ok, so i think i really have decided to see a different therapist. Things with Corey are just not healthy anymore. It's his whole preoccupation with fitness; in some ways i think we are so alike, it's scary. I just think i need a fresh start with someone new. I debated this with myself for awhile. I mean, i am moving in august, so it seems kind of silly to be getting a new therapist. But if i stay with corey, it would be 4 more months of feeling triggered and unsure. Like, alot of times i think i am overreacting. It's not like he says anything REALLY innapropriate. It's just little comments. Like the other day we were talking about ideal body weights (a conversation i am really not healthy enough to be having with anyone) and he said "i think that runway models are very curvy in all the right ways. Like, they have curves that could be considered attractive. I'm think it's funny when fat women say things like 'real women have curves', thats just such a rationalization! There's a difference between rolls and curves!"
I could not believe that he said that! I quickly scanned my mental images for a picture of a runway model with curves and couldnt really come up with one. And what an unfair thing to say about heavy women, who are probably just trying to gain a sense of empowerment in a world that marginalizes them. But as usual i was too much of a chicken to say anything and just nodded. I tend to want approval from males and male therapists are no exception. In a way, i feel guilty, because it is patly my fault that this situation has been building. I should have been calling him on these things as they happened, not keeping my feelings inside. It's not reaally fair to him. As it is, I am going to tell him this wed that i am switching therapists and he doesnt have a clue. Like maybe if i had told him before how his comments and attitude made me feel, it would have given him a chance to correct the situation. Am i even making sense? For some reason, i am having a hard time expressing myself today.
So, on to the new T. Her name is Hope (ironic) and i already know her because she taught the DBT group i did last summer, and she remembered me too. She doesnt specialize in ed's, but she does treat patients with them. She specializes in borderline personality disorder, which i have been diagnosed with in the past and still have traits of. She asked me to come up with some "treatment goals" to share when i come in on the 13th and it made me think "yikes i actually have to work in therapy again". Lataly i have been kind of ambivalent about wanting to give up my ed and have not been working very hard in therapy. You know, just passing the time. I am excited and scared all at once. oh, and waaay nervous about my next (last) appt with corey. I hope he is proffesional and doesnt snap on me!
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago