Wednesday, June 24, 2009

the Downs

I think that Kara had it right with her comment on my blog the other day: recovery has it's ups and downs. So guess which part I am going through right now? Here's a hint: it's not the "ups". Yep.
I was ok with the weight gain, at first. But now I have gained even more weight and I am NOT HAPPY about it. I don't know what the deal is; i'm not overeating or anything. I'm just eating "normally". Why the continued gain? Will it stop? I don't think I can stand it. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's just so hard. I was running on the treadmill the other day and was nearly traumatized by the feeling of my but jiggling and bouncing every time my foot hit the belt. This is a new development. I tried to feel good about the fact that my stamina has increased and I was able to run 2 miles (big deal for me) but the butt-jiggliing was definitly disturbing. Fortunatly i was able to proccess with Debbie (nice health promotions lady at the Y who knows about my ED) and she reassured me that I am not even close to being overweight.
I just can't tolerate the feeling of being "bigger". It's with me all the time. My clothes fit differently and some of them don't fit at all. I look in the mirror and it's like looking at a stranger. i don't feel comfortable in my skin.
I'm scared to lose weight, though. I'm scared I will never get better. That once I start losing, I will just be back where I started. To be sure, i don't consider myself "recovered" at the moment. I still have to get the purging under control. But I think I am better off then I was a few months ago.
Why does recovety have to be so uncomfortable? How can I be healthy and still like myself? Will it ever happen, or will I be unhappy with myself for the rest of my life?
I read on someone's blog the other day that with weight gain, the only way out is through. So true! Right now I am wondering if I have the strength to make it through. I seriously think i might chicken out.


PTC said...

Don't chicken out, Lisa! Here's my thought, keep working on the getting healthy part and then you will be able to work out more effectively (By that I don't mean for longer periods of time) and your body will become stronger and healthier...aim for stronger and healthier because you deserve it.

Kara said...

"Can I be healthy and still like myself?" That is such a good question and yet so hard to envision (at least for me).

I hope you can have faith and not give up yet. Thinking of you...

Keely said...

That is so hard. I still have body image issues. Bad ones. At CFC they said that weight gain is initially fat but once your body gets used to having food on a continual basis, it will convert it to energy for muscle. It's just in a scared phase and wants to store energy because it thinks you will diet. Stick with it!Some days I look in the mirror and can't stand what I see, but other days (at the same weight) I look just fine. I'm playing tricks with myself or something. Anyway, I wanted to say that I love you. I'm still working on liking myself. But I know it's slowly improving. As much as I hate this weight, I hated myself more as a person in my ED. And I'm healthier and stronger both mentally and physically. said...

oh, I feel similarly a lot. Keep going! I really believe the idea about there being no way out but through. Keep going. You are not anywhere close to fat. You're just experiencing fat feelings due to a slightly more normal approach to food. The rational part of you must know that the best choice is to keep eating healthfully (no, not free for all bingeing - and not restricting - somewhere in between). That's like the intellectual part of your brain or something. The emotional part of your brain is screaming "RESTRICT! I DON'T LIKE THIS!" Be strong and choose the rational, intellectual side of your brain. It's really the only answer. The only way out is through, right? You are not getting fat. You are just feeling that way. No one else thinks of you as fat. Seriously. Be the person you'd want Emma and Annie to grow up to be and keep being good to yourself. You can do it!

Zena said...

I have only a minute and will be back lter to properly respond but what I need to say is...nothing worth fighting for is ever can do this lisa!!! just keep holding on one moment at a time!!!

Love, Z