Monday, August 24, 2009

short update

I haven't been in much of a mood to write lately. Things are just kind of grinding along here. Emma is in school now, and Chris started school today. No, I did not get brave enough to corner anyone at church yesterday to make plans. Maybe next week. I DID sign up for the PTA and signed up to help with a spagetti dinner fundraiser in october- maybe I can meet people that way.

I have been having alot of disordered thoughts lately. It seems like I restrict for 2 or 3 days, then have some sort of realization or breakthrough and start eating again for about a week, then the ED thoughts get the better of me and I start restricting again and the whole cycle starts over. SO I'm not really losing any weight, just going up and down, which i know is kind of bad for the old metabolism. I'm fighting really hard to change my thinking and not let myself slip too far. It's just getting so hard to let myself eat. It's lik ei have to think of a REALLY good reason to nourish myself before I can, rather thatn just eating regularly because everyone has the right to eat. I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just that when I eat it feelis like I'm losing some sort of battle. But i don't even know what the battle is or who it is against.

Well that is about it. My mom is visiting and I don't want to be on the computer too long (trying not to be a rude host). I think maybe later we will go to to Reiman Gardens. It is this really cool garden with a neat butterfly exhibit with hundreds of butterflies.

Have a great day!

4 comments:

Eating Alone said...

I total get it. I'm locked in the same cycle. But I'm learning more and more how to stop it. And that thought that I don't feel like I'm worthy of feeding myself? Yep that's one of the big ones for me too. My thoughts are I just want to be a little smaller just shrink down till I don't bother anyone and it will be ok.

sarah said...

just wanting to write to say i get it ...
sometimes it helps to feel not so alone.

i have no idea what my battle is most days either - i just know that sometimes i have no fight in me and it is easier to just surrender.

i think as long as we are honest and keep picking ourselves back up we will be okay --- no spiraling downwards allowed!!!!!

take care of you

I Hate to Weight said...

sounds like you're taking some good steps to reach out to folks in your community-- i know it's not easy.

every day with my ED brings a new "surprise". for a day or so, i'll feel just fine with myself and eat easily and guilt-free. then, i'll wake up one morning and plot how to eat as little as possible for a couple of days. next, i'll decide that i'm restricting too much and don't want to start that again. and then i'll feel lost.

but then i re-group and keep on going.

blagh, it is so much work!

now.is.now said...

You are doing really well for having just picked up your family, moved, gotten Emma off to school, being home with Annie all day, being part of a new church group, helping Chris adjust, signing up for the PTA, driving a new car........ all of this and..... YOU'RE ALIVE! YOU'RE ALIVE AND SOMETIMES RESTRICTING - BUT YOU'RE REGROUPING AND YOU'RE CATCHING YOURSELF AND GO YOU!

Keep challenging those restrictive thoughts.

Keep putting yourself out there - way to go on the PTA. You'll corner a woman in church sometime soon!

Seriously - mega cheers for you. You just handled a lot! You are strong and you will keep getting stronger.