healthy today, even if it's not what I want. But I do want it! Argh...
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago