ok, so, I promise that my blog isn't going to turn into a food journal :) ! This is just kind of what I am struggling with and need to process right now. So, here is how day 1 of my new structured plan is going so far.
This morning was good. I got out of bed pretty much on time per the schedule and had a boost shake. This was ok since I'm not usually hungry in the morning. Then I ran some errands and visited with my neighbor and then came home and this is where i strayed a bit from the meal plan. I was cutting up some watermelon for Annie's lunch and I had some and it tasted so good. And then I had 2 slices of the lunchmeat I was feeding her. By now i figured out that what I wanted for lunch was "real food" and not a bar; that's why I was nibbling so much. So I made an executive decision to have a salad and some watermelon instead of the bar. This is what sounded good to me. I worried that if I had the bar, i would not have been satisfied and eaten the other food anyway. Then I would have felt like I was bingeing and would have purged. So I skipped the bar in favor of "real food".
Overall, i think it was a good choice, but now I am experiencing another trigger that my dietician and I have identified. After a really large salad and a bowl of watermelon I am feeling pretty full and bloated. One reason the bars are helpful is because they don't make me feel very full, so there is not that anxiety. So anyway, I am feeling really full right now, but instead of purging I am processing the feelings on my blog. Go me! Big step! I just keep reminding myself that the reason I am so full is because the foods I ate have alot of fiber and water in them. THe feelings will go away if I can just wait it out.
I have to say that I wish I had just had the bar. Tonight is "girls night" with my sisters-in-law and we are going out to eat. So if I am already feeling full, I might be in trouble. But we are not going out until 7:30, hopfully I will have time to digest before then. I wish we didn't always go out to eat for girls night! There has to be something else fun to do in this town! No, wait, there isn't....:) .
Another thing I am really struggling with is that I really, really want to lose weight. That's how I always respond to a weight gain. Come to think of it, I am always on a mission to lose weight, even without a gain. I don't know how to "be" if I am not dieting and restricting. There is a weird restles/anxiety feeling that I don't know how to deal with, except to lose weight, because that would make things "normal" again. Does that make any sense?
I am still committed, though. I don't know how long this will last. In fact, i have a feeling deep down that this is just a "vacation" from the AN and sooner or later I will return to it. Whether or not that is true, I know i can be healthy today. I have decided not to worry too much about what might/might not happen in the future. Just for today I will be healthy and feed myself "right". I keep telling myself I can do it for one more day. Hopefully, the days will add up to weeks and months and some day i will be "recovered".
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago