Well, my potassium was normal at 3.7 when they took it yesterday morning (normal is 3.5- 5.0), but i have not been doing very well ed wise since then, so i am currently treating myself to a huge glass of low-sodium v8. May i just say that i HAAAAATE bulimia! My feelings regarding the anorexia are mixed, but i swear if i never had to stare down the inside of a toilet bowl again, i would be one happy woman! Sorry to be so graphic, but there it is.
Mostly, i just wish i could accept my body at a healthy weight and trust it enough to eat intuitively again. Yesterday, i was so desperate for some success; to feel normal, that i said to myself' "to heck with the rules, i'm going to eat with my family and have what they are having". I was just longing for a "normal" family dinner. But about 5 minutes into it, ed started up, and i had all these thoughts about how fat i was going to be and how much weight i was going to gain from the food i was eating ect ect and before i knew it i had decided i was going to purge. Which meant i could have seconds, and thirds, because why not, i was going to get rid or it anyway? Looking back, I'm trying to figure out where i went wrong. Was it too risky to try to be "normal"? Should i have just stuck with my Boost and left the real food to those who could handle it? Should i have taken smaller portions, or maybe skipped the potatoes? Then would it have been ok? I'm just trying to figure this out, because somewhere in there there has got to be an answer for me; some way for me to join my family at the table and be ok with it. I hate to say this, but i am starting to lose hope that i will ever be "better" or "normal". Non-eating-disordered. I don't know. Maybe i am just having a bad week.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago