Tuesday, August 4, 2009

hey y'all

just wanted to say that I have emerged on the other side of the big move with half a brain still rolling around in my noggin (i think). It has been somewhat trying and traumatic but Ames is lovely and our apartment is starting to feel like home.

Oh, when we were visiting Emma's new school yesterday my car broke down so I sold it on the spot to a salvage yard and we took a cab home. The good news is I am $75 richer! Too bad I had just filled up the tank with gas. Oh well....

And the big, great, wonderful news! Anne has not had an allergic reaction to the cat dander in the new apartment! So I am cautiously optimistic when I say that we will hopefully not have to move again. I was sooo worried about that.

We are going to Adventureland Park tomorrow! I am so excited about this (as excited as I get, given all the meds I am on). We haven't told the girls so it will be a suprise :).

Things on the ED front are, well, hmm, I don't really know how to describe it. Indulgence. I am indulging in restricting, which is really the opposite of indulging. But after only 2 days it feels compulsary. The old mindset is taking hold. You know, food is the enemy. That old song and dance. I am not enjoying this relapse, though. I forgot how crappy it feels to be starving. How cranky and impatient I am with everyone around me. How disconnected I feel from my family. The fatigue. It sucks.

Well, on that cheery note I will end because I am so tired. Tomorrow I will start to try to catch up on blog reading. Happy Tuesday everyone!

5 comments:

now.is.now said...

LISA!!!! I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU BACK!!!!!

The girls will be so excited to hear that they are going to Adventureland Park! I hope it's lots of fun!

Glad the apartment is starting to feel like home. It's so nice to feel settled. And woo hoo for Annie not having an allergic reaction!

I also just with through a restrictive week. So true, it takes only a couple of days for the mindset to really take hold. I'm glad you're recognizing that you're feeling separate from your family and fatigued and impatient as a result of this though. Lisa, listen to me, you are at a fork in the road. A decision point. You have 3 options:

1. You can keep "indulging" in restricting and end up back at the very square 1, right back at wherever you were years ago when you first got help. And then you have to go through this whole process again.

2. You can keep "indulging" in restricting and eventually, at some point end up bingeing and then purging and then living a life consumed by B and P (I can't imagine that gives you anything but messy out of control feelings)

3. You can separate yourself from the mindset. You can say, "Hmm.. there is this obsessive thought saying don't you dare eat or even get near food. That little obsessive thought is an OCD, ED thought caused by some weirdo misfiring neuron in my brain. What a weird little obsession to have. Ha! How silly is that obsessive thought that's in my brain. I mean, who would think that food is the enemy? That's what the obsessive thought says. Anyway, clearly the obsessive thought is a moron and I'm just gonna let it hang out there while I focus my energy on doing something else. So, obsessive though, go ahead, chill out in the back corner of my brain. Go ahead, keep on talking. Do whatever you want. Chill out. But, in the meantime, I'm going to go eat a normal lunch now." Know that you, Lisa, don't actually FEEL like you can't eat. It's just that there is the presence of an obsessive thought saying that. So, label it what it is: an obsessive thought due to some weirdo misfiring neuron or something. Then focus your attention on something positive - like, say, a sandwich :) or Adventurland Park.

Can you tell I just was re-reading the book BRAIN LOCK? :) It's a book for OCD but it works well for eating disorders too. J gave it to me.

I was feeling really stuck last week too. What I describe above is what I had to do to get myself to eat enough one day. Life isn't fun with restriction. It sucks. So separate! Don't engage! Annie, Emma, Chris, and you need the whole you! Pretty soon it'll be unbearable. Don't let it get there.

PTC said...

Welcome to your new home. I hope you have a blast today.

I'm sure all of the stress played a part in your eating. You'll get back on track.

Lisa said...

Glad to see you're back. And it's good that you're not only recognizing your restricting, but also how much it blows. I hope you can get over this current hump.

Zena said...

I have only a minute and will be back later for propper response but i just want to throw my love out to you and be your cheerleader!!!

GO LISA GO!!!

YOu can do this desoite all the stress...anorexia is no way to live...I just wanted to point that out although I know you already know...fight girlie fight...FIGHT THE OBESSIONS, fight through the BULLSHIT...I know you have it on you!!!

Love you so much

Love, Tara

meghan said...

Im glad you guys made the move and are safe. Im also excited that Annie has not had a reaction. I know how frustrating that can be. Hope you guys had fun at adventure land.