Monday, June 29, 2009

two steps forward, one step back... still progress! I did so good sat and sun, no purging, eating all "normal meals" with my family, and trying not to obsess. Then this morning I purged. Hmmph. But I am not counting today as a failure; I am going to pick myself right back up and succeed for the rest of the day!

I have gotten to the point where looking in the mirror isn't quite the sucker punch to the gut like it used to be. I do not like what I see for sure, but I am making peace with it. I just keep reminding myself of all the tradeoffs and positive things that are coming out with me being more healthy. And I also have this inner sense of peace. I think it is because I am finally doing what I am supposed to be doing, and living in line with my values.

I had a little drama on FB the last few days that is kind of sad/amusing that I think I will share. I was friended by this girl who I will call M. I don't know her but we have mutual friends (all from treatment so I figured she had an ed) so I friended her back. She was on fb several times a day. Sometimes she would post recovery sayings or goal, but alot of what she posted was things like " I cant believe my parents made me eat that, thank g*d i bought those laxies" and " i'm going to starve until I get a tube" and crap like that. Of course she is a teen, but even so, I thought it was kind of hyprocritical for her to talk about how much she wanted recovery one minute and then say things like that. And the thing was, nobody was calling her on it!
So the other day she was bemoaning the fact that someone had defriended her( I know the girl that defriended her; it is someone who is really strong in her recovery) and I finally had to tell her what I saw. I posted a comment that basically suggested that while some people were struggling to get better, she seemed invested in staying sick, and maybe that was why that person had to cut her off. I tried to tell her that an ed is no way to live, and that in order to get better you have to do the work . I didn't think I waas too hard on her.
So in her next post she was taling about how she had been slipping and was reinvesting herself in recovery. rah rah recovery! But then the next post she was talking about having an "ana photo contest" with someone! Whatever the crap that is!
So anyway that was yesterday, and today she defriended me. I dont know why, but i feel kind of bad about the whole thing. I try to only support people in recovery. I never want to hurt anybody. I was trying to support her, not her illness. But maybe I was too hard on her. Maybe I should have kept my opinions to myself.
There have been times when peopple called me on things and being the sensitive person i am i was a little hurt. But later I realized those were the people who really cared about me. And I guess I have struggled too long and too hard and am just at the point where I want to be true to myself and when I see BS I have to call it out. Am I a bad person?
And I think if someone is struggling they should definitaly be able to share that. Everyone deserves support when they are in a cycle of negative behaviors. But there is a difference between that and puposefully pursuing illness and flaunting it. I guess thats just what I think.
Anyone who reads this please tell me what you think about the whole situation, if you want.
Maybe I shouldn't FB so much, or be more careful who I expose myself (expose myself, haha) to on FB. I don't want it to be an unsafe place for me. Lately it has felt like middle school! Sheesh!


Keely said...

I would have done the same thing. If she is working towards recovery, that is great! But having "pro-ana photo contests" and talking about laxatives and starving til you "get" a tube isn't very conducive. I would have said that I support you in recovery, but it sounds like you are really stuggling with making the leap between stopping old behaviors and implementing new ones. Maybe she is just in the beginner stages of recovery and only has one foot in the door.

I think it was great to call her out on it. It is hard to hear, but how else will you change? All you can do is be there and say that you support her, but these mixed messages/behaviors are going to keep her stuck in the cycle. said...


First of all, I'm so proud of you for picking yourself right back up after you purged and seeing the rest of the day as separate from that purging. "Slips" are an EXPECTED part of the process - not things that reverse the process. Progress is measured in the speed in which you can pick yourself up, not the number of times in which you "slip." Progress is separating each moment from the moment before.

About the facebook girl - interesting story. I'm annoyed at the girl just reading what you wrote! I do not think you're a bad person. She seemed to be doing and saying things that were not pro-recovery. Everyone struggles, but you're not supposed to turn "getting sicker" into a contest or a glamorized state, which is what she seemed to be doing to me. I feel like she should know that glorifying tubes and "ana photos" could be very triggering and does not positively contribute to the recovery community. Obviously, she's not anywhere near recovered herself; that said, she should be cognizant of how she is affecting others. I don't know why she was doing what she was doing on facebook, but she needs to stop because it's damaging for other people reading it. She probably needs SOMETHING but she's not asking for that something in a very direct way. Maybe she needs help figuring out what it is she actually needs. It's like she's an eating disorder patient who shouldn't be let into a group support group yet. Clearly, the patient still needs help. But her presence is not yet good for the group. Either way, I wouldn't take it one bit personally that she defriended you. You were speaking the truth, which threatened the vitality of her ED. Maybe with enough people showing her that they don't want to hear about glamorized feeding tubes and glorified emaciation she'll be able to realize that her comments aren't flying in the pro-recovery community. Anyway, you don't need to be looking at everything she writes. Don't take it personally. She's not in a good place. You're in a better place. That was her problem.