america's heartland

This is what I have Annie doing so I can blog.

So have you ever heard the word "agribition"? Sounds kind of dirty hehe! I think it is a combination of the words "agriculture" and "exhibition". Anyways, we went to this "agribition" place called Heartland Acres today. It had a bunch of old farm stuff and some old cars and farm animals. Don't worry I wont bore you with too many pictures.

Here's me and my honey sitting on a fake cow. Woo hoo!
This picture is kind of creepy, dont you think?

I I really like this one of Emma. The expression on her face is just perfect!

Well this wasn't the most exciting place we have ever been to, but it beats just sitting at home watching tv.

Well food has been better today so far. I had planned to just go back to only Boost and fruit, but was feeling pretty bad about that decision because it seemed like a huge step back as far as healthy, normal eating goes. But I got up this morning and had a Boost and later some watermelon. The point of the Boost is, I think of it as medicine and don't purge it, so if I am purging alot it helps me to go back to eating only Boost. But it is pretty borring, and not realistic to maintain for very long.

So anyway, I had the boost for breakfast, but by the time we had lunch I was feeling better and more confident. I had packed a Boost so I could have it wherever we were at lunchtime but when we stopped for lunch I was feeling more like real food. We were at McDonalds and I did something very brave (for me). Instead of getting a salad, I got a Big'n'Tasty meal. And ate it. And didn't purge.

I did have some anxiety when I foolishly consulted the calorie guide (shouldn't have done that). But oh well, I had made up my mind that I was not going to purge and I was sticking to it!

I wonder why sometimes i have such a hard time and will even purge something small, and other times I can eat a big ol hamburger with no trouble?

I think even with the recent rockiness I am still doing better than I was a few months ago, when I couldn't eat even one normal sized meal and keep it down. I still think I need to come up with a meal plan, though. I have been giving that lots of thought And I think I wasnt to do some kind of exchange system. Now I just need to figure out how many starches and fruits and proteins ect for each meal and snack. It's just so complicated, my brain gets tired. That's why I keep thinking it would be easier to just stick with the Boost. I want to keep eating "real food" though. To me that's the challenge, but it is a worthy goal, i think.

humph

I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?

I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.

I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.

i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.

A rocky (but good) start

ok, so, I promise that my blog isn't going to turn into a food journal :) ! This is just kind of what I am struggling with and need to process right now. So, here is how day 1 of my new structured plan is going so far.
This morning was good. I got out of bed pretty much on time per the schedule and had a boost shake. This was ok since I'm not usually hungry in the morning. Then I ran some errands and visited with my neighbor and then came home and this is where i strayed a bit from the meal plan. I was cutting up some watermelon for Annie's lunch and I had some and it tasted so good. And then I had 2 slices of the lunchmeat I was feeding her. By now i figured out that what I wanted for lunch was "real food" and not a bar; that's why I was nibbling so much. So I made an executive decision to have a salad and some watermelon instead of the bar. This is what sounded good to me. I worried that if I had the bar, i would not have been satisfied and eaten the other food anyway. Then I would have felt like I was bingeing and would have purged. So I skipped the bar in favor of "real food".
Overall, i think it was a good choice, but now I am experiencing another trigger that my dietician and I have identified. After a really large salad and a bowl of watermelon I am feeling pretty full and bloated. One reason the bars are helpful is because they don't make me feel very full, so there is not that anxiety. So anyway, I am feeling really full right now, but instead of purging I am processing the feelings on my blog. Go me! Big step! I just keep reminding myself that the reason I am so full is because the foods I ate have alot of fiber and water in them. THe feelings will go away if I can just wait it out.
I have to say that I wish I had just had the bar. Tonight is "girls night" with my sisters-in-law and we are going out to eat. So if I am already feeling full, I might be in trouble. But we are not going out until 7:30, hopfully I will have time to digest before then. I wish we didn't always go out to eat for girls night! There has to be something else fun to do in this town! No, wait, there isn't....:) .

Another thing I am really struggling with is that I really, really want to lose weight. That's how I always respond to a weight gain. Come to think of it, I am always on a mission to lose weight, even without a gain. I don't know how to "be" if I am not dieting and restricting. There is a weird restles/anxiety feeling that I don't know how to deal with, except to lose weight, because that would make things "normal" again. Does that make any sense?
I am still committed, though. I don't know how long this will last. In fact, i have a feeling deep down that this is just a "vacation" from the AN and sooner or later I will return to it. Whether or not that is true, I know i can be healthy today. I have decided not to worry too much about what might/might not happen in the future. Just for today I will be healthy and feed myself "right". I keep telling myself I can do it for one more day. Hopefully, the days will add up to weeks and months and some day i will be "recovered".

getting back on track

Ok there is going to be alot of food-related content in this post- I just wanted to warn anyone who might be triggered by it.

So I saw my D today and we talked about how I had gained some weight and at first I felt really positive about it, but now i have gained more and am not feeling so great. And i am dealing with that anxiety by bingeing and purging alot. I really need to get back on track and turn this (the gain) back into a positive and not fall back into restricting or more bingeing and purging. So we made some new plans/goals.
1. New meal plan- bars or shakes for for breakfast and lunch, balanced meal with my family for dinner. The bars and shakes are so I can get maximum structure for the meals I am "on my own" with, and get the nutrition i need without feeling triggrerd to purge. I was tempted to go to bars/shakes completely, but my D thinks it's important for me to keep having meals with my family, and deep down i think she is right.
2. I will drink low sodium v8 if I do purge, for the potassium. My D wants to be sure i don't have a drop in potassium, especially in the hot weather.
3. i am going to weigh in with my D instead of at the Y. I'm not always at the Y at the same time of the day, so it's hard to get accurate weights. I see my D in the morning, so i can get a good weight and process it with her if i am having a hard time.
I also saw my T today and we talked about some behavioral things i can do to get back on track. Mornings are my worst time; i am generally filled with anxiety. i think I binge and purge at this time as a way to kind of put off starting the day, because i don't know what to do with myself. I have always been this way. Before I had kids I typically stayed in my pajamas and watched mindless tv until the early afternoon.
We decided I should make myself a schedule for the mornings so i can have some structure. I will get up by 8:00, have breakfast, shower by 8:30, be dressed and have makeup on by 9. Hopefully the structure will help me feel less "'lost". Atfer all, that is one thing I like about being inpatient- having a set schedule and being able to anticipate when things are going to happen. It makes me feel "safe".
Oh, and i forgot to mention that I will renew my effort to drink more water and less soda. I think this is reallly important because it is sooo hot here and i dehydrate easily. And I will save money too!
Well, this is the plan, starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. I really just want to keep moving forward, and not backward. I hope these changes can help me do that.

flatonmyface

well unfortunately the bulimia came back on sat, with a vengeance! 5x b/p sat, 6+ yesterday. So far today only once. Needless to say, i am very discouraged that i cant seem to get this under control again. My teeth hurt, my throat hurts, i feel like i have been hit by a truck. Oh, and i havent been writing down everything i have been eating for that one lady cause i have just been bingeing too much; it would just be too overwehlming. i havent been back to the Y anyway; i just have been too drained.
i did get some good news today, one ray of sunshine. Due to the "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act", everyone who gets social security or SSI gets a 250 dollar bonus payment next month! Yay! Of course, it's already spoken for due to costly car repairs that we just had to have done, but still, good news.
Well, back to business. I have to get back on track. I'm thinking more and more about trying to see a "real dietician". I'm just worried aboout getting a MP that will cause me to gain weight, which i'm not sure if i'm ready to do, or able to do witout freaking out emotionaly. If anyone has opinions or experiences with dieticians that they think might be helpful, please share? Love to all:)

can i do this?

well, I took a step toward seeing a dietician (of sorts) today. A lukewarm, noncommital type step. But a step nonetheless.

Her name is Debbie, she is in charge of health promotions at the Y that i go to and she is also a personal trainer there. I see her there all the time and have had a few conversations with her about fitness/ working out /nutrition. It's a really small Y. Anyway, she told me today that they are going to have someone there in a few weeks who is doing a nutrition internship. She was asking me what my problem areas were with food and i went ahead and told her that i throw up. It was a huge risk for me, but she didn't react with disgust or act weird or anything, I told her basically that i wanted to have more energy, to be able to work out better, to be able to eat with my family, and i wanted a meal plan that would help me do that. Oh, yeah, and i don't want to gain any weight.
To my suprise, she thought this was possible. She thinks that the key for me is getting more protein. She wants me to write down everything i eat for a few days, and bring it to her next week so she can look it over and help me develop a plan(she doesnt think i shoould wait for the other lady to start working there; she thinks i need to get started now). So i'm going to write down what i'm eating, but i have to be careful, cause in the past food diaries have led to obsession.
I feel glad and kind of relieved that i've taken this new step. but part of me is freaking out. I'm already worrying about what she might add to my daily intake, and if i will be able to do it or not. And what if i do it, and i gain weight? Can I handle that? I feel like i am predicting my failure before i have even given it a chance.
well, first things first i guess. Wish me luck.