Thursday, August 27, 2009


Things are going ok. i did binge/purge yesterday, first thing in the morning, which was kind of discouraging, but I picked myself right back up and did very well the rest of the day. No restricting or purging. I am particularly proud of my dinner last night. I was feeling kind of sick, partly because of a vey emotional therapy session, and partly because i don't know why. Anyway, ed was tring to negotiate dinner with me. You know, you-dont-feel-well-so-why-not-skip-dinner type of thing. But I ate a reasonable dinner anyway. After dinner was the worst! i just felt sicker and sicker and ED was saying you-could-just-throw-up-since-you-are-sick-anyway and I wanted to throw up so bad! But I didn't and i went to bed at 8:00 and slept all night. i still feel kind of sick so maybe I am coming down with something. Swine flu? i don't know. i am not going to restict today, but maybe will just stick to simple and bland foods so i don't get sicker and tempted to throw up.

i'm feeling better about my therapist. Turns out she DOES know her stuff! Yesterday she suggested to me that maybe the reason that I feel so anxious all the time is because I have other feelings but I am afraid to feel them and get anxiious about it. I wasn't sure about that, but when i got home and thught about it I realized she was right. I'm afraid of my emotions. Afraid I cant handle them. That is why every time I feel sadness, hurt, anger,ect, I shut down and instead just feel a general feeling of uneasiness. i think that is also how I got addicted to Xanax. You are just supposed to use Xanax when you are expeeriencing extreme anxiety, but i popped one whenever I had any emotion, like if I was angry at chris-take a xanax. Dissapointed by some situation-take a xanax. You get the picture. I never want to feel anything. i do it with my ED too. Instead of taking a xanax, I turn to focusing on restricting and losing weight, or bingeing and purging, instead of feeling my true feelings.

This is a huge realization for me and I cant wait to tell my T. I hope she has some excercises or something to ge tme in touch with my emotions. But I am kind of scared,too. I mean, I have a really good attitude about my ED recovery right now. What is I get into working with my emotions and it just gets too intense and I go running back to ED? I don't want that to happen.


Eating Alone said...

Yep, it's nice to know that some of them know something isn't it? Yay for dinner and not purging it. I know what you mean about the emotions. I ate so I would not have to think or feel them. Now that I'm allowing some of them in it make's me feel totaly out of control. Totaly sucks, but I want to feel something. After 15+ years it might be time.

Keep doing well today. I hope your not sick! If you are don't cough on the keyboard and spread it to us! :-)

Anonymous said...

i hear you on being afraid of your emotions - that is really something i am working on. my T has had me set-up safety nets so that i know i will not be buried by emotions ... i know the people i can call, and they know that they are on my call list if i feel overwhelmed. she has also given me exercises to relax myself.
most important thing is that i have them all written down (even in numerical order of what to try) so that when i am in the moment and cannot remember what to do it is spelled out right in front of me.

let me know what you come up with with your T - i am always looking for ways to handle emotion well. and ... SO GLAD you like your new T ... that is SO important! said...

I'm so happy that you're not taking an all-or-nothing approach to recovery. You binged/purged, got back up, and kept going! That is the difference between someone who is making progress and someone who's not (who can get back up and keep going and who lets it spiral? - does that make sense)

It's a great realization you had! I'm sure you're not alone in being afraid of your emotions. Haha - sometimes I think I'm afraid of "hungry." I guess hungry isn't an emotion but it happens a lot where I feel that general "uneasiness" and then I'm like "what's wrong?!" And I realize I'm hungry.

I'm so glad your therapist knows her stuff!

I'd say keep the pressur off yourself. You wrote at the end of the post "What if I run back to ED?" WEll, if you do, you do... and then you'll turn around and go the other way. Try not to worry so much about what might happen. Just think about the current day.

lisalisa said...

Thanks for your comments, everyone!
I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

Ugh, I still feel so sick. Unfortunately I didn't remember to eat bland food for lunch. Spinach salad with dried cranberries, pumpkin seeds, and vinegrette. I think I ate this because I was feeling ok before lunch, but after I ate I started feeling sooo yucky. I don't know what the deal is! I'm SHURE I'm not preggers, of that's what you are thinking. It's just that every time I have eaten for the last 2 days I have felt sick. I wonder what the deal is.

Kara said...

Congratulations on changing your day into a good one after the B/P episode in the morning! That's hard stuff.

I totally relate to the paragraph about feeling like you can't handle feelings. I get so overwhelmed with my feelings. I feel like they are going to last forever so I just shut down and shut them out (or B/P, restrict, etc.)

Way to go for your realization!!!!

Zena said...

okay first of all I hope you dont have the swine flu...that would majorly suck!!! but I LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE!!! I just wrote on a post on leaving ED and its good to know I am not alone...well fight this together...hand and hand!!

Love you, Tara