Im sick of feeling like shit! Im sick of cooking meals for my family and and not being able to eat with them! Sick of going to bed afraid that i wont wake up in the morning! Sick of all of it! It's just not worth it! Today in therapy we were talking about weight and I identified a weight that is within a healthy bmi range for me, yet is not scary- high like the target weight from my last treatment. Its a place that i think i could be ok at, and, while i wouldnt be CRAZY about how i looked and felt, i wouldnt have to starve or purge to maintain it. So... I think i am going to go for it. I dont have to gain TOO much in order to get there, but i am still kind of freaked out, cause i am used to trying to lose, not gain. I started already, at dinner, eating an appropriate amount with my family. Right now i feel like a beached whale. I have changed my mind back and forth at least five times in the last hour. Sometimes, i think i am going to restrict tommorrow to make up for dinner and so on and so forth. Then i remind myself of all the reasons i want to get better. I hope i can do this! I dont want to be sick for the next 20+ years or the rest of my life. And, looking at it logically, if i want to get better, weight gain is inevitable. And its not like i have a long way to go. But any gain causes MAJOR anxiety! Maybe this is wrong thinking, but one thing i have been telling myself is, if i dont like being "healthy", i can always go back. I know how. Weird, but that's kind of comforting to me. But i'm going to give it a real shot first. Hopefully i wont be on this blog next week eating my words. It seems like i have alot of breakthroughs and grand ideas that never seem to last. I hope this one is different.
I'm turning 31 next week but somedays I feel like I'm 14, other days it seems like I'm 80. I'm married to Chris, and have two wonderfull girls. Emma is 8, and Anne is 3. I have been fighting anorexia and bulimia for 19 years. I also struggle with treatment-resistant depression.
Each day is a fight, to make it through the day, to be a good mom and wife, to love myself. This blog makes it a little easier