Friday, June 19, 2009

positive gains

Ok, so i went to the Y today to work out and I decided to weigh myself since i hadn't in awhile. I was suprised to find that i had gained signifigant weight. Suprised, because I hadn't expected it, and usually I know before I get on the scale if i have gained cause i feel "fat". But not this time. Actually, my body image is pretty good right now. It totally doesn't mesh with the number on the scale.
What does this all mean? i have found myself in strange new territory. In order to make sense of it all, i will examine the facts.
1. I have gained weight and am several pounds above my range of what i consider "acceptable".
2. I do not feel fat. I do, in fact, feel quite fit.
3. I have been able to eat regular meals with my family for the past several weeks.
4. I have been allowing myself "treats" without purging.
5. I can work out without feeling overly fatigued and weak.
6. I am not having to use boost (unless i want it for breakfast).
7. I don't fell constantly hungry.
8. I am starting to see muscle definition in my body.
9. I have had a decrease in urges to binge.

I admit, the number on the scale is bothering me right now. but seen in light of the aforementioned facts, it seems like a small concern. This is progress. This is definately progress. Is it recovery? I'm not sure, but I do know one thing. I'm not going to sabatoge it with any knee-jerk reactions (ie restricting and weight loss). For once, i feel like i am moving in the right direction.

fact #1o: I am filled with hope.

7 comments: said...

This made me so happy!!! I want to comment more but I have to run off to the airport. But I'm really proud of you and I hope we can both move forwards into a life filled with things that actually matter together :) I'm filled with hope too! You're making some excellent progress and showing some real clear and rational thinking. GO YOU! (HUGE HUG)

Cammy said...

It's great that you're able to analyze this rationally, and that you're able to recognize how much better you feel now that you're restoring yourself. Remember that in recovery, gaining weight means gaining health and many other intangibles, and no reading on the scale can compare to simple things like having energy to enjoy yourself and your loved ones.

Inspiring post, keep hanging in there!

Kara said...

Great post. I'm glad that you are experiencing good body image right now (especially despite the scale) - I sense a calmness and peace in you that I really like and admire. Of course, recovery is ups and downs so you may still be in for a rocky ride, but I'm glad at this moment that you are content.

I agree with Cammy that it's great that you were able to make a list and analyze this rationally and think it through. I need to do more of that. It's so hard to not let the irrational ED feelings take over.

Zena said... made me tear up a bit:) you are in such a great place and I am so proud of you...You are moving foward in leaps and bounds, I hope you are giving yourself extra love and support you deserve it!!! You ROCK!!!

love, Z

Anonymous said...

i am so so happy for you!!! it sounds like you are in a really good place and that you just made a HUGE breakthrough. hold onto this for the days when things are not quite so positive ... but until then, revel in the joy and accomplishment of this moment.
reading things like this gives me hope ... so thank you!

Keely said...

Yay!!! I am so excited and proud of you! I wish I could give you a huge hug. I can see more confidence in you, not only in recovery but in life. You can handle hard times and still kick ED's bum. I don't want to sound cheesy but I just love you and miss you and you are amazing. (hug)

karo said...

Way to go Lisa! You probably already know this, but muscle does weigh considerably more than fat. It has a ton of water in it and the cells are closer together. That is probably why you gained some is probably muscle...which increases your metabolism and energy level to boot! Pay attention to how it feels to be in shape and feels SO MUCH BETTER than being sick and mentally foggy all the time from the ED crap. Glad to hear you fighting so hard.