weighing in

warning:weight talk ahead, could be triggering....

Despite some excellent advice to the contrary that i have bolth given and recieved in the past 24 hours i decided to weigh myself when i went to the Y today. I gained. NO! DOOM! YES? HAPPY? I don't know anymore.

I basically have 2 weight-related goals; which one i'm following depends on what time of the day you ask and what kind of a mood i'm in.

Goal #1: Lose Weight! Lose as much weight i can, beat my personal best(worst), get really REALLY, INFAMOUSLY thin, scare everybody, live on the EDGE, live dangerously, go all the way baby!

ok, ok, before you stop reading in disgust, have a look at goal #2: Gain Weight, Be Healthy! Eat dinner with my family and actually eat what they are eating! Be a healthy role model for my kids, exercise cause i want too, not cause i have too, find healthy ways to express myself, connect with people, give and recieve, live joyously!

Written out in black and white, it's easy to see which path i should be choosing. And i do. most days. I drink my boost and see my T and tell the truth. But some days i slip and fall. I want to take everything i've built and burn it down. Because somehow, i'ts not good enough. I'm not good enough.

I feel like i'm inhabiting this in-between world. You wouldn't see me on the street and think "gee that girl has an eating disorder". But i'm not at my target weight, either. I'm in limbo. I need to suck it up. Stop playing with fire and get on with my life. Remind myself every day that for me, weight loss=hospital=sucks=death possibly=sad family. Weight gain=health=normalcy=future with my family.

Or i could just stay where i am. But i'm thinking something needs to change, cause i'm not really happy here.
Maybe this would be a good post to share with my T.

close encounter of the scale kind

yay- day three no purge! I'm on a roll!

So, i have this NASTY sinus infection, and i finally decided to go to the doctor to get some antibiotics. So i was having major anxiety all morning, cause what happens at the doctors office? YOU GET WEIGHED! And i promised myself not to weigh until monday. Plus, i am doing so well, i do not want to be triggered by whatever my weight might be. Now, i know lots of people get on the scale backwards, but i could never do that. It's just too humiliating for me- makes me feel weird in front of other people passing by. I did consider just flat out (politely) refusing to be weighed. After all, i was just there, like, last month. How much could have changed? Why do they need to know my weight, anyways? I considered thhis and wondered if maybe they need the number so they know what dose they need to give me if they prescribe medications. Then i thought "oh please, i'm not five years old".
So, i was all set to stand my ground (and not stand on the scale) until i got there, and then my nerve began to fail. I am not a very assertive person. While i was waiting for the MA, i decided to just get on the scale and keep my eyes closed and not look at the number. So that is what i did. It was hard, because i REALLY wanted to know, but i felt such a sense of relief and freedom when it was over that it was worth it.
So then, i was sitting in the exam room, and the doctor walks in with my chart, and, after exchanging a few pleasantries, he says "so, your weight has stabalized since december! First _, then _, now it's _!".
BWAAAAAAAHHHHH! NNNOOOOOOOOOO!
I so did not want to know this information! Whyohwhy didn't i tell him the minute he walked in not to mention my weight?
And- it's worse cause its up since i was last there. Just a little, just slightly, but it's up.
Of course, i cant be sure of what i wore last time i was there....
And my appointment today was later in the day.....
......after a 32 oz mug of diet orange....
.....do you think it could have made a difference?

SEE- ITS MESSING WITH ME! This is why i only weigh myself on the same scale! In the morning. Nude. Sorry if thats too graphic for you, but there it is. That way, i know EXACTLY what has or hasnt changed.

I hope someday to have a life where something like getting on the scale at the doctors office is just a neccessary routine, not a life-changing event.

Spilled MyGuts

Ok, so on Thursday i DID end up calling my therapist to see if he could sqeeeze me in, and he did. I agonized all day about whether or not i should tell him about the weight loss and restricting and was quite nervous but in the end i guess i didnt have to worry about this because apparrently it was obvious. What i mean is, the first thing Cory said when he saw me is "You look thinner! Are you thinner?". He said this with a big smile on his face, like he was congratulating me or something. Weird. Maybe he was just trying to be nonthreatening or something. Anyway, i just brushed it off with a smooooth change of subject cause i still wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it. I started telling him about how ive been feeling closed off from my husband and drawn into my mind most of the time. We started talking about how it might have to do with my religious struggle that im having. Then he started talking about love and how to love someone well you have to be honest with them. That was when i said "well i havent exactly been honest with chris about, um, food stuff lately". Then cory sat right up in his chair and i could hear him thinking "jackpot!". So he very casually starts asking me questions and he wants to know EVERYTHING, like what do i eat in a typical day and have i lost weight and stuff like that. And i tell him the truth, but the whole time ED is just SCREAMING in my ear, things like"stupid girl, shut up!" or "dont tell him, he'll just interfere" and "dont bust yourself". And then theres my personal favorite "its not like any of this is a big deal cause after all youre not underweight". But i was brave and i kept talking. Cause i dont want this to turn into a relapse; i dont want to get really sick again. ED derides me for asking for help before things get bad, but isnt that what im supposed to do? Anyway, cory said a bunch of things that were really helpful, unfortunately i cant remember any of it right now. My recall sucks! One thing we disagreed on- he thinks i should tell Chris whats going on, but i dont want to. Because im afraid he will make me stop. And im not ready to yet. At least not until im feeling safer emotionaly, which is something im going to work on with cory. And so it goes.....

Annies a fish...and I'm a failure...

hmm.... i was all excited about this blog at first but seemed to have burned myself out in the first week. Well, that and there hasnt really been anything to report. I watched an interesting show on monkeys the other day...that was fun. Went to AA today...that was smokey! Annie drew on the wall, and now i have to go get a Magic Eraser. Other than that, not much has been going on. Emma has been home sick from school all week, but that is kind of borring to write about. Mostly we just sit around at home cause it is too cold to take a sick little girl out. I did get to go out last night to take annie to mom-baby swimming, which wasnt so bad cause i was excited just to get out of the house. She is doing really good! When we first started going, she wouldnt put her head under the water and just clung tight to me like she was afraid. Now she puts her head under, and if i support her stomach with my hand she kicks her feet and moves her arms like shes doing strokes. I am so proud of her! Ok-so heres the bad: I weighed myself at the Y and i lost quite a bit. At first i thought the scale was broke, so i used the other one they had and it said the same thing. I have kind of been in denial and not weighing myself was a way for me to go on believing that im ok and everything is fine. I guess now i have evidence that things are not going so well. Its hard, though. i just dont want to deal with some of the things that are going on in my life and particularly my marriage. Its easier to focus on what i amm going to eat and not eat. Of course i know this is all bs but that is how i feel right now. What i really need to do is talk more to my therapist and possibly ask him if i can see him every week instead of evey other week. of course, than i would have to admit that i am not this super-recovery-superstar-perfect-patient that everone thinks i am. or at least i thik everyone thinks i am! Hmmm....what to do. More later...