FED UP (i can do this!)

Im sick of feeling like shit! Im sick of cooking meals for my family and and not being able to eat with them! Sick of going to bed afraid that i wont wake up in the morning! Sick of all of it! It's just not worth it! Today in therapy we were talking about weight and I identified a weight that is within a healthy bmi range for me, yet is not scary- high like the target weight from my last treatment. Its a place that i think i could be ok at, and, while i wouldnt be CRAZY about how i looked and felt, i wouldnt have to starve or purge to maintain it. So... I think i am going to go for it. I dont have to gain TOO much in order to get there, but i am still kind of freaked out, cause i am used to trying to lose, not gain. I started already, at dinner, eating an appropriate amount with my family. Right now i feel like a beached whale. I have changed my mind back and forth at least five times in the last hour. Sometimes, i think i am going to restrict tommorrow to make up for dinner and so on and so forth. Then i remind myself of all the reasons i want to get better. I hope i can do this! I dont want to be sick for the next 20+ years or the rest of my life. And, looking at it logically, if i want to get better, weight gain is inevitable. And its not like i have a long way to go. But any gain causes MAJOR anxiety! Maybe this is wrong thinking, but one thing i have been telling myself is, if i dont like being "healthy", i can always go back. I know how. Weird, but that's kind of comforting to me. But i'm going to give it a real shot first. Hopefully i wont be on this blog next week eating my words. It seems like i have alot of breakthroughs and grand ideas that never seem to last. I hope this one is different.