Good news! After 2 days of following my contract yet still engaging in behaviors *ahempurgingahem*, I had a purge-free day yesterday! An so far today has been good, too. And i have to give myself extra creit because there has been so much Easter cany around, and i do pick at it here and there, but i havent binged on it or anything. Oh- an i did add crunchy veggies and lowfat dip to my mp if i wanted them in place of apples, cause i was craving some to go with my soda and i didnt want to wait till sunday to change it on the contract and its MY contract anyway! Thats not cheating, is it? Because it's a healthy addition, not an unhealthy one.
Here's something i struggle with, though. I'm trying to get rid of the bulimia with my whole heart but there is a part of me that doesnt want to let go of the anorexia. And (deep breath) this is REALLY embarrassing to admit, but a big part of me really wants to stop purging because then it will be easier for me to restrict and lose weight. THERE. I said it out loud. So, how do I change this? I guess i need to figure out what the anorexia is doing for me; what need it is fulfilling that isn't being fulfilled in a health way. Cause it must serve some sort of purpose, otherwise i wouldnt still be "doing" it.
I think that changing therapists is a really healthy move for me. I don't have my first appointment with Hope until next week, but when i do see her, i think i am going to be really honest and just tell her about the feelings i just wrote about , because that is what i really need to work on. For years i have been "trying" recovery while still maintaining parts of my eating disorder that served me. I need to figure out why and truly give it all up so i can have a lastiing, meaningful recovery and a real life.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago