a cautionary tale

If you want to skip reading this one I will sum it up for you: Lisa + vodka= four point restraints. But if you want the gory, humiliating, and (let's be honest) kind of funny details of a twelve hour period of my life which occured back in the summer of 2000, read on. But be warned, this was the Old Lisa. You know, the crazy one.


I found myself one Sunday afternoon on the inpatient psych ward at St. Lukes hospital, facing a commitment hearing the following morning, which I was sure to lose. About a week prior to this I arrived to the hospital by ambulance from my sister's house, where I passed out (sort of, I was concious but could not get off the floor and my heart was doing crazy things). Several days of IV fluids had me feeling better, but now the plan was to send me to the eating disorders treatment center at UIHC (evil hell) against my will. I didn't have much hope of getting out of it because I had lost committment hearings in the past, when I was in much better shape.
Alone, depressed, powerless, future uncertain. What's a girl to do? Getting wasted seemed like a fabulous idea.

I started calling everyone I knew who might bring me alcohol. Oddly enough, I kept getting shot down. It seemed nobody wanted get wasted with me on the psych ward on a Sunday night? Just when visiting hours were about over and I had all but given up I got ahold of my friend Liz, who was happy to hear from me and delighted to smuggle in some contraband.

Liz showed up within 20 minutes and we both went straight to my room and closed the door. I was on a mission :get wasted, eff it, who cares. I drank till my head spun, then hid the rest of the vodka in my hospital issued mouthwash bottle (after pouring the mouthwash out under the bed, since my bathroom was locked). Then visiting hours were over and Liz had to go, and I weaved my way down to the dayroom.

From here on out it's kind of a blur. there are some things I remember very clearly, and some things that I did I do not remember at all, but were told to me by other patients the next day. Apparently I got up on the pool table and started giving a speech about freedom to the other patients. I remember the speech, vaguely, but I do not remember the pool table. I remember hearing my name on the loudspeaker, asking me to report to the nurses station immediately. I remember to long walk down the hall to the nurses station, the way the walls were swaying as I tried to make it there without falling down. I don't remember if I was successful or not.

The next memory, I am in my room, and one staff is searching the room and another one is sort of frisking me and shaking me at the same time and saying "what did you take? What did she give you?".
Me (slurring): "kiss my ass!"
Me again:"But first you'd have to shave it! Haha!"
Yes, in my drunken stupidity I had insulted myself. Classy. But if you need any more evidence as to why I shouldn't drink, read on.
They left and I was alone sitting on my bed, with a staff person sitting in a chair outside my room keeping an eye on me. I remember falling out of my bed and landing on my head, but it didn't hurt, just sort of felt like I was floating down. Staff helps me back into my bed. I don't remember much after that.

Here's where the other patients fill in the blanks. They weren't supposed to go down the hall where my room was because of the "crisis", but several of them kept finding excuses to walk by and get a glimpse of the drama. Apparently at some point I crawled out of my room and partway down the hall. When staff asked my where I thought I was going I replied "I'm going to f-ing Pizza Hut". Also I threw up all over my room and the nurse was overheard saying "well, at least we know she ate dinner!".

But I guess things got a little crazy when the lab showed up to draw my blood. I totally flipped out, which is why I woke up the next morning in the seclusion room in restraints.

I drank so much that when I woke up monday morning I was still a little drunk. So I was not alarmed to find myself strapped down in the seclusion room. Maybe I was a little amused? You have to remember, at this point in my life I was quite dysfunctional and didn't care about much. Anyways, as I lay there surveying my situation, it dawned on me that I was wearing scrubs. I realized that at some point while I was unconscious (or semi-conscious) someone had stripped me and changed my clothes. Things seemed less funny after that.

After being checked on several times, a nurse came in and unstrapped me. She brought me out of the seclusion room and over to a chair in front of the nurses station and said "SIT". So I sat there. I'm not sure how much time passed, but eventually my doctor came on the unit, walked right over to me, and said "I can't believe I had to get a phone call at 10:30 last night for an order to put you in restraints! There is no longer any doubt in my mind that you need to be committed, only now I am rethinking my recommendation on where they send you after discharge!" Then he huffed away.

Next my court-appointed lawyer shows up. "Lisa, it doesn't look good."

"I know." I say.

When it is time, the nurse takes me from my chair to the room where the committment hearing takes place. I sit silently through the whole thing and don't say much. There's no point.

After the hearing, the nurse asks me if I want to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up. I shuffle into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and find that my hair is wild and crazy and I have dried puke on my face.

I just sat through my hearing with dried puke on my face.



I will end this story here. It just goes on and on and gets more painful and embarrassing. For years. Until eventually, remarkably, against all odds and predictions, I start to come out of it. I think maybe getting pregnant with Emma was what jumpstarted it. I started eating, quit drinking, started going to church. I did these things, not because I was sure that "health" was what I wanted, but because of my deep "mother's love" for my daughter. I had to take care of myself, to take care of her. A few more years would pass, bringing marriage and another baby along the way, before I really began to see that life without the eating disorder was possible, and worth fighting for.
I guess I'm still fighting. I have my ups and downs, but when I think back to where I used to be I realize how far I've come. It's like looking at a completely different person. When I look back I see a sad, desperate girl, acting out because she is afraid to face her feelings, desperately wanting help but unwilling to accept it, spinning her wheels in the mud that is the life that she created for herself.

I'm so glad I'm not her anymore.

this is me, being brave

Ok, so i was lying in bed last night thinking (I know, happens alot) and i just started to think about my life and what I really want out of life and what my goals are. So first goal: I want to be alive (duh!). Second goal: I want to be happy.

I used to think that being thin would make me happy. That the pursuit of thinness would add meaning to my life. I am just now facing the reality that I have spent the last 12 years of my life "thin" or in the pursuit of thinness and there has been little joy in it. What there has been is alot of pain, shame, missed opportunities, regrets, letting my loved ones down, ect. I have kept banging my head against the same old wall expecting different results and it has brought me nothing. i live in a constant sruggle of body, mind and spirit that exhausts me, and I find no fullfillment in it.

Could it be I am ready to really, finally give it up?

In order to give up this eating disorder, this WAY OF LIFE, I will have to be brave. I will have to be honest. If I hurt, I may have to cry. If I am lonely, I may have to search out a friend. If I am scared, or unsure, or having doubts, I will find a solution, a way to feel safe that does not include self-destructing until someone comes to rescue me. In other words, I will have to stand on my own two feet. I will have to take responsibilty for what I have made of my life, and do my best to make it better.

In many ways, it feels like I am just starting my life, or at least my adulthood. I've had the role of "sick" for so long that many things have been done for me and I have been able to avoid or get out of alot of responsibilities which should have been mine. What will it mean to me to be healthy? Will I lose my social security payments? That is something I have been terrified of. Can you believe I've been on disability since 2000? But I can't let it be a roadblock to being well anymore.

Of course, i am not expecting to make all these changes overnight. After all, this is a 16 year illness we are talking about. I can't just change into a well- adjusted, fully funcioning adult with a snap of the fingers. This is comforting, though. I know there will be people that are here to support me. I will still have a doctor and a therapist. The difference is, if I'm struggling emotionally, I'm not going to relapse and get sick enough until they know there is something wrong. I am going to USE MY VOICE and tell them what is bothering me, instead of playing some passive-agressive game. This might be hard for me, but hopefully in time it will be easier.

I do not live in a fantasy land where i think all my problems will go away just because I have decided they should. I still have a chemical imbalance which causes me to become deppressed and anxious. But starving, bingeing, and purging has made it much worse than it probably would be. My little dream is that if I eat healthfully, stop throwing up, and enjoy moderate excercise, i will be able to help myself feel better emotionally. Maybe then I could get off a few of the meds. And the ones that I would take would be more effective (especially if I wasn't throwing them up all the time).

This is my goal: to be healthy. ALIVE! THRIVING! I want my kids to be proud of me! Heck, I want to be proud of me!
To be honest, I'm so scared right now. What if I fail? It's easier not to try; to stay sick. Then I would never know if I could "hack it" or not.
But I have to try. For myself, for my family, my girlies, the dream of maybe a baby in the future. Oops did I say that out loud?
Here I go, into the unknown....

Build-a-Bear guilt

Well it was rainy and crappy today and after watching the girls sit in front of the tv for about 20 hours I finally said "enough!" and we decided to drive to Des Moines to the "cool mall". And it was a really nice mall; I was really impressed. The only place in Iowa that you can find a Bannana Republic. La de da. They did have a huge kiddie playland and the girls played there for a long time which was fun. But.......

I made the mistake of takning the girls to Build-a-Bear just to look, since we don't have one in Ames. Before long Emma was begging hardcore. She just HAD to have a friend for her buildabear that she has at home (that she never plays with and currently doesn't even know the lacation of). I have to admit, though, that Build-a-bear is sort of a magical place if you have kids, and I really was starting to want to buy her one. You know how they say "you can't buy happiness?" Well, at that moment I felt like i really could buy her happiness.

Then thr saleslady came and told me about the special- any bear+one outfit+shoes for $30. That seemed like a borderline-good deal to me. But then I realized that if I got one for Emma, I would have to buy one for Annie, and $30 suddenly turned into $60. And with all the bills we have looming I just couldn't justify spending $60 on stuffed animals. Nomatter how cute their little outfits are.

Emma was just crushed and moped around the mall the rest of the time, which sort of sucked the fun out of the rest of the day and made me feel really guilty. I felt like I was denying her a vital childhood experience or something. I guess it's a good thing Chris was there, or i might have caved. I just feel so sad that I don't have the money to but things like that for her.

I did explain to her that there were lots of things that Mommy wanted to but, too, but wasn't going too. I think it helped her to relate that she wasn't the only one who wanted something and didn't get it (dELIAS).

Grrr i hate money.

Ok and I had that therapy appointment today. It was ok I guess. Well, the first thing is, this lady is only 31! I'm trying to decide if this is a problem or not. On the one hand, I have this sort of belief that my therapist should have been practicing at least as long as I have been recieving therapy (18 yrs) in order to have the insight to help me. BUt maybe I am wrong. I don't know. But here is one thing: I think that I also seek out older therapists so I can find someone to have a "parent-child" relationship with, and I'm not sure why I do this but I suspect it is not healthy. one of my goals is to feel more like an adult, with assurance and power and all that stuff, so I guess I don't need someone with whom I will revert back to a childlike dependence.
One big bonus- she didn't go to the University of Iowa (home of the hospital that has the ED program that I have been committed to 5 times and refer to as "evil hell" in this blog). I have a huge prejudice against those folks in Iowa City, who think they know everything about everything. Hope I didn't just offend anyone. Oh well.
We didn't get through my whole "timeline" today; I saved the worst for tommorrow. Lets just say it's something so bad I don't even talk about it on this blog because I'm afraid of what everyone would think. But I'm allowed to have secrets. Everyone is. Anyway, I'm saving that for next time. but I told her a little bit about it today and she doesn't hate me.

Ed wise i am doing ok. I'm throwing up alot but somehow maintainong my weight so I guess you could say I am doing good In some areas and not so good in others. I really really want to restrict and lose weight but since that laast time that I wrote about I haven't. But I have that secret fear that says " your therapist wont take you seriously or think you are really sick cause you look so normal! You must lose lose lose!". But i'm trying to refute this with the facts and so far am doing ok.

Well thats about it for now.

humph

I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?

I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.

I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.

i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.

ugh

I am Fat. I am deppressed. I stayed in the shower for an obscenely long time this morning because I didn't want this day to start. I am filled with anxiety. I binged and purged this morning. I really hate myself right now. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better.

Help.

ED Head!

I am really struggling with the eating disorder thoughts. I want to lose weight now! Immedietly! I cant stand my body; I disgust myself! Grrrr!
I have therapy in a few minutes. I suppose I should explore this line of thinking with my T and try to figure out what is going on. One theory I have is that I am obsessing about food/weight/body as a coping mechanism to distract myself from worrying about Emma. Also, i have other stress: big birthday party for Chris, upcoming move, money stuff(always). It seems like when I am losing weight, nomatter what is going wrong in my life, it doesn't matter because at least I am doing "good" with my weight. By "good" I mean bad of course, you know, unhealthy.
I feel like in alot of ways I have never really grown up. I am still stuck using the same behaviors and thinking the same thoughts i did when I was 13. I want to feel mature, strong, powerful, effective, responsible, and capable. Instead I feel scared, unsure, incapable, and helpless. I run from these feelings into the false safety of the eating disorder. But i know the ED is just an illusion of control and autonomy. In the end, it will keep me dependent and weak. So why do I keep going there?

A borring post

Remember my "21 day challenge"? You know, how i wasn't going to binge or purge for 21 days? Well, I only made it 12 days. But I am going to take the advice that my friend Kara so wisely gave me when i started the challenge and i'm not going to beat myself up for not making it. I'm dissappionted, but i would still consider the experience a success. I mean, 12 days is a long time for me! That's almost 2 weeks! And. I think it's even more of a success because I wasn't restricting or sticking just to safe foods; I was challenging myself to eat regular meals and "fear foods" and still not purging. So, all in all I think I did a pretty good job. Now my task is to not let this setback become permanent; to pick myself up and start again.
Last night my heart was beating really irregularly and it really scared me. It reminded me that I have been doing this for way too long, and I cant' afford even one day of bingeing and purging. I tend to think that since i am at a healthy weight i don't have to worry about medical consequences of my behavior. Last night my heart was telling me otherwise. I so don't want to throw my life away over this!

I did get to talk to Emma yesterday. She made it to Bosnia safely and i was so relieved to hear her voice. I am thinking about her alot today and wondering how in the world I am going to make it through the next month!

Today is Annie's b-day. We had the big party last week so Emma wouldn't miss it; I think today we will just go have dinner at McDonalds and let her play on the playground there ot something.

I am having MAJOR body image issues. Due to not purging and challenging myself i have gained a little weight the last few weeks and am really struggling with it. It's really hard for me to "trust my body" because I feel like it always betrays me! I would love to be able to eat like a regular person, like my D and T say i can, but when I do, i just gain a bunch of weight! GRrr!

Well, not much else is going on here. Pretty borring stuff. Sorry i complained so much on this post. Sometimes it seems like recovery is so hard and i just need to vent.

flatonmyface

well unfortunately the bulimia came back on sat, with a vengeance! 5x b/p sat, 6+ yesterday. So far today only once. Needless to say, i am very discouraged that i cant seem to get this under control again. My teeth hurt, my throat hurts, i feel like i have been hit by a truck. Oh, and i havent been writing down everything i have been eating for that one lady cause i have just been bingeing too much; it would just be too overwehlming. i havent been back to the Y anyway; i just have been too drained.
i did get some good news today, one ray of sunshine. Due to the "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act", everyone who gets social security or SSI gets a 250 dollar bonus payment next month! Yay! Of course, it's already spoken for due to costly car repairs that we just had to have done, but still, good news.
Well, back to business. I have to get back on track. I'm thinking more and more about trying to see a "real dietician". I'm just worried aboout getting a MP that will cause me to gain weight, which i'm not sure if i'm ready to do, or able to do witout freaking out emotionaly. If anyone has opinions or experiences with dieticians that they think might be helpful, please share? Love to all:)

finally- some success!

Good news! After 2 days of following my contract yet still engaging in behaviors *ahempurgingahem*, I had a purge-free day yesterday! An so far today has been good, too. And i have to give myself extra creit because there has been so much Easter cany around, and i do pick at it here and there, but i havent binged on it or anything. Oh- an i did add crunchy veggies and lowfat dip to my mp if i wanted them in place of apples, cause i was craving some to go with my soda and i didnt want to wait till sunday to change it on the contract and its MY contract anyway! Thats not cheating, is it? Because it's a healthy addition, not an unhealthy one.

Here's something i struggle with, though. I'm trying to get rid of the bulimia with my whole heart but there is a part of me that doesnt want to let go of the anorexia. And (deep breath) this is REALLY embarrassing to admit, but a big part of me really wants to stop purging because then it will be easier for me to restrict and lose weight. THERE. I said it out loud. So, how do I change this? I guess i need to figure out what the anorexia is doing for me; what need it is fulfilling that isn't being fulfilled in a health way. Cause it must serve some sort of purpose, otherwise i wouldnt still be "doing" it.

I think that changing therapists is a really healthy move for me. I don't have my first appointment with Hope until next week, but when i do see her, i think i am going to be really honest and just tell her about the feelings i just wrote about , because that is what i really need to work on. For years i have been "trying" recovery while still maintaining parts of my eating disorder that served me. I need to figure out why and truly give it all up so i can have a lastiing, meaningful recovery and a real life.

try, try again...

Well, i'm sorry to say that i have been doing REALLY bad with the bulimia lately, like, REALLY bad. My wieght is stable but i'm worried about my health due to the near constant purging. It is also taking a toll on me emotionally. Something has to change, like, now!
Last night, I came up with a plan, kind of like a contract-thingy. In it, i stated that i would go back on supplements, since that has been something that has been effective to stop the purging in the past (this will be temporary- i am reviewing the "contract" every week). I also contracted to not buy food for the purposes of bingeing and purging. Another thing i am going to do is only weigh myself once a week. And the last thing is, i committed to have live contact with a friend each day, even if it is just a phone call (internet doesn't count). This is to keep me from isolating and build my support network. The internet is great,, but i think i am getting addicted to it a little bit and need to find a balance.
To keep myself accountable, and to give my contract some teeth, i wrote that if i did not see signifigant, measurable improvement in 2 weeks i would immediately seek a "higher level of care". Chris asked me what i meant by this, and i told him i left it purposely vague, because i don't even want to think about going into inpatient treatment again. But i need to light some kind of a fire under my bum and take this thing seriously cause , i mean, i could, like, die. I feel like every time i purge i'm playing russian roulette with my life.
Anyway, my husband and i both sighned the contract last night. I will review it next week and maybe add some things. I know there are more things i need to change that would help me recover, but i'm not ready to face them yet. I also got a priesthood blessing last night.
So far today i am off to a shaky start. I binged and purged this morning but am determined to pull myself together and make it the rest of the day. If i can, it will still be the best day i have had in ahwile. And, i'm not expecting perfection just yet. Improvement is what i'm looking for. Steady improvement. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me (if you pray) and i will do the same for you, because we all need all the help we can get!

I Hate Bulimia!

Just when i thought things were under control, bulimia raises it's ugly head! The last several days have been so bad! I hate this! Today i worked out, took Anne to the library, came home and fixed her lunch and put her down for a napp and really felt ok and didnt have the urge to binge at all. I thought i was in the clear for today. Then i was munching in some carrot sticks and the next thing i knew i was all "chris do you mind if i run to the gas station for a cookie" and then it was off to the races! I return with said cookie and also donuts that are smashed cause i have to make them fit in my purse to smuggle them back in the house. I hate being so sneaky and decietful! Then i have to count the seconds till chris goes to school and i can REALLY get started, in the meantime i nibble my cookie and try to look normal when what i really want to do is just SHOVE THE WHOLE THING IN MY MOUTH!
I hate it all- the anxiety of the pre-binge, the desperation of the binge, and the raw reality of the purge. I hate the whole disgusting cycle! Why do i keep doing it?
In the old days i used to lie awake at night and plan the next days binges, but now its different. These days i dont even want IT, dont plan IT, do my best to avoid IT, but IT comes and sneaks up and takes over before i am even aware of whats happening and then i am right in the middle of IT and oh hell, might as well finish what you start.
If they ever find a part of the brain that is responsible for this i would have the doctors cut it out. I would! I would have BRAIN SURGERY if thats what it took to get rid of this deamon.
I have a feeling it is not going to be that easy.

happy valentines day!

Guess i havent posted for a little while. Iv'e been really deppressed and i noticed that when i get that way and start isolating that i tend to also isolate from my computer. I think that is a little weird, i mean, one would think that a blog would be a great way to express my feelings w/o actually having to talk to anyone. Maybe it just seems like too much work. EVERYTHING is work when i am deppressed.
Bingeing and purging has been waaay out of control, im sorry to say. I'm feeling scared and discouraged and hopeless and don't know what to do to turn this situation around. It is such a draining and isolating illness; at night when i look back on my day i mostly see it as a series frenzied purges; the dirty inside of a toilet bowl. What a way to live.
On the upside, Annies potty training is going really well. Today is the second day she is wearing real honest to gooodness cotton undies- not pullups. I feel this is quite an accomplishment, almost more so for me than for her, because i am the one who has to put her on the potty every 20 minutes. I have to take her to the potty before we leave to go anywhere, then again when we get where we are going, then midway through the outing if it is a long one, then again when we get home. This is what you do if you dont want them to we their pants. Cause once they are out of pullups and into real undies, you have to have them on the potty almost constantly for the first little while, unless you want to be changing wet pants. Sometimes i just want to quit and just slap a daiper back on her. But i dont.
Chris may be going back to work next week. He had taken a leave to help me when i got home from the hospital. I am really not doing any better and am just as unstable as i was then, and i am not looking forward to him being gone more. Its hard, though. i realize thhat his life has begun to revolve around my problems and how i am doing on a given day and stuff like that and i know that it is not good for him. He needs to get out of the house and back into things that intrest him. His job is not really a job but an engineering internship. He reallly enjoys it and says he has learned more there than at school. I had thought for awhile that i could convince him not to go back, but we had a talk about it the other night and i realized how important it was to him. So i am going to try my best to be stable and sane and not freak out ect next week when he goees back. Wish me luck!
Lately i have been thinking about changing the name of my blog to " Lisa's Downward Spiral", or maybe "Potty Training Chronicles". Cause that is what it is turning into. Next time i will try hard to find something else to write about. OH OH OH I almost forgot! Big news! I was released from nursery! Yes! And i know it is a big no-no to tell anyone your new calling before you are officially called but since i really dont care here it is- i am going to be a visiting teaching supervisor! I can totally do that! Guess i better start doing my own visiting teaching....

sad

OK, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SOMEONES EATING DISORDER/ MENTAL ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. SKIP THIS ONE! I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE! I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT! I feel absolutely awful right now. I know, that doesnt really describe it well. I just feel scared and hopeless and deppressed and, yes, suicidal. I think the thing that has really kept me from making an attempt is that i realize that i would most likely either chicken out or fail, thus ending up in the er and being hospitalized on a psych ward, and that is definately not what i want. i just dont think i really have it in me to end my life, and the hospital has absolutely nothing to offer me. So here i am . Im sure at some point i will be glad i am not killing myself. Jusst not right now.
I was doing ok until last week, when some stuff came up in therapy that was really hard, like i mentioned in my last post. I got waaay stressed out over it, but had recovered enough to function in time for our ward christmas party on saturday. This day was kind of a positive anniversary for me, since it was a yaer since my last "drunk". One year ago, on the day of our ward christmas party, i got lit on all the hand sanitizer in our 72 hour kits. While taking anabuse. Yep, i'm a classy lady. Anyway, i haven't drank since. i'm really proud of that.
So anyway, we went to the party on saturday and there was this big dinner and i binged and purged. Something just snapped in me and i did it. Afterward i felt horrible. I was so proud of myself that i hadnt purged since my treatment last yaer. This was a huge accomplishment for me. And now i blew it. I let myself down and everyone else, too. Well, i swore id pick myself back up and that it wouldnt happen again but i have thrown up every day since then. I did it 4 times yesterday! Yesterday was just the worst, i felt very out of control and suicidal and scared and alone. I am terrified that i am going to end up back in the HELL that is bulimia! I WOULD RATHER DIE! Oh, and i am taking laxatives too :( . i am so tired of this. Im tired of letting people down and being a failure. Im tired of spending each day just trying to get through the moment, scared and sad and in survival mode. I wast to wake up and be HAPPY that im alive and LOOK FORWARD to the day! I feel like i am in a nightmare!
One ray of hope- i havent thrown up yet today. But i havent eaten much either, which i know sets me up for failure. And we have a BIG FAMILY DINNER tonight, Im still trying to work out a strategy for that one. Im going to see my psychiatrist in thurs and ask him if i can go on pristiq. Its a new snri antidepressant. Lexapro has worked the best for me in the past, but now i dont think its quite doing the job. Wish me luck! And to anyone who rreads this, thanks for being there.