Monday, March 23, 2009

back to reality

OK, so ive had some time to think since my last post, and i have realized that all of the things that i said about recovery could be said about the eating disorder. I mean, i feel fat all the time, even when i am disgusstingly thin. And i always feel like crap when i look in the mirror! And, lets face it, even if i do get to a point where i am happy with my weight, im not really happy at all. I live in fear that i will gain, and am ruled by obsessive thoughts that isolate me from my friends and family. Plus, there is the physical weakness and general crappiness of starving.
So what am i to do? How can i be happpy in this catch 22 situation? I feel like ive painted myself into a corner. Unfortunately, i "chose" the eating disorder road long ago, and now i am paying for it, because now i dont have the power to choose anymore. Im stuck with this unwanted guest in my head, day and night, beating me sensless.
I really am tired of this.

1 comment:

Kara said...

I would challenge you (and me) that we always have the power to choose. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible to choose, but we always have choices. Sometimes it's just a lot harder than others.

I would also agree that it just isn't fair that we feel fat all the time regardless of our size. I mean, what gives? That's what comes with the eating disorder. Ugh.