Thursday, April 30, 2009

carless thursday

well my husband's car is in the sho, and the car that he is borrowing from his parents wouldn't start this morning, so he has my car and i am carless. Boo that! I was going to go to Cedar Rapids to see my mom today, but since i dont have a car she decided to come down here and i am really excited to see her. She is going to have surgery on her new cancer mass this monday and i am kind of worried about it. i havent written about it too much because emotionally i am pretty shut down about the whole thing. I mean, i can say that i am worried about her, but i have a feeling that that is just the tip of the iceberg; that there are feelings in there that i am not feeling or facing or acknowledging. I don't know....
One thing thing that i feel bad about is, her hemoglobin is low, and she is going into surgery and everything, and i would like to be able to donate some blood for her but i am not up to it physically. I feel really bad about that. Of course, i dont even know if we are the same blood type, and then there is the question of all the meds i am on. Like, would they even be able to use my blood. Still, i would like to think that i would be able to donate blood or a kidney or something like that to a relative if it were needed. More incentive to get better, I guess.
In lieu of my blood, i did put my expansive nutritional knowledge to work this morning and walked down to the store and bought some iron rich foods- mollasses, dried apricots, pistachios- i have a recipie for a granola that gives you 26% of your rda for iron in one serving and i think i will make some for my mom so she can snack on; regular meals are hard for her because of her cancer treatments.
On the recovery front- i had a sesh with Hope yesterday and we taalked about how alot of my fears and anxieties are keeping me stuck in my ED. I have seen a couple of studies that said that a large percentage (i cant remember the exact number) of anorexics were diagnosed with an anxiety disorder 2 years prior to onset of the ed. Well, I first started therapy at 11 for anxiety and panic attacks, and didnt develop the ed until i was 13. so i guess that fits. My problem is, my anxiety gets so extreme that its hard to control it using the "skills" i've learned in therapy. they just aren't enough. And i can't take any benzodiazepines, i abuse them and get into trouble every time, which is too bad, cause they help the anxiety so much. i guess for me, the task lies in managing my day and not planning too many activities. But i also cant have too much down time either, because that makes me anxious, too. Oh how i would love to just BE!
I'm back on supplements and some fruits and veggies, and didn't purge or binge at all yesterday :) . Of course, i know this is not a long term plan, so i have gotten a referral from my doc to see a REAL LIVE dietician, and they will probably call to schedule the appointment sometime next week. I am nervous but ready for this step. Of course, the sick part of me is wondering how much weight i can lose before i get in to see her, so she will think that i am really sick and worthy of her help. Bah! Nonsense!
well, i should go clean some things before my mom gets here. Hope everyone has a nice day!

4 comments:

Zena said...

prayers for your mom...i know how hard that can be...please be good to yourself..how are you anyway??

Love, Z

lisalisa said...

i'm feeling very low right now.... worst mom in the world...why do i keep doing these eating disorder behaviors that put me at risk of dying and leaving my children motherless? What if i died while i was home alone with my little Annie and she was alone with me for hours until my husband got home...terrible thought, i know, but it could happen every time i do this. I cant let that happen! i have to stop, to fight to get better! Facing the fears and the discomforts is so hard and scary but i have to be brave, if not for me, for my sweet girls! They deserve a mom who is healthy and present and whole! I'm going to fight, i can do this! Pray for me please!

Zena said...

I m praying...You can do thsi Lisa and you are not the worst mom in the world you are a loving mom i can tell by how you speak of your girls...fight as you may you cant just do it for them. Thatas the missing piece you have to want it for you, you have to feel worthy enough to tell ED FUCK YOU!! I DESERVE RECOVERY!! cause you do deserve it sweets you really do...

Love, Z

lisalisa said...

thanks so much Z for your support :) I ate a pancake this morning! WOOT!