Monday, August 31, 2009

sick day

not much has been going on and I have been kind of blah and not feeling like posting. Well, I have been doing better ED wise. Like, i didn't purge all day yesterday EVEN with making chocolate chip cookies with the girls and sampling lots of dough! And I have been eating regular meals and everything, and not really weighing myself. Much.

I think I know what threw me off. I rented the documentary "Thin" from the library and I should not have done that. I think it is a really great documentary about eating disorders, and I could really realate to it. I LOOOVE watching stuff I can relate to. It helps me feel connected to something, like i'm not so alone. But now I see that it really triggered me. Just putting the thoughts back in my head about wanting to be sick and helpless so people will take care of me. EWWW, I am so ashamed of having those thoughts and feelings. But I have to acknoeledge them because they are there. It's weird. I complain about not feeling "powerful" in my life or feeling like a competent adult, yet I keep making choices that cause me to stay weak and pathetic.

Wow, and I thought I had nothing to write about today.

Well, I have been working to further my identity as a responsible, functional adult. I signed up to volunteer at Emma's class Haloween party. i also volunteered to be "room parent" for her class. I was pretty anxious about this. I kept thinking "what if I get depressed and cant follow through." But I don't want to live my life like that anymore. I don't want to not accept responsibilities and opportunities just because I might not be able to handle them. I'm just going to go for it and trust myself that I can do it.

In other news, I am quite sick and on some serious cold meds and feeling like crap in general. i'm just hoping none of my kids get sick, but Annie keeps taking sips of my pop when I'm not looking. Ugh.

10 comments:

Eating Alone said...

I'm so happy your volunteering. That's a huge step. And your kids will love it too.

Don't worry about the cold it will go away. Just stay safe and rest.

sarah said...

i completely get the wanting to feel connected yet then being triggered by it ... it is such a strange thing. i am glad you are back on some solid footing now, but sorry you are sick. i have been fighting a crazy cold too. not fun.
i also relate that wanting to feel sick and weak so people will take care of you - for me, it is like i am somehow forgotten about or not noticed if people are not worrying about me - so therefore, i cannot be okay. keeps me running back to ED all the time and then getting mad at myself for needing that sort of external validation. hope that makes some sense ...

and as for the volunteering ... good for you!!!!! i think that is great. one of the big motivators for me in recovery that continues to help pick me back up is my commitments --- i have to be healthy to do that ... i want to do that ... it is expected of me ... and i do not want to disappoint. it helps to feel needed and useful.

hope you feel better soon!!!

now.is.now said...

You are so amazing! Seriously! You are on the right path and you are an example to me and many others.

Keely said...

I can relate to you in so many ways. I always complain that I don't know where my life is going, I'm lonely, etc but nothing will change if I don't take the necessary steps to MAKE it change. Your new volunteer work sounds AWESOME!! I'm sure emma is excited too. I was always so happy when my mom/dad came to chaperone us on field trips. (They didn't volunteer per se... I just volunteered for them...aka "My dad can come!") It really sounds like fun. Maybe you can bake some cool halloween treats for the class with Emma and Annie.

I miss you! (hug)

Tell that sneaky sipper that she needs to get her own pop...but then again, who wants her to have that much caffiene... :)

Tasty Health Food said...

I think it's really great that you were able to make cookies with the girls and volunteer at their school. It only shows that ED can be fought and that you're doing an awesome job of it. Keep up the progress!

Zena said...

Despite your ups and downs i am very VERY proud of you, the difference I see in you over these last few months is really quite astounding...i know what you mean by volunteering...I always did teh helping mom thing for zack and alyssas preschool classes..It made me feel GREAT!!! and on teh few occations where i was totally into Ed when I was there I was miserable...couldnt think straight, felt ill...you know teh drill, so it gives you great incentive to stay well, ewven if its only for that day...and as we know one day can turn into 2 and so on. I cant wait til the kiddies start school in 9 days....so I can sign up for all the class parties.... i am not ready for teh room mother thing yet...but Ill get there..and i am sure you will do a GREAT job, as you do with everything...I hope you feel better soon, colds blow...think i am getting one myself....Im sneezing and ummm coughing...I hope it passes quietly...and Im gonna ask you again...what grade is emma in???

Love you lots

Z

I Hate to Weight said...

i respect your honesty! i do like to be sick and to be taken care of. when i was first off drugs and doing well, i'd often relapse and know it's because i wanted TLC -- not a responsible job and worries.

you ARE doing so many brave things. it's not easy, BUT IT IS BRAVE.

get well soon. i hate colds.

lisalisa said...

he he sorry Z I forgot- Emma is in 2nd grade. She asked me today how many months it would be until she goes to college!

now.is.now said...

The fact that emma asked you that shows that you are doing a great job! Did you figure out how many months it would be? You can tel her she's the Class of 2024 (for a 4 year college attended immediately after high school)

Everything Z said about the difference in your posts over the last few months... I completely agree with. It's more than you being really honest. It's you being realistic, and having persepctive, and seeing things in grey as opposed to black and white, and being able to step outside of yourself and evaluate. You give me a peaceful, hopeful feeling - and something to strive for.

Cammy said...

I know what you mean. I find that documentary comforting/inspiring in some ways, but it can also be easy to slip into unhealthy thoughts when watching it. Have you read the companion book? I don't necessarily want to recommend it for everyone, people trigger differently, but I found it much more recovery-motivating than the movie. It covers a much wider range of people, and I think it brought home to me the fact that this issue really is a disease that will ruin you if not treated.

On a positive note, SO happy you are doing well with behaviors, keep hanging in there, I think you are stronger than you realize, and you definitely should be proud!