Well it was rainy and crappy today and after watching the girls sit in front of the tv for about 20 hours I finally said "enough!" and we decided to drive to Des Moines to the "cool mall". And it was a really nice mall; I was really impressed. The only place in Iowa that you can find a Bannana Republic. La de da. They did have a huge kiddie playland and the girls played there for a long time which was fun. But.......
I made the mistake of takning the girls to Build-a-Bear just to look, since we don't have one in Ames. Before long Emma was begging hardcore. She just HAD to have a friend for her buildabear that she has at home (that she never plays with and currently doesn't even know the lacation of). I have to admit, though, that Build-a-bear is sort of a magical place if you have kids, and I really was starting to want to buy her one. You know how they say "you can't buy happiness?" Well, at that moment I felt like i really could buy her happiness.
Then thr saleslady came and told me about the special- any bear+one outfit+shoes for $30. That seemed like a borderline-good deal to me. But then I realized that if I got one for Emma, I would have to buy one for Annie, and $30 suddenly turned into $60. And with all the bills we have looming I just couldn't justify spending $60 on stuffed animals. Nomatter how cute their little outfits are.
Emma was just crushed and moped around the mall the rest of the time, which sort of sucked the fun out of the rest of the day and made me feel really guilty. I felt like I was denying her a vital childhood experience or something. I guess it's a good thing Chris was there, or i might have caved. I just feel so sad that I don't have the money to but things like that for her.
I did explain to her that there were lots of things that Mommy wanted to but, too, but wasn't going too. I think it helped her to relate that she wasn't the only one who wanted something and didn't get it (dELIAS).
Grrr i hate money.
Ok and I had that therapy appointment today. It was ok I guess. Well, the first thing is, this lady is only 31! I'm trying to decide if this is a problem or not. On the one hand, I have this sort of belief that my therapist should have been practicing at least as long as I have been recieving therapy (18 yrs) in order to have the insight to help me. BUt maybe I am wrong. I don't know. But here is one thing: I think that I also seek out older therapists so I can find someone to have a "parent-child" relationship with, and I'm not sure why I do this but I suspect it is not healthy. one of my goals is to feel more like an adult, with assurance and power and all that stuff, so I guess I don't need someone with whom I will revert back to a childlike dependence.
One big bonus- she didn't go to the University of Iowa (home of the hospital that has the ED program that I have been committed to 5 times and refer to as "evil hell" in this blog). I have a huge prejudice against those folks in Iowa City, who think they know everything about everything. Hope I didn't just offend anyone. Oh well.
We didn't get through my whole "timeline" today; I saved the worst for tommorrow. Lets just say it's something so bad I don't even talk about it on this blog because I'm afraid of what everyone would think. But I'm allowed to have secrets. Everyone is. Anyway, I'm saving that for next time. but I told her a little bit about it today and she doesn't hate me.
Ed wise i am doing ok. I'm throwing up alot but somehow maintainong my weight so I guess you could say I am doing good In some areas and not so good in others. I really really want to restrict and lose weight but since that laast time that I wrote about I haven't. But I have that secret fear that says " your therapist wont take you seriously or think you are really sick cause you look so normal! You must lose lose lose!". But i'm trying to refute this with the facts and so far am doing ok.
Well thats about it for now.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago