try, try again...

Well, i'm sorry to say that i have been doing REALLY bad with the bulimia lately, like, REALLY bad. My wieght is stable but i'm worried about my health due to the near constant purging. It is also taking a toll on me emotionally. Something has to change, like, now!
Last night, I came up with a plan, kind of like a contract-thingy. In it, i stated that i would go back on supplements, since that has been something that has been effective to stop the purging in the past (this will be temporary- i am reviewing the "contract" every week). I also contracted to not buy food for the purposes of bingeing and purging. Another thing i am going to do is only weigh myself once a week. And the last thing is, i committed to have live contact with a friend each day, even if it is just a phone call (internet doesn't count). This is to keep me from isolating and build my support network. The internet is great,, but i think i am getting addicted to it a little bit and need to find a balance.
To keep myself accountable, and to give my contract some teeth, i wrote that if i did not see signifigant, measurable improvement in 2 weeks i would immediately seek a "higher level of care". Chris asked me what i meant by this, and i told him i left it purposely vague, because i don't even want to think about going into inpatient treatment again. But i need to light some kind of a fire under my bum and take this thing seriously cause , i mean, i could, like, die. I feel like every time i purge i'm playing russian roulette with my life.
Anyway, my husband and i both sighned the contract last night. I will review it next week and maybe add some things. I know there are more things i need to change that would help me recover, but i'm not ready to face them yet. I also got a priesthood blessing last night.
So far today i am off to a shaky start. I binged and purged this morning but am determined to pull myself together and make it the rest of the day. If i can, it will still be the best day i have had in ahwile. And, i'm not expecting perfection just yet. Improvement is what i'm looking for. Steady improvement. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me (if you pray) and i will do the same for you, because we all need all the help we can get!

Thought I Was Doing Really Good, But...

Things are all messed up. Last night I had a really fun trip to the ER with sypmtoms of some kind on heart problem. Turns out my potassium was low. But i have been doing pretty good with the purging, so the doctor thinks its all the excercise, which i admit has been a bit excessive. But here's the tricky part- my potassium was low, but he didnt want to give me an iv or any pills; instead he told he to go home and "eat potassium rich foods, like bannanas and potatoes". Ok, this is a problem for me, becuase i tend to purge just about every "food" i eat, which is why i drink the Boost, and I told the doc this, so he said " well, double the Boost. And no excercising.". So I was left to go home and freak out about how am I supposed to increase my intake while decreasing my excercise HEY DOC IF I COULD DO THAT I BET I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS STUPID EATING DISORDER! Well, i woke up today feeling stressed out and hella fat and bloated and so far have purged twice today which is pretty much the oposite of raising my pottasium. So i was happy that i had an appointment with Corey, but it ended up being one of those sessions that made me feel more deppressed and hopeless. And confused. Corey thinks I can still exercise, like walking and lifting weights. So I am tempted to go do it tommorrow. Just walking, nothing big. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on monday to get my potassium rechecked and maybe me will give me some potassium supplements. I have a feeling that i keep spelling potassium wrong. Anyways. It seems like once i get a handle on one pertt of my ed, another part gets out of control. I thought i was doing so good, not purging and everything, when the whole time i was also in denial about overexercising and restricting. So now i have to face that, While still trying to not binge or purge. It's just all too much sometimes. While i was talking about this stuff in Corey's office, i had this mental image of myself just going home and crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and hiding from it all. Cause thats what i feel like doing. But i have to keep going, keep trying, hoping something works. I have to do it forr my girls. They are the light of my life and my inspiration. The other day, Emma and i were talking about things we were afraid of. she said that the thing she was most afraid of was me dying. That really has given me something to think about; to my girls, i am everything. If they lost me, their lives would be affected forever. I can't let that happen. So....I will cool it on the excercise. I will try to find a way to increase my intake without freaking out and purging. I will treat myself with love and respect, so i can be a good example to my girlies. Cause i sure wouldn't want either of them doing this to themselves. It would break my heart.

sheets and supplements

I'm dissappionted. No, I'm disgruntled! The new sheets i bought yesterday are ROUGH! Like SANDPAPER! I should have expected it; should have known better than to buy only 300 threadcount. But they were so smooth, so impossibly satiny when i felt them up in TJ Maxx! And they are Egyptian cotton, which sounded luxuriouss at the time. Where did i go wrong? Maybe the roughifacation happened when i washed them (wash before use) but i used fabric softener. The husband likes them and thinks they are just fine. I'm just a very tactile person. Well, the bed has been made, and now i must lie in it. I guess i am being overly dramatic. It's just that I look forward to bedtime like my kids look forward to Christmas, and i want everything just right. Maybe they will wear smooth after awhile.
Other news of my borring life: it has now been a week since i last binged or purged! YAY! I have accomplished this feat by mostly just eating Boost shakes and apples, you know, things that will sustain me and not trigger me to want to purge. My body image is taking a hit, though. Due to the dramatic increase in dairy (from the Boost) in my diet my intestines have blown up like baloons and i look like i have swallowed a small basketball, which is very distressing. Nobody seems to notice it but me, though. Anyway, if i can be successful with this plan for a few more weeks then i would like to tackle eating "real" food again. And don't worry, I definitly AM NOT going to be one of those people who posts pictures of themselves posing with cans of supplement on their facebook page! Ok, if you are reading this, and you did that, i hope I didn't offend you. It's just not my thing.

pretty good day

ok, so today was the best day i had in a really really really long time. For one thing, i didnt binge or purge which is a huge accomplishment for me! It almost didnt turn out that way, though. I started the day with a meal plan and a schedule of activities to keep me busy, but almost blew it when i stopped at the flying j for a pop. I guess it was morbid curiosity, or just force of habit, but for some reason i checked out the donut case to see what they had and there were my favorites: fritters. Maybe i'm a southern girl and don't know it, cause i loves me some fritters! Aarrgh, why did i look! I stood there, rooted to the spot, half of my brain planning a binge, the other half screaming in despair "no no you werent going to do this today!". Just thinking about giving in brought feelings of deep relief, as it is so hard for me to fight the urges. And lets face it, bingeing is what i know. Its weird for me to not binge. But somehow i forced myself away from those fritters. Grabbed my soda and ran for it. You know when its pouring rain and you make a mad dash for your car with your eyes practically closed? Thats what it felt like. As i started up the ignition my whole body was literally shaking.
So then i went to Joker's, which is this scratch and dent grocery store i check out from tome to time, where i got a smokin deal on some Boost smoothies. $2.00 for a case of six. Oh, and about a half dozen packs of Mad Croc energy gum. Cause i really need some more caffiene in my life.
Later i went to Roots Market, which is this health food store in Cedar Falls. Cedar Falls is a college town adjacent to Waterloo(craphole where i live). When i pulled into my parking space i noticed that the siding on the building was still cracked from where i had hit it with my car the last time i was there. Fortunately they did not remember me. Anyway, i got this really good blend of loose herbal tea called "relaxation" something, and i got some german chamomille to make tea with, and also some lavendar. I loooove lavender for making tea, it is so soothing!
Then i took Emma to a therapy appt, then to the store to get her a new piggy bank, then we went out to my mother in laws and picked up annie and my laundry, then we went home and i made a kickass dinner. Then we took the girls to the mall to play on the indoor playground, then came home and gave them a bath, then i read to them, and put annie to bed, then emma read to me, and now she is in bed and whewwww i finally have taked my meds and am crashing. May i just give myself a pat on the back and note how functional i was today ( i hope i dont sound prideful). Iim excited to see corey tomorrow and have something positive to tell him for a change. I get so tired of having just deppresing news to report. Well i have to go now. My brain is turning to mush :)