....and counting until Emma leaves. Zlatko is picking her up Friday evening, and they are flying out Saturday. For Bosnia. You know, that little war-torn country on the ass-end of Europe. It doesn't help that i recently saw the movie "Taken", in which Liam Niessen's character gets kidnapped by a bunch of Albanian(Bosnian) thugs and sold into the sex trade. 7 years old is too young to get kidnapped for the sex trade, right? It terrifies me that she could just dissappear and i would never see her again. Another thing that i worry about is that in Bosnia there are still land mines from the war that nobody has ever found and once in awhile someone steps on one and gets blown up. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens.
Ok, i just have to remind myself that Zlatko really loves Emma, too, and he wouldn't take her to anywhere dangerous or let anything happen to her. I hope.
But what if the plane crashes?
It's going to be a long 4 weeks.
Emma has been to Bosnia 2 other times. I'm trying to remember how i got through it before. Well, the first time she went, I timed my treatment so i would be inpatient at the Center for Change the whole time she was gone. This was extremely helpful, as there was always a nurse standing at ready with a dose of Xanax or a shot of Haldol for my FFO's (Frequent Freak Outs). And i got to process my fears and anxieties in group. But mostly, i was dealing with my eating disorder issues so much that it was a huge distraction and i didnt constantly worry about Emma.
The second time Emma went to Bosnia is more of a mystery to me. It is a mystery because i have no memory of it. I'm talking about an entire month of Emma being out of the country, and it's a total blank. There is only one probable explanation for this: heavy Xanax use. This would make sense, because i'm sure that I had alot of anxiety over Emma being gone. But it's sad to think that instead of talking about it or trying to use coping skills, i took so much Xanax that i lost memory.
Well, this is now, and i no longer have Xanax as part of my psychopharmceutical arsenal. Which is good, but at the same time, scarry! How will i deal, when those fears overtake me, and i cant get my brain to shut off, and i can't think about anything else. I can pray. I can practice trusting, which is something that I am not so good at. Trusting that everything will be ok, that things will work out. And, in an emergency, i am authorized to take some of my Seroquel as a prn.
Goals for the week: Buy an international phonecard. Take a deep breath.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago