I am sad today. Really sad. And empty and lonely.
Ok, I will get back to that in a minute. Here's some good news: Emma had her first day of school today and she had a great day and made friends! Hooray! I thought of her all day and said silent prayers for her and stuff. I love her so much and just want her to be happy.
Now back to the downer. Maybe it is because Emma is back in school and Chris will be back in school Monday and I know that it will just be me and Annie all day. Now, i love Annie and I love spending time with her, but i get really lonely for adult company. Being a stay at home mom is kind of isolating. And I don't know any other mommies here yet to get together for playdates.
When I start to feel isolated my brain starts getting weird. I sort of "turn inward" and obsess about things more. Including food and weight. It's almost like I am looking for my "old friend" to comfort me. Too bad that's the same old friend that could potentially kill me.
I can tell i'm going to have to be proactive about this. Nobody's going to tackle me on the street and say "hey you look cool! Will you be my friend?". I have heard that the rec center has an indoor playground thats open durring the winter months for toddlers and its only like 75 cents to get in and you can hang with the other mums while the kids play. That would probably be good for Annie, too. In the meantime, i think I'm going to corner some poor unsuspecting mom at church and see if she wants to have a playdate. That would be so unlike me. I'm more of a mope-in-the-corner type of gal, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm going to have to be outgoing *gasp*!
I didn't purge today, but there was some restricting going on. At first it was because my stomache was a little upset and nothing sounded good, but after awhile I started to feel better and really could have eaten. But ED crept in and said "you are doing so good (bad) today, why don't you keep it up, if you haven't eaten dinner yet there is no reason to now". Bad bad bad i know. I wish I could get back some of that motivation that I had at the beginning of the summer. You know, when I was all gung ho about recovery. And I wrote all those posts about my deep fat fryer haha! Recovery was more fun back then for some reason. Now it just feels like work. And I'm tired.
Sorry to be such a downer. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Love you all :)
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago