The truth is that I have been avoiding writing about Ed related stuff for a little bit because I have been going down the wrong path and basically was too ashamed to admit it, and a little bit afraid of what you all might say. I have been feeling a little bit like a traitor to the cause. Well, here goes....
I had decided to lose all the weight that I had gained this summer. You know, the good-healthy-I can eat normal food now with my family and have energy to do fun stuff-weight. I decided that I was just too fat to handle the "extra" weight anymore and desperatly wanted to lose all the weight and then some. So last week I bought a scale. I went to the library and got my number one ED book that always triggers me to lose weight (i know i know, ugh!). I began severely restricting my calories. I wasn't purging, just not eating. I made a conscious decision to adopt my anorexic behaviors again.
This lasted for several days. Durring this time I felt weak, dizzy, crappy, and spaced out. I was crabby with my family and short of patience. I thought about food all the time. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. It was amazing how fast I got back to that place mentally where only the diet matters.
I began to have arrythmias, but I ignored them. Doubts crept in, but I shrugged them off. Thin was what i wanted, and thin I would be.
Then last night something changed. I was lying in bed (feeling crappy) and I really began to think about the last several days and I asked myself : Have I been happy? I had to admit that the answer was No. And isnt' that the whole point? To live your life in a way that makes you happy? In a way that connects you to the poeple that you love, and allows you to act in line with your values? And I wasn't doing that.
But, the anorexia voice said, when you get really thin you will be happy and nothing else will matter.
But, I thought, it might be a long time befor I "feel thin" enough to be happy about it. It could be months. Do I really want to live like this for months? i thought about this for awhile. i imagined what my life would be like if I were constantly starving and couldn't enjoy my children and sometimes didn't even have the energy to care for them and couldn't cope with anything because of constant low blood sugar and had brain fuzz and nothing left to put into my marriage ect ect. And then there is the whole "I could kill myself on accident doing this" thing. I cant even describe what a tragedy that would be in the life of my husband and children. I have no right to do that to them. I thought about the quote that Z put on her blog one time, from a child whose mother died of an ED. "I wish she loved me more than she hated herself". I thought about that long and hard. I pictured my childrens sweet faces. And I knew. I knew I loved them more. That clinched it.
I decided to stop. To just stop it all, to eat again. To accept that I dont like my body and just try to get over it. To realize that it would be a trade-off. I may not have the body I want, but I have life, family, happiness, energy, ect. I will inevitably have moments of despair when I look in the mirror. Yes, there may be weeping and knashing of teeth as I try on shirt after shirt and realize that nothing I put on is going to make me look the way i did ten years ago. But I will just have to live through it and move on.
You're weak! the ED voice said. You're weak and you are giving up!
No, I said. I am brave. I am choosing a path that may be emotionally painful. I am choosing to live imperfectly in an imperfect world. I AM BRAVE.
Today I nourished my body. It felt like finally breathing after holding my breath for a really long time.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago