Well, i had a pretty good day yesterday. I didn't binge, purge, or restrict yesterday, and there was the whole garlic toast thing that I am very proud of. So how did I start my day this morning? With my head in the toilet! Why are mornings such a problem for me? I just am so anxious from the morning I get up that i want to stuff my face with the first thing that I see, then I get more anxious so I purge. Why cant I get mornings under control?
The other thing that is getting me down is that the desire to be thin has returned full force. But its not rational, and it's not even really what i want. I still believe all the stuff I wrote the other day. I still want a life that is filled with joy, freedom, and meaning, which does not include and ED. But....I have this burning desire to lose a bunch of weight and be emaciated. It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out loud. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't know why this has such a hold on me. Why i am still so obsessed with it and driven by it. I wish I could have a surgeon go into my head and cut out the ED part. If there was a surgery for this I would have it. I really would.
I'm just so frustrated with myself right now.
Well it's time to pick myself back up and salvage the rest of the day. I WILL be healthy today, even if it's not what I want. But I do want it! Argh...
Unsolicited Advice
7 years ago
8 comments:
Good thing to pick yourself back up. You can do it.
The desire to be not just thin but emaciated is ED. I know I have the same thoughts. I want to be so thin - I'm not going there it validates ED. IT IS NOT YOU! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You need to think of being there for your kids and be good to yourself. You need to talk to someone and describe how thin you are. Silence is what you use to beat up ED voices. Don't listen to that voice!
That will get you no where when it comes to anything, especially family and living. Your kids have undoubtedly picked up on your ED already, even if you think they haven't. You don't want them to end up sick too.
Those feelings are totally valid and understandable. Go you for mustering up the motivation to keep on doing what you need to do!
I've been thinking over the last two days that I know I really *do* want the life of normal eating where I'm not held back by body image issues or food guilt, etc. It's like, when I think about it, I know that I want a life where I eat in a moderate, balanced way; I "put myself out there" no matter how I'm feeling about my body; and I just let myself be free to really live. Yet, somehow, in the day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis, I too get caught up in the "hunger high" or the desire to feel empty and thin. But every time I stop to think, I know that's not really want I want. I think, for both of us, this will just take a lot of constant practice: "Is this what I really want?" Asking ourselves that every day, multiple times a day. This blog can be a way for you to remind yoruself of who YOU really are adn the YOU you want to become. (The Evolved You). I need constant reminders that I want to become the Evolved ME. And, we also ahve to remember that the Evolved Us cannot get have any ED. I know you want this and I know you can do this. It's just taking a lot of constant reminders that you want it. I will keep reminding you, and you keep reminding me :)
"The other thing that is getting me down is that the desire to be thin has returned full force. But its not rational, and it's not even really what i want."
I feel like this right now, too :( But I bet neither of us are thinking rationally. I'll support you through the blog-world :)
I still have those thoughts...a lot. But what got me through the hard times, was to just get back up and keep moving. Even if I JUST messed up. I would journal (I didn't know about blogging at the time...) and call Steve or go to your house. It will really help when you start making new friendships in Ames because then you will have more people you can chill with. What really helped me was having people with me. Remember after thanksgiving dinner we went on a walk? That is exactly what helped me. Talking about it, distracting, walking to disperse that anxious energy. Maybe you could take a morning walk to start the day. Not even a long one, but just to get out of the house and collect your thoughts. Then if you feel stressed you could blog and then have breakfast. That way everything won't be pushing on you before a meal. Then afterwards you could watch a show or if it's too much to sit down, you could take Annie outside or on a little walk or do an art activity. I know it sounds lame, but that's what really helped me break the cycle. Releasing through blogs, distraction before/after meals so I didn't have an overflow of pent up anxiety.
Good job eating that garlic toast! It only means that you're farther along on your path to recovery. ED is trying to ruin your thoughts by telling you that you need to be thin, or that you have to binge/purge. Don't give in to these thoughts. You are so powerful and so much stronger than ED ever will be, and you CAN fight this.
Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, its a huge thing for you to share and it's a good thing.
I still have those thoughts, but my actions overcome them (by eating, communicating my emotions, etc) After the hospital and a year of therapy my negative thoughts/behaviors don't get carried out because I know they don't get me anywhere. My ED was stronger when I had no other alternatives to my bad behaviors, and isolating myself from everyone.
Stay strong!
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