Things are all messed up. Last night I had a really fun trip to the ER with sypmtoms of some kind on heart problem. Turns out my potassium was low. But i have been doing pretty good with the purging, so the doctor thinks its all the excercise, which i admit has been a bit excessive. But here's the tricky part- my potassium was low, but he didnt want to give me an iv or any pills; instead he told he to go home and "eat potassium rich foods, like bannanas and potatoes". Ok, this is a problem for me, becuase i tend to purge just about every "food" i eat, which is why i drink the Boost, and I told the doc this, so he said " well, double the Boost. And no excercising.". So I was left to go home and freak out about how am I supposed to increase my intake while decreasing my excercise HEY DOC IF I COULD DO THAT I BET I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS STUPID EATING DISORDER! Well, i woke up today feeling stressed out and hella fat and bloated and so far have purged twice today which is pretty much the oposite of raising my pottasium. So i was happy that i had an appointment with Corey, but it ended up being one of those sessions that made me feel more deppressed and hopeless. And confused. Corey thinks I can still exercise, like walking and lifting weights. So I am tempted to go do it tommorrow. Just walking, nothing big. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on monday to get my potassium rechecked and maybe me will give me some potassium supplements. I have a feeling that i keep spelling potassium wrong. Anyways. It seems like once i get a handle on one pertt of my ed, another part gets out of control. I thought i was doing so good, not purging and everything, when the whole time i was also in denial about overexercising and restricting. So now i have to face that, While still trying to not binge or purge. It's just all too much sometimes. While i was talking about this stuff in Corey's office, i had this mental image of myself just going home and crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and hiding from it all. Cause thats what i feel like doing. But i have to keep going, keep trying, hoping something works. I have to do it forr my girls. They are the light of my life and my inspiration. The other day, Emma and i were talking about things we were afraid of. she said that the thing she was most afraid of was me dying. That really has given me something to think about; to my girls, i am everything. If they lost me, their lives would be affected forever. I can't let that happen. So....I will cool it on the excercise. I will try to find a way to increase my intake without freaking out and purging. I will treat myself with love and respect, so i can be a good example to my girlies. Cause i sure wouldn't want either of them doing this to themselves. It would break my heart.
I'm turning 31 next week but somedays I feel like I'm 14, other days it seems like I'm 80. I'm married to Chris, and have two wonderfull girls. Emma is 8, and Anne is 3. I have been fighting anorexia and bulimia for 19 years. I also struggle with treatment-resistant depression.
Each day is a fight, to make it through the day, to be a good mom and wife, to love myself. This blog makes it a little easier