I think that Kara had it right with her comment on my blog the other day: recovery has it's ups and downs. So guess which part I am going through right now? Here's a hint: it's not the "ups". Yep.
I was ok with the weight gain, at first. But now I have gained even more weight and I am NOT HAPPY about it. I don't know what the deal is; i'm not overeating or anything. I'm just eating "normally". Why the continued gain? Will it stop? I don't think I can stand it. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's just so hard. I was running on the treadmill the other day and was nearly traumatized by the feeling of my but jiggling and bouncing every time my foot hit the belt. This is a new development. I tried to feel good about the fact that my stamina has increased and I was able to run 2 miles (big deal for me) but the butt-jiggliing was definitly disturbing. Fortunatly i was able to proccess with Debbie (nice health promotions lady at the Y who knows about my ED) and she reassured me that I am not even close to being overweight.
I just can't tolerate the feeling of being "bigger". It's with me all the time. My clothes fit differently and some of them don't fit at all. I look in the mirror and it's like looking at a stranger. i don't feel comfortable in my skin.
I'm scared to lose weight, though. I'm scared I will never get better. That once I start losing, I will just be back where I started. To be sure, i don't consider myself "recovered" at the moment. I still have to get the purging under control. But I think I am better off then I was a few months ago.
Why does recovety have to be so uncomfortable? How can I be healthy and still like myself? Will it ever happen, or will I be unhappy with myself for the rest of my life?
I read on someone's blog the other day that with weight gain, the only way out is through. So true! Right now I am wondering if I have the strength to make it through. I seriously think i might chicken out.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago