Ok, so i was lying in bed last night thinking (I know, happens alot) and i just started to think about my life and what I really want out of life and what my goals are. So first goal: I want to be alive (duh!). Second goal: I want to be happy.
I used to think that being thin would make me happy. That the pursuit of thinness would add meaning to my life. I am just now facing the reality that I have spent the last 12 years of my life "thin" or in the pursuit of thinness and there has been little joy in it. What there has been is alot of pain, shame, missed opportunities, regrets, letting my loved ones down, ect. I have kept banging my head against the same old wall expecting different results and it has brought me nothing. i live in a constant sruggle of body, mind and spirit that exhausts me, and I find no fullfillment in it.
Could it be I am ready to really, finally give it up?
In order to give up this eating disorder, this WAY OF LIFE, I will have to be brave. I will have to be honest. If I hurt, I may have to cry. If I am lonely, I may have to search out a friend. If I am scared, or unsure, or having doubts, I will find a solution, a way to feel safe that does not include self-destructing until someone comes to rescue me. In other words, I will have to stand on my own two feet. I will have to take responsibilty for what I have made of my life, and do my best to make it better.
In many ways, it feels like I am just starting my life, or at least my adulthood. I've had the role of "sick" for so long that many things have been done for me and I have been able to avoid or get out of alot of responsibilities which should have been mine. What will it mean to me to be healthy? Will I lose my social security payments? That is something I have been terrified of. Can you believe I've been on disability since 2000? But I can't let it be a roadblock to being well anymore.
Of course, i am not expecting to make all these changes overnight. After all, this is a 16 year illness we are talking about. I can't just change into a well- adjusted, fully funcioning adult with a snap of the fingers. This is comforting, though. I know there will be people that are here to support me. I will still have a doctor and a therapist. The difference is, if I'm struggling emotionally, I'm not going to relapse and get sick enough until they know there is something wrong. I am going to USE MY VOICE and tell them what is bothering me, instead of playing some passive-agressive game. This might be hard for me, but hopefully in time it will be easier.
I do not live in a fantasy land where i think all my problems will go away just because I have decided they should. I still have a chemical imbalance which causes me to become deppressed and anxious. But starving, bingeing, and purging has made it much worse than it probably would be. My little dream is that if I eat healthfully, stop throwing up, and enjoy moderate excercise, i will be able to help myself feel better emotionally. Maybe then I could get off a few of the meds. And the ones that I would take would be more effective (especially if I wasn't throwing them up all the time).
This is my goal: to be healthy. ALIVE! THRIVING! I want my kids to be proud of me! Heck, I want to be proud of me!
To be honest, I'm so scared right now. What if I fail? It's easier not to try; to stay sick. Then I would never know if I could "hack it" or not.
But I have to try. For myself, for my family, my girlies, the dream of maybe a baby in the future. Oops did I say that out loud?
Here I go, into the unknown....
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago