Things are going ok. i did binge/purge yesterday, first thing in the morning, which was kind of discouraging, but I picked myself right back up and did very well the rest of the day. No restricting or purging. I am particularly proud of my dinner last night. I was feeling kind of sick, partly because of a vey emotional therapy session, and partly because i don't know why. Anyway, ed was tring to negotiate dinner with me. You know, you-dont-feel-well-so-why-not-skip-dinner type of thing. But I ate a reasonable dinner anyway. After dinner was the worst! i just felt sicker and sicker and ED was saying you-could-just-throw-up-since-you-are-sick-anyway and I wanted to throw up so bad! But I didn't and i went to bed at 8:00 and slept all night. i still feel kind of sick so maybe I am coming down with something. Swine flu? i don't know. i am not going to restict today, but maybe will just stick to simple and bland foods so i don't get sicker and tempted to throw up.
i'm feeling better about my therapist. Turns out she DOES know her stuff! Yesterday she suggested to me that maybe the reason that I feel so anxious all the time is because I have other feelings but I am afraid to feel them and get anxiious about it. I wasn't sure about that, but when i got home and thught about it I realized she was right. I'm afraid of my emotions. Afraid I cant handle them. That is why every time I feel sadness, hurt, anger,ect, I shut down and instead just feel a general feeling of uneasiness. i think that is also how I got addicted to Xanax. You are just supposed to use Xanax when you are expeeriencing extreme anxiety, but i popped one whenever I had any emotion, like if I was angry at chris-take a xanax. Dissapointed by some situation-take a xanax. You get the picture. I never want to feel anything. i do it with my ED too. Instead of taking a xanax, I turn to focusing on restricting and losing weight, or bingeing and purging, instead of feeling my true feelings.
This is a huge realization for me and I cant wait to tell my T. I hope she has some excercises or something to ge tme in touch with my emotions. But I am kind of scared,too. I mean, I have a really good attitude about my ED recovery right now. What is I get into working with my emotions and it just gets too intense and I go running back to ED? I don't want that to happen.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago