living through it

Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.

Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.

I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.

reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!

#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.

#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.

#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.

#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.

#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.

#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.

Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.

Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!

We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!

Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!

Build-a-Bear guilt

Well it was rainy and crappy today and after watching the girls sit in front of the tv for about 20 hours I finally said "enough!" and we decided to drive to Des Moines to the "cool mall". And it was a really nice mall; I was really impressed. The only place in Iowa that you can find a Bannana Republic. La de da. They did have a huge kiddie playland and the girls played there for a long time which was fun. But.......

I made the mistake of takning the girls to Build-a-Bear just to look, since we don't have one in Ames. Before long Emma was begging hardcore. She just HAD to have a friend for her buildabear that she has at home (that she never plays with and currently doesn't even know the lacation of). I have to admit, though, that Build-a-bear is sort of a magical place if you have kids, and I really was starting to want to buy her one. You know how they say "you can't buy happiness?" Well, at that moment I felt like i really could buy her happiness.

Then thr saleslady came and told me about the special- any bear+one outfit+shoes for $30. That seemed like a borderline-good deal to me. But then I realized that if I got one for Emma, I would have to buy one for Annie, and $30 suddenly turned into $60. And with all the bills we have looming I just couldn't justify spending $60 on stuffed animals. Nomatter how cute their little outfits are.

Emma was just crushed and moped around the mall the rest of the time, which sort of sucked the fun out of the rest of the day and made me feel really guilty. I felt like I was denying her a vital childhood experience or something. I guess it's a good thing Chris was there, or i might have caved. I just feel so sad that I don't have the money to but things like that for her.

I did explain to her that there were lots of things that Mommy wanted to but, too, but wasn't going too. I think it helped her to relate that she wasn't the only one who wanted something and didn't get it (dELIAS).

Grrr i hate money.

Ok and I had that therapy appointment today. It was ok I guess. Well, the first thing is, this lady is only 31! I'm trying to decide if this is a problem or not. On the one hand, I have this sort of belief that my therapist should have been practicing at least as long as I have been recieving therapy (18 yrs) in order to have the insight to help me. BUt maybe I am wrong. I don't know. But here is one thing: I think that I also seek out older therapists so I can find someone to have a "parent-child" relationship with, and I'm not sure why I do this but I suspect it is not healthy. one of my goals is to feel more like an adult, with assurance and power and all that stuff, so I guess I don't need someone with whom I will revert back to a childlike dependence.
One big bonus- she didn't go to the University of Iowa (home of the hospital that has the ED program that I have been committed to 5 times and refer to as "evil hell" in this blog). I have a huge prejudice against those folks in Iowa City, who think they know everything about everything. Hope I didn't just offend anyone. Oh well.
We didn't get through my whole "timeline" today; I saved the worst for tommorrow. Lets just say it's something so bad I don't even talk about it on this blog because I'm afraid of what everyone would think. But I'm allowed to have secrets. Everyone is. Anyway, I'm saving that for next time. but I told her a little bit about it today and she doesn't hate me.

Ed wise i am doing ok. I'm throwing up alot but somehow maintainong my weight so I guess you could say I am doing good In some areas and not so good in others. I really really want to restrict and lose weight but since that laast time that I wrote about I haven't. But I have that secret fear that says " your therapist wont take you seriously or think you are really sick cause you look so normal! You must lose lose lose!". But i'm trying to refute this with the facts and so far am doing ok.

Well thats about it for now.

here i go...

i'm leaving to meet the new T in a few minutes. I'm so nervous, why am I so nervous? I've been in therapy for 18 years and have had who knows how many therapists! What's the deal with this anxiety?

Sounds silly, but I think I am most worried that she'll think i'm fat. A big, fat failure. i'm worried she won't like me. And it is so important to me that she likes me, so she will be motivated to help me.

Arrgh i just wish it was over already!

quandry

ok, so, first appointment with brand new therapist is this wednesday. I'm hopeful and I guess a little bit excited. I haven't had any therapy for almost 2 months now. I think I really could use a good therapist right now.

So here is my dilemma. In order to treat me, I really think that my T needs to know my history, where ive been, what has worked, what hasn't, ect. I need to share some sort of a psych history with her. But how do I condense 18 years of therapy, 21 hospitalizations, an ed that had evolved over time with ever changing symptoms and consequences. How do I explain it all, paint an accurate picture, without taking the next 5 sessions?

Things i have considered:

1. a simple timeline outlining major events, hospitalizations, relapses, ect.

2. an essay-style narrative (but that could get lengthy)

3. ?

Ok, so I have really come up with only 2 ideas so far. I am leaning toward option number one. But I thought I would throw this out there for suggestions. So if you have any ideas, I would love to hear them :)

getting back on track

Ok there is going to be alot of food-related content in this post- I just wanted to warn anyone who might be triggered by it.

So I saw my D today and we talked about how I had gained some weight and at first I felt really positive about it, but now i have gained more and am not feeling so great. And i am dealing with that anxiety by bingeing and purging alot. I really need to get back on track and turn this (the gain) back into a positive and not fall back into restricting or more bingeing and purging. So we made some new plans/goals.
1. New meal plan- bars or shakes for for breakfast and lunch, balanced meal with my family for dinner. The bars and shakes are so I can get maximum structure for the meals I am "on my own" with, and get the nutrition i need without feeling triggrerd to purge. I was tempted to go to bars/shakes completely, but my D thinks it's important for me to keep having meals with my family, and deep down i think she is right.
2. I will drink low sodium v8 if I do purge, for the potassium. My D wants to be sure i don't have a drop in potassium, especially in the hot weather.
3. i am going to weigh in with my D instead of at the Y. I'm not always at the Y at the same time of the day, so it's hard to get accurate weights. I see my D in the morning, so i can get a good weight and process it with her if i am having a hard time.
I also saw my T today and we talked about some behavioral things i can do to get back on track. Mornings are my worst time; i am generally filled with anxiety. i think I binge and purge at this time as a way to kind of put off starting the day, because i don't know what to do with myself. I have always been this way. Before I had kids I typically stayed in my pajamas and watched mindless tv until the early afternoon.
We decided I should make myself a schedule for the mornings so i can have some structure. I will get up by 8:00, have breakfast, shower by 8:30, be dressed and have makeup on by 9. Hopefully the structure will help me feel less "'lost". Atfer all, that is one thing I like about being inpatient- having a set schedule and being able to anticipate when things are going to happen. It makes me feel "safe".
Oh, and i forgot to mention that I will renew my effort to drink more water and less soda. I think this is reallly important because it is sooo hot here and i dehydrate easily. And I will save money too!
Well, this is the plan, starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. I really just want to keep moving forward, and not backward. I hope these changes can help me do that.

finally- some success!

Good news! After 2 days of following my contract yet still engaging in behaviors *ahempurgingahem*, I had a purge-free day yesterday! An so far today has been good, too. And i have to give myself extra creit because there has been so much Easter cany around, and i do pick at it here and there, but i havent binged on it or anything. Oh- an i did add crunchy veggies and lowfat dip to my mp if i wanted them in place of apples, cause i was craving some to go with my soda and i didnt want to wait till sunday to change it on the contract and its MY contract anyway! Thats not cheating, is it? Because it's a healthy addition, not an unhealthy one.

Here's something i struggle with, though. I'm trying to get rid of the bulimia with my whole heart but there is a part of me that doesnt want to let go of the anorexia. And (deep breath) this is REALLY embarrassing to admit, but a big part of me really wants to stop purging because then it will be easier for me to restrict and lose weight. THERE. I said it out loud. So, how do I change this? I guess i need to figure out what the anorexia is doing for me; what need it is fulfilling that isn't being fulfilled in a health way. Cause it must serve some sort of purpose, otherwise i wouldnt still be "doing" it.

I think that changing therapists is a really healthy move for me. I don't have my first appointment with Hope until next week, but when i do see her, i think i am going to be really honest and just tell her about the feelings i just wrote about , because that is what i really need to work on. For years i have been "trying" recovery while still maintaining parts of my eating disorder that served me. I need to figure out why and truly give it all up so i can have a lastiing, meaningful recovery and a real life.

new T

ok, so i think i really have decided to see a different therapist. Things with Corey are just not healthy anymore. It's his whole preoccupation with fitness; in some ways i think we are so alike, it's scary. I just think i need a fresh start with someone new. I debated this with myself for awhile. I mean, i am moving in august, so it seems kind of silly to be getting a new therapist. But if i stay with corey, it would be 4 more months of feeling triggered and unsure. Like, alot of times i think i am overreacting. It's not like he says anything REALLY innapropriate. It's just little comments. Like the other day we were talking about ideal body weights (a conversation i am really not healthy enough to be having with anyone) and he said "i think that runway models are very curvy in all the right ways. Like, they have curves that could be considered attractive. I'm think it's funny when fat women say things like 'real women have curves', thats just such a rationalization! There's a difference between rolls and curves!"
I could not believe that he said that! I quickly scanned my mental images for a picture of a runway model with curves and couldnt really come up with one. And what an unfair thing to say about heavy women, who are probably just trying to gain a sense of empowerment in a world that marginalizes them. But as usual i was too much of a chicken to say anything and just nodded. I tend to want approval from males and male therapists are no exception. In a way, i feel guilty, because it is patly my fault that this situation has been building. I should have been calling him on these things as they happened, not keeping my feelings inside. It's not reaally fair to him. As it is, I am going to tell him this wed that i am switching therapists and he doesnt have a clue. Like maybe if i had told him before how his comments and attitude made me feel, it would have given him a chance to correct the situation. Am i even making sense? For some reason, i am having a hard time expressing myself today.
So, on to the new T. Her name is Hope (ironic) and i already know her because she taught the DBT group i did last summer, and she remembered me too. She doesnt specialize in ed's, but she does treat patients with them. She specializes in borderline personality disorder, which i have been diagnosed with in the past and still have traits of. She asked me to come up with some "treatment goals" to share when i come in on the 13th and it made me think "yikes i actually have to work in therapy again". Lataly i have been kind of ambivalent about wanting to give up my ed and have not been working very hard in therapy. You know, just passing the time. I am excited and scared all at once. oh, and waaay nervous about my next (last) appt with corey. I hope he is proffesional and doesnt snap on me!

hmm, havent posted for awhile cause i have been really stressed out. Things with Zlatko have quieted down and for now i am just keeping an eye on the situation. I had considered taking him to court to change the visitation schedule, but just the thought of it stressed me out so bad that i abandoned the idea. For now.
I have been thinking about taking a break from therapy but have decided to keep going for now. Mostly this is because my husband was somewhat alarmed at tthe thought of me not being in therapy cause i am not doing so hot right now. but the thing is, i think therapy is making things worse. let me explain. Cory is an AMAZING therapist, the best i ever had. We are getting deeper into things that i have never explored before, and i am being more honest and open about my thought proccesses theen i have ever been. While this is ultimately a good thing, It causes me TONS of anxiety. For example, in our last session, i told Cory one of my secrets; a belief that i hold that is one of the things that keeps me sick. It felt right at the time, to reveal it, but later i began to be filled with anxiety and guilt and fear. i felt like i had exposed part of myself and i felt so vulnerable and unprotected. It terrified me. That night i severely restricted my food and spent the rest of the evening curled up in bed experiencing extreme anxiety. I woke up feeling bacically the same way. then i began to have thhoughts of cutting, something that i have not done on years. I felt panicked, i didnt know what to do. I had to find some way to express my emotions, to get them under control. Fortunately, i made a good choice. I decided to make a collage about how i was feeling. it sound childish, but it was actually very theraputic and helped me to focus on something. So anyway, im getting braver and taking risks in therapy, wich is good, but it seems to be making my anxiety and ed symptoms worse. On a more positive note, this was the first puke-free thanksgiving for me in about 12 years. Yay! Sorry if my posts are getting negative and whiny; im just having a bit of a struggle right now. Despite all this, though, i AM getting into the christmas spirit. I wish i knew how to post pictures. our apartment is all christmas-y and our tree is beautiful. I love this time of year!

Spilled MyGuts

Ok, so on Thursday i DID end up calling my therapist to see if he could sqeeeze me in, and he did. I agonized all day about whether or not i should tell him about the weight loss and restricting and was quite nervous but in the end i guess i didnt have to worry about this because apparrently it was obvious. What i mean is, the first thing Cory said when he saw me is "You look thinner! Are you thinner?". He said this with a big smile on his face, like he was congratulating me or something. Weird. Maybe he was just trying to be nonthreatening or something. Anyway, i just brushed it off with a smooooth change of subject cause i still wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it. I started telling him about how ive been feeling closed off from my husband and drawn into my mind most of the time. We started talking about how it might have to do with my religious struggle that im having. Then he started talking about love and how to love someone well you have to be honest with them. That was when i said "well i havent exactly been honest with chris about, um, food stuff lately". Then cory sat right up in his chair and i could hear him thinking "jackpot!". So he very casually starts asking me questions and he wants to know EVERYTHING, like what do i eat in a typical day and have i lost weight and stuff like that. And i tell him the truth, but the whole time ED is just SCREAMING in my ear, things like"stupid girl, shut up!" or "dont tell him, he'll just interfere" and "dont bust yourself". And then theres my personal favorite "its not like any of this is a big deal cause after all youre not underweight". But i was brave and i kept talking. Cause i dont want this to turn into a relapse; i dont want to get really sick again. ED derides me for asking for help before things get bad, but isnt that what im supposed to do? Anyway, cory said a bunch of things that were really helpful, unfortunately i cant remember any of it right now. My recall sucks! One thing we disagreed on- he thinks i should tell Chris whats going on, but i dont want to. Because im afraid he will make me stop. And im not ready to yet. At least not until im feeling safer emotionaly, which is something im going to work on with cory. And so it goes.....