T minus 5 days....

....and counting until Emma leaves. Zlatko is picking her up Friday evening, and they are flying out Saturday. For Bosnia. You know, that little war-torn country on the ass-end of Europe. It doesn't help that i recently saw the movie "Taken", in which Liam Niessen's character gets kidnapped by a bunch of Albanian(Bosnian) thugs and sold into the sex trade. 7 years old is too young to get kidnapped for the sex trade, right? It terrifies me that she could just dissappear and i would never see her again. Another thing that i worry about is that in Bosnia there are still land mines from the war that nobody has ever found and once in awhile someone steps on one and gets blown up. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens.

Ok, i just have to remind myself that Zlatko really loves Emma, too, and he wouldn't take her to anywhere dangerous or let anything happen to her. I hope.

But what if the plane crashes?

It's going to be a long 4 weeks.

Emma has been to Bosnia 2 other times. I'm trying to remember how i got through it before. Well, the first time she went, I timed my treatment so i would be inpatient at the Center for Change the whole time she was gone. This was extremely helpful, as there was always a nurse standing at ready with a dose of Xanax or a shot of Haldol for my FFO's (Frequent Freak Outs). And i got to process my fears and anxieties in group. But mostly, i was dealing with my eating disorder issues so much that it was a huge distraction and i didnt constantly worry about Emma.
The second time Emma went to Bosnia is more of a mystery to me. It is a mystery because i have no memory of it. I'm talking about an entire month of Emma being out of the country, and it's a total blank. There is only one probable explanation for this: heavy Xanax use. This would make sense, because i'm sure that I had alot of anxiety over Emma being gone. But it's sad to think that instead of talking about it or trying to use coping skills, i took so much Xanax that i lost memory.
Well, this is now, and i no longer have Xanax as part of my psychopharmceutical arsenal. Which is good, but at the same time, scarry! How will i deal, when those fears overtake me, and i cant get my brain to shut off, and i can't think about anything else. I can pray. I can practice trusting, which is something that I am not so good at. Trusting that everything will be ok, that things will work out. And, in an emergency, i am authorized to take some of my Seroquel as a prn.

Goals for the week: Buy an international phonecard. Take a deep breath.

turd

no, this is not another post about my bowels (though things in that department are running smoothly athankyouverymuch). I just wanted to state that my ex is a Turd. A big, fat Turd. That's all.

2-22-09

Does anyone out ther know a good hitman? Ok, ok, just joking. But seriously, my ex- whatever (the evil Zlatko) is adding some major stress to my already maxxed-out stress load! So, here's the deal. Remember how i am moving to Ames this summer so chris can go to Iowa State University? Maybe i didnt mention it, but we are planning to move in june sometime. Ames is about 2 hours away from where we live now. I have been pretty excited about it, but have been scared to tell Zlatko. He is the father of my oldest daughter, Emma, and we have joint custody and i have placement, which means she lives with me and he sees her on the weekends. This has been working out ok but obviously when we move he probably wont get to see her every weekend, probably more like every other, wich is more standard anyway. And he wouldnt get to see her durring the week but whith his job he is out of town half the time anyways and he never sees her durring the week. So that wouldn't be any different. Anyhow, i got up the nerve to tell him about the move on friday when he came to pick up Emma and he didnt seem angry, but Chris was there and Zlatko always acts cool when other people are around. After they left i went in the bathroom and just started shaking and sobbing- that's what dealing whith this man does to me. He terrifies me! I have no idea what he is planning against me! Chris gave me a hug and comforted and it felt good to be reminded that i am not alone. I tried not to worry about it all weekend. I cant control him.
So, Emma got home tonight and we were talking while she had her bedtime snack and she told me that her dad said that he wasn't going to let her move to Ames and i felt my blood run cold. I had to restrein myself from asking her a million questions to try to find out what else he said cause after all, i have to let her be a kid and not a go- between. But i desperately wanted to! I want any clue into what he is thinking! I just know he is going to take me to court for custody! I just know it!
Ok. Ok. Dont freak out. Just accept that you cannot control him and he is going to do what he is going to do.
But what if he takes me to court. And it takes all our money. And he wins anyway. And Emma lives with him but is taken care of largely by her skanky idiot cousins. Who smoke and drink and swear. And she grows up like this. And i have no way to protect her .And she becomes like one of them. A person i dont recognise as my own daughter. And our family is broken.
These are my worst nightmares.