Thursday, April 9, 2009

finally- some success!

Good news! After 2 days of following my contract yet still engaging in behaviors *ahempurgingahem*, I had a purge-free day yesterday! An so far today has been good, too. And i have to give myself extra creit because there has been so much Easter cany around, and i do pick at it here and there, but i havent binged on it or anything. Oh- an i did add crunchy veggies and lowfat dip to my mp if i wanted them in place of apples, cause i was craving some to go with my soda and i didnt want to wait till sunday to change it on the contract and its MY contract anyway! Thats not cheating, is it? Because it's a healthy addition, not an unhealthy one.

Here's something i struggle with, though. I'm trying to get rid of the bulimia with my whole heart but there is a part of me that doesnt want to let go of the anorexia. And (deep breath) this is REALLY embarrassing to admit, but a big part of me really wants to stop purging because then it will be easier for me to restrict and lose weight. THERE. I said it out loud. So, how do I change this? I guess i need to figure out what the anorexia is doing for me; what need it is fulfilling that isn't being fulfilled in a health way. Cause it must serve some sort of purpose, otherwise i wouldnt still be "doing" it.

I think that changing therapists is a really healthy move for me. I don't have my first appointment with Hope until next week, but when i do see her, i think i am going to be really honest and just tell her about the feelings i just wrote about , because that is what i really need to work on. For years i have been "trying" recovery while still maintaining parts of my eating disorder that served me. I need to figure out why and truly give it all up so i can have a lastiing, meaningful recovery and a real life.


Zena said...

I hear you sweets..I too want to rid myself of the Bulimia demon...but feel that ANs okay...why casue i still want to lose wieght. I could have written this post. All i can say is just be honest and open...and that my dear MUST lead to Recovery ...right???

Love, Z

Kara said...

Good for you for doing so well on your MP! And I totally get what you mean by wanting to get rid of the bulimia so you can do the anorexia better. Unfortunately I feel that way too. But that's the ED talking.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that you have an appointment with another therapist. I'm so proud of you for taking that scary step to stop seeing Corey. He was no good for you.

Maybe you could even print some of these blog posts off and bring them to your appointment? That might help.