weighing in

warning:weight talk ahead, could be triggering....

Despite some excellent advice to the contrary that i have bolth given and recieved in the past 24 hours i decided to weigh myself when i went to the Y today. I gained. NO! DOOM! YES? HAPPY? I don't know anymore.

I basically have 2 weight-related goals; which one i'm following depends on what time of the day you ask and what kind of a mood i'm in.

Goal #1: Lose Weight! Lose as much weight i can, beat my personal best(worst), get really REALLY, INFAMOUSLY thin, scare everybody, live on the EDGE, live dangerously, go all the way baby!

ok, ok, before you stop reading in disgust, have a look at goal #2: Gain Weight, Be Healthy! Eat dinner with my family and actually eat what they are eating! Be a healthy role model for my kids, exercise cause i want too, not cause i have too, find healthy ways to express myself, connect with people, give and recieve, live joyously!

Written out in black and white, it's easy to see which path i should be choosing. And i do. most days. I drink my boost and see my T and tell the truth. But some days i slip and fall. I want to take everything i've built and burn it down. Because somehow, i'ts not good enough. I'm not good enough.

I feel like i'm inhabiting this in-between world. You wouldn't see me on the street and think "gee that girl has an eating disorder". But i'm not at my target weight, either. I'm in limbo. I need to suck it up. Stop playing with fire and get on with my life. Remind myself every day that for me, weight loss=hospital=sucks=death possibly=sad family. Weight gain=health=normalcy=future with my family.

Or i could just stay where i am. But i'm thinking something needs to change, cause i'm not really happy here.
Maybe this would be a good post to share with my T.