Monday, June 1, 2009

T minus 5 days....

....and counting until Emma leaves. Zlatko is picking her up Friday evening, and they are flying out Saturday. For Bosnia. You know, that little war-torn country on the ass-end of Europe. It doesn't help that i recently saw the movie "Taken", in which Liam Niessen's character gets kidnapped by a bunch of Albanian(Bosnian) thugs and sold into the sex trade. 7 years old is too young to get kidnapped for the sex trade, right? It terrifies me that she could just dissappear and i would never see her again. Another thing that i worry about is that in Bosnia there are still land mines from the war that nobody has ever found and once in awhile someone steps on one and gets blown up. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens.

Ok, i just have to remind myself that Zlatko really loves Emma, too, and he wouldn't take her to anywhere dangerous or let anything happen to her. I hope.

But what if the plane crashes?

It's going to be a long 4 weeks.

Emma has been to Bosnia 2 other times. I'm trying to remember how i got through it before. Well, the first time she went, I timed my treatment so i would be inpatient at the Center for Change the whole time she was gone. This was extremely helpful, as there was always a nurse standing at ready with a dose of Xanax or a shot of Haldol for my FFO's (Frequent Freak Outs). And i got to process my fears and anxieties in group. But mostly, i was dealing with my eating disorder issues so much that it was a huge distraction and i didnt constantly worry about Emma.
The second time Emma went to Bosnia is more of a mystery to me. It is a mystery because i have no memory of it. I'm talking about an entire month of Emma being out of the country, and it's a total blank. There is only one probable explanation for this: heavy Xanax use. This would make sense, because i'm sure that I had alot of anxiety over Emma being gone. But it's sad to think that instead of talking about it or trying to use coping skills, i took so much Xanax that i lost memory.
Well, this is now, and i no longer have Xanax as part of my psychopharmceutical arsenal. Which is good, but at the same time, scarry! How will i deal, when those fears overtake me, and i cant get my brain to shut off, and i can't think about anything else. I can pray. I can practice trusting, which is something that I am not so good at. Trusting that everything will be ok, that things will work out. And, in an emergency, i am authorized to take some of my Seroquel as a prn.

Goals for the week: Buy an international phonecard. Take a deep breath.

10 comments:

now.is.now said...

I don't know the whole back story of Emma and Bosnia, but I think most everyone would feel anxious about their child (is that who Emma is?) leaving the country. At the same time, she's learning so much just by getting to travel and see things. She's lucky to get to go. You have good goals for the week.

lisalisa said...

Emma is my daughter and i have joint custody with her father who is Zlatko. He is from Bosnia but is now an American citizen. His parents and a brother and sister are still in bosnia and it is really important to him to take Emma back to see them and i dont really want to deny that, especially since they are her family and all. It's just really hard and scarry when she goes. I also have this irrational fear that he will kidnap her internationally and i will never see her again. Actually it is not totally irrational since he threatened this when we broke up. Also, he threatened to kill me and i had to get a restraining order when i got engaged to my now-husband, chris. Yeah, Zlatko is a real prince. But he does love Emma and treats her like a princess. And he has calmed down and been alot more decent toward me the last five years or so. But i still don't trust him, deep down. Thats just one more reason it's so hard for me to let him take her. Sorry this comment was so long! Obviously i had some more to say oon the subject :)

now.is.now said...

Thanks for filling me in. And, yeah, that's a lot of stuff to deal with. I'm glad Zlatko treats Emma so well and has calmed down with you. Still, I get why you have your "irrational" fear. Good for you though for pushing through that fear, recognizing Zlatko's good parts, and doing what you have to do so that Emma gets to see her Bosnian family. That's all very hard, but it seems like you're doing the right thing and you're clearly a strong woman.

Zena said...

oh baby I am so sorry you have to be without your precious Emma for a whole month...but I am sure the evil EX will be good to her and will keep her safe. Is emma excited? maybe her joy about the situation can lead you to some joy. And think of all teh one on one time you can spend with little annie...be strong dear one you can do this and we are all here to support your Xanax free bum...call on us when you feel like you cant take it any more well here...at least in spirit...Ill be praying for you I swears...and go get that phone card pronto...k...much love

Z

Lisa said...

Yep, phone card time. I'm trying to think how my own mother would react to this and yeah ... not pretty.

I think you're fantastically brave.

Zena said...

NO LISA you are fantasticlly BRAVE!!!

((((LISA))))


love, Z

lisalisa said...

correction: Liam Niessan's character's DAUGHTER gets sold into the sex trade (not Liam). Just in case that didn't make sense to anyone. Maybe now you are more confused. Nevermind...

Keely said...

Add a couple more minutes to call Keely! That could be a postive coping strategy...I mean, just throwing it out there...

Zena said...

lisa,
I just want to say thankyou for all your support and that even though I dont"know" you I love you and I am going to be praying for little emma everyday...

(((hugs)))

Z

lisalisa said...

thank you so much zena that means alot to me! We will certainly be praying for you! That's funny, i just got done posting a comment on your blog and then you put this one on mine at the same time. We must be psychic! YOu can beat this! I will be looking for a post when you get out!
((hugs))