Friday, August 14, 2009

the truth is...

The truth is that I have been avoiding writing about Ed related stuff for a little bit because I have been going down the wrong path and basically was too ashamed to admit it, and a little bit afraid of what you all might say. I have been feeling a little bit like a traitor to the cause. Well, here goes....

I had decided to lose all the weight that I had gained this summer. You know, the good-healthy-I can eat normal food now with my family and have energy to do fun stuff-weight. I decided that I was just too fat to handle the "extra" weight anymore and desperatly wanted to lose all the weight and then some. So last week I bought a scale. I went to the library and got my number one ED book that always triggers me to lose weight (i know i know, ugh!). I began severely restricting my calories. I wasn't purging, just not eating. I made a conscious decision to adopt my anorexic behaviors again.

This lasted for several days. Durring this time I felt weak, dizzy, crappy, and spaced out. I was crabby with my family and short of patience. I thought about food all the time. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. It was amazing how fast I got back to that place mentally where only the diet matters.

I began to have arrythmias, but I ignored them. Doubts crept in, but I shrugged them off. Thin was what i wanted, and thin I would be.

Then last night something changed. I was lying in bed (feeling crappy) and I really began to think about the last several days and I asked myself : Have I been happy? I had to admit that the answer was No. And isnt' that the whole point? To live your life in a way that makes you happy? In a way that connects you to the poeple that you love, and allows you to act in line with your values? And I wasn't doing that.

But, the anorexia voice said, when you get really thin you will be happy and nothing else will matter.
But, I thought, it might be a long time befor I "feel thin" enough to be happy about it. It could be months. Do I really want to live like this for months? i thought about this for awhile. i imagined what my life would be like if I were constantly starving and couldn't enjoy my children and sometimes didn't even have the energy to care for them and couldn't cope with anything because of constant low blood sugar and had brain fuzz and nothing left to put into my marriage ect ect. And then there is the whole "I could kill myself on accident doing this" thing. I cant even describe what a tragedy that would be in the life of my husband and children. I have no right to do that to them. I thought about the quote that Z put on her blog one time, from a child whose mother died of an ED. "I wish she loved me more than she hated herself". I thought about that long and hard. I pictured my childrens sweet faces. And I knew. I knew I loved them more. That clinched it.

I decided to stop. To just stop it all, to eat again. To accept that I dont like my body and just try to get over it. To realize that it would be a trade-off. I may not have the body I want, but I have life, family, happiness, energy, ect. I will inevitably have moments of despair when I look in the mirror. Yes, there may be weeping and knashing of teeth as I try on shirt after shirt and realize that nothing I put on is going to make me look the way i did ten years ago. But I will just have to live through it and move on.

You're weak! the ED voice said. You're weak and you are giving up!

No, I said. I am brave. I am choosing a path that may be emotionally painful. I am choosing to live imperfectly in an imperfect world. I AM BRAVE.

Today I nourished my body. It felt like finally breathing after holding my breath for a really long time.

5 comments:

Eating Alone said...

Ok, first glad you found a T, or at least that your trying one on, second Good job for pulling out of the spiral.

Now for the bad, you avoid writting why? Cause you thought we wouldn't understand? Ummm hello I know your reading some of the blogs. Maybe it was more you didn't want us asking you to get help, to think about your kids, to say we care about you and please think about what your doing.

Sorry, I'm commited to being honest in my blog and how I comment. If I'm having problems I expect you guy's to help me through it. My own little support community. I know, now, that I can't do it alone. I tried and it just doesn't work. ED love's it when your alone. DON'T BE ALONE! Remeber that quote. And think would you starve your kids so they could be skinny? I doubt it.

And I'm really glad your eating. I know the body image thing stinks, and don't have any advice there. If you find something that works let me know.

now.is.now said...

Yeah we have parallel lives right now. That's all I really have to say.

I'm trying to put my energy towards staying motivated - not towards eating. Because when I put my energy towards eating, I know deep down I won't eat if I'm not motivated to. So, I'm trying to remember throughout today why it matters that I treat myself well and eat enough. It sounds like you're doing the same thing. DO NOT KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WILL "LOSE" (less healthy but alluring body). KEEP YOUR FOCUS ON WHAT YOU GAIN (energy, connections, happiness, your children, your husband, etc.)

Cammy said...

I am very sorry that you have been having a rough period, but sometimes slips can serve as reminders of what we really have to lose (no pun intended). Just a short trip back to that lifestyle and you feel terrible, act differently...the world is truly a different place when viewed from within the disorder. The fantastic thing is that you have gained enough perspective to *recognize* when that is happening and do something about it, instead of being complacent and allowing that terrible, shitty, depleted feeling to become your new baseline. You should be incredibly proud of being able to see this path isn't worth it and reclaim your authority over your own life!!!

I know that recovery isn't always the easiest path in the short run, but in the long run it is truly a gift to yourself, your family, and your future. Hang in there and keep on fighting, you deserve the best.

Zena said...

SO you were hiding huh?? Like did you think we would notice...we love you to much not to umm care...:)

So you were dateing ED for a few days ...and what did you learn...that you guys broke up for a reason right..he is a bastard prick and once you are no longer are in obivilion as to how well you can function with out him... he doesnt serve his purpose any more...SO you learned your lesson right??

I wont scold you..I will just tell you the honest truth...once you have lived with ED you cant go back...you just cant, you will let down everyone you know..especially your kids and hubby...is that what you want to do or become a person who lets down the ones she loves...I think not...I knwo you better then that...so I will just say in the most loving way I know how (((LISA))) get your ASS BACK ON TRACK...like pronto...make a choice..be willing and like nike says just do it!!!

Ill be here for you to cry and throw fits and be pissed off...i will be here while you miss your old identity...and i will be here with you while you share your joys in finding your new one...we will do it together...it will be fun..I swears...hard but fun...and I am sure well worh the journey!!! you know im right...:) and that s why you love me...so what was for breakfast my friend??

AND GOOD JOB ON FINDING A T!!! I hope you guys mesh and if not just open the phone book and keep searching...i think the biggest part of recovery is NOT GIVING UP!!!!

love you lots,

Tara

now.is.now said...

"just take it one meal, one bite, at a time. I know its hard. But you have done this before. you have it in you to do it again."

that was your advice to me. I think I should share it with you b/c it's great advice :)