Thursday, August 20, 2009

*yawn and sigh*

I am sad today. Really sad. And empty and lonely.

Ok, I will get back to that in a minute. Here's some good news: Emma had her first day of school today and she had a great day and made friends! Hooray! I thought of her all day and said silent prayers for her and stuff. I love her so much and just want her to be happy.

Now back to the downer. Maybe it is because Emma is back in school and Chris will be back in school Monday and I know that it will just be me and Annie all day. Now, i love Annie and I love spending time with her, but i get really lonely for adult company. Being a stay at home mom is kind of isolating. And I don't know any other mommies here yet to get together for playdates.

When I start to feel isolated my brain starts getting weird. I sort of "turn inward" and obsess about things more. Including food and weight. It's almost like I am looking for my "old friend" to comfort me. Too bad that's the same old friend that could potentially kill me.

I can tell i'm going to have to be proactive about this. Nobody's going to tackle me on the street and say "hey you look cool! Will you be my friend?". I have heard that the rec center has an indoor playground thats open durring the winter months for toddlers and its only like 75 cents to get in and you can hang with the other mums while the kids play. That would probably be good for Annie, too. In the meantime, i think I'm going to corner some poor unsuspecting mom at church and see if she wants to have a playdate. That would be so unlike me. I'm more of a mope-in-the-corner type of gal, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm going to have to be outgoing *gasp*!

I didn't purge today, but there was some restricting going on. At first it was because my stomache was a little upset and nothing sounded good, but after awhile I started to feel better and really could have eaten. But ED crept in and said "you are doing so good (bad) today, why don't you keep it up, if you haven't eaten dinner yet there is no reason to now". Bad bad bad i know. I wish I could get back some of that motivation that I had at the beginning of the summer. You know, when I was all gung ho about recovery. And I wrote all those posts about my deep fat fryer haha! Recovery was more fun back then for some reason. Now it just feels like work. And I'm tired.

Sorry to be such a downer. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Love you all :)


Kara said...

I'm glad that you are going to push yourself to be more outgoing to meet some other moms. Being out going is really hard for me too, so I understand. In an outgoing moment I planned a party (think: small gathering) at my house for Saturday and now I'm like, what was I thinking???? Eek. We are both going to have to put our hardhats on and push ourselves.

Recovery IS hard. Sometimes we are more motivated than other times and sometimes it's easier than other times. Just remember that ups and downs come and go.

Zena said...

WOWSER!!! you guys start school early...what grade is emma in? ALyssa is going into first and I am SOOOOOO nervous for her and Zack is going into yeah it willbe just me and Isaiah...he will be 2.5 years I totally get the ummm what am I gonna do with myself mentality...I will have 3 hours every morning where ummm it will be just me and the little man... and so far the only thing i have thought to do with him is to take LONG walks in the for know so me and ED can hang out in ummm peace....bad thinking I know, but like you my bad time is always the change in seasons...maybe its cause its like the real start of a new year cause it was always school time...and all new things were happening... but yeah I totally get it..know you are not alone..I will be right here with trying to figure out home to be alone with my toddler and not let ED gain power over my thoughts...I think you had some really GREAT Ideas about how to stay busy...and 75 cents for and indoor gym welll color me crazy but thats a heck of a deal!!!...corner a lady at church heck hold her down with a gun and demand that she and her little one get together and mean if you have a gun she gonna say yes :) she might be afriad but once she gets to know you shell realize the gun thing is just one of your quirks :) okay go get yourself some breakfast...get your babe off to school, play with annie, watch some sponge bob, go play for 75 cents and have yourself one heck of a day!!!

Love you lots


Eating Alone said...

Yep being outgoing is hard. I hate it, but I'm learning. It does no good to sit at home and wonder why no one knocks on your door and say's hi. Heck I even scared away the all the missionaries.

lisalisa said...

Hahaha Eating Alone- I'm a Mormon and i think that's how I joined the church. I mean, when the missionaries knocked on my door I was so lonely that I MADE them talk to me, and ended up joining! said...

You know what?


I'm so serious. Can I be just like you? :)

You are though! You are not gung-ho about recovery or about being outgoing, but you are very realistic and you know what you need to do to have the life you want to have and to avoid the isolation you want to avoid so.... excited or not.... you are going to do it. And that is so awesome!

Keep this up, my friend!

You are challenging yourself and it's all for the best and I'm so proud of you and you make me so happy!


Alexandra Rising said...

I just came across your blog [by blog surfing, of course] and I just wanted to comment to say that the picture of your younger daughter playing dress up is ADORABLE. It made me smile.
You should definitely join the center where your daughter can play, it sounds like a great way to meet some other moms and possibly make some friends in the area! Best of luck with that! :)

Cammy said...

1) You are not a downer, feeling lonely in a new city is normal, and you have no reason to apologize for having a hard time.

2)I feel you on the isolation, Lisa, I've been going through the same thing myself since moving. I think your plan to take Annie out is a great idea! Kids and pets are excellent ice-breakers. Are there any community classes/clubs you could go do in the evenings when your husband has the kids, or day-trips you and Annie can take?

Hang in there and don't get discouraged. It is easy to slid when your world is turned upside down with something like a move, but remember you are never obligated to follow a slip all the way to the bottom of the hill.