Friday, November 14, 2008

Spilled MyGuts

Ok, so on Thursday i DID end up calling my therapist to see if he could sqeeeze me in, and he did. I agonized all day about whether or not i should tell him about the weight loss and restricting and was quite nervous but in the end i guess i didnt have to worry about this because apparrently it was obvious. What i mean is, the first thing Cory said when he saw me is "You look thinner! Are you thinner?". He said this with a big smile on his face, like he was congratulating me or something. Weird. Maybe he was just trying to be nonthreatening or something. Anyway, i just brushed it off with a smooooth change of subject cause i still wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it. I started telling him about how ive been feeling closed off from my husband and drawn into my mind most of the time. We started talking about how it might have to do with my religious struggle that im having. Then he started talking about love and how to love someone well you have to be honest with them. That was when i said "well i havent exactly been honest with chris about, um, food stuff lately". Then cory sat right up in his chair and i could hear him thinking "jackpot!". So he very casually starts asking me questions and he wants to know EVERYTHING, like what do i eat in a typical day and have i lost weight and stuff like that. And i tell him the truth, but the whole time ED is just SCREAMING in my ear, things like"stupid girl, shut up!" or "dont tell him, he'll just interfere" and "dont bust yourself". And then theres my personal favorite "its not like any of this is a big deal cause after all youre not underweight". But i was brave and i kept talking. Cause i dont want this to turn into a relapse; i dont want to get really sick again. ED derides me for asking for help before things get bad, but isnt that what im supposed to do? Anyway, cory said a bunch of things that were really helpful, unfortunately i cant remember any of it right now. My recall sucks! One thing we disagreed on- he thinks i should tell Chris whats going on, but i dont want to. Because im afraid he will make me stop. And im not ready to yet. At least not until im feeling safer emotionaly, which is something im going to work on with cory. And so it goes.....

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