BACK HOME

Well i got back from my road trip on friday and i must say i had such a great time! And my girls are SO good on the road- 1300 miles in the car and no crying or complaining! Of course, i try to make it fun, with lots of stops and this road bingo game i made for emma, with prizes and everything. We spent two days at the Great Wolf lodge in traverse city, michigan, wich was AWESOME! It had an indoor waterpark and a "cave" in our room the first night and a "cabin" the ssecond night (we switched rooms). And Emma played this game called Magic Quest. You buy a wand, which you get to keep, and the game is played all throughout the hotel. The wand activates different items, like portraits and treasure chests, that you have to find, and you go on different quests. Its kind of like being in a video game. Even some of the taxidermied animals in the lodge would sayy things if you pointed the wand at them! Emma had a blast!
I did pretty good with the eating disorder on the trip. I dont have a scale, but i am pretty sure i have gained all that weight i was talking about, and then some. I only purged once, despite all the eating out and fast food we ate on the trip. Ironically, my purge was a weight watcher's frozen dinner i microwaved in our hotel room. There is no figuring out this illness sometimes.
I'm having alot of second thoughts about this whole "healthy weight" thing. I just feel so freaking uncomfortable! And fat! And what's worse, i feel so ORDINARY! Like there is nothing special about me. It's too bad that my world has shrunk to such a small place that the only way i can feel special or accomplished is to lose weight and become extremely thin, but there it is. It seems so empty and meaningless, yet life seems meaningless without it. I guess if i had gone to college or had a career or whatever i would have something to fall back on, but i have spent my whole adult life, and a good part of my teens, doing THIS! It has been my occupation, so to speak. I have always measured my success, my standing in the world, by my weight. I dont know how to view myself another way.
This is all kind of deppressing to me. I worry that i will die from my illness, or live a "sick" life. And be a bad role model for my girls, and have to watch my choices repeat myself in them. That sounds like the worst kind of torture. I am at a loss to know how to change myself, but i kknow that i have to, somehow.