Well, i'm sorry to say that i have been doing REALLY bad with the bulimia lately, like, REALLY bad. My wieght is stable but i'm worried about my health due to the near constant purging. It is also taking a toll on me emotionally. Something has to change, like, now!
Last night, I came up with a plan, kind of like a contract-thingy. In it, i stated that i would go back on supplements, since that has been something that has been effective to stop the purging in the past (this will be temporary- i am reviewing the "contract" every week). I also contracted to not buy food for the purposes of bingeing and purging. Another thing i am going to do is only weigh myself once a week. And the last thing is, i committed to have live contact with a friend each day, even if it is just a phone call (internet doesn't count). This is to keep me from isolating and build my support network. The internet is great,, but i think i am getting addicted to it a little bit and need to find a balance.
To keep myself accountable, and to give my contract some teeth, i wrote that if i did not see signifigant, measurable improvement in 2 weeks i would immediately seek a "higher level of care". Chris asked me what i meant by this, and i told him i left it purposely vague, because i don't even want to think about going into inpatient treatment again. But i need to light some kind of a fire under my bum and take this thing seriously cause , i mean, i could, like, die. I feel like every time i purge i'm playing russian roulette with my life.
Anyway, my husband and i both sighned the contract last night. I will review it next week and maybe add some things. I know there are more things i need to change that would help me recover, but i'm not ready to face them yet. I also got a priesthood blessing last night.
So far today i am off to a shaky start. I binged and purged this morning but am determined to pull myself together and make it the rest of the day. If i can, it will still be the best day i have had in ahwile. And, i'm not expecting perfection just yet. Improvement is what i'm looking for. Steady improvement. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me (if you pray) and i will do the same for you, because we all need all the help we can get!
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago