Lately, when i think about my recovery, i'm not thinking of whether or not I am at a healthy weight or how many times a day I purge or stuff like that. I'm thinking more in terms of how "prepared" I am. Like, for a catastrophie, or the end of the world or something. Could i withstand an extreme physical and emotional test, am i in a good position to live through whatever happens in the future of this crazy world? Not only that, but would I be strong enough to help my children survive?
Example: Say there is some catastrophic event in our city and we have to evacuate and for whatever reason, we have to do it on foot. How far could i walk? I know that if I were at a lower weight (like i sometimes want to be) I would be in a weakened state and probably couldn't walk very far, let alone carry my children when they got tired. I think that in the condition I am in at the moment I would do ok, but probably couldn't carry a child far. To have the best possible chance, I should probably allow myself a small weight gain and work out with the focus on building muscle.
Also, with the whole swine flu pandemic going on, I have wondered if my ed puts me in a higher risk category. My D said that she would group me in with the elderly and infants, you know, those who most likely to die from a flu. I would hate to die from a flu just because I wasn't taking good enough care of myself to be able to survive it. It would be so needless.
And what if there was some kind of a food shortage and food was rationed? I would live a lot longer and have more strength if I had a little more "padding" to begin with. I mean, it would be bad going into a situation like that if you were already underweight.
Ok, so lately i have seen 2 holocoust movies, and also Terminator. But I watch the news, too, and things are getting kind of bad. Not just the economy, but all the unrest in Iran, not to mention North Korea getting all nuclear and stuff. I'm not trying to be weird and paranoid or anything, I have just been thinking am I ready if things "get bad"? Am I placing myself in a position to be able to survive? Cause I bet in a survival situation I am not going to give a crap what size I wear, and I wont care if muscles look "bulky", I will just be glad I have them.
I know this is kind of a strange post. Most of the thoughts are stemming from "mommy fears". My children depend on me (and chris) for care and protection. I want to always be able to provide that. I want to be strong and capable in times of need. i think about what other parents in different parts of the world have had to do to survive and I think "could i do that?". We are so soft here in America. For the most part, there is no struggle to live, and we are free to think and care about non-essenttial things, like having a flat stomache. We think of our legs in terms of how they would look in a miniskirt rather than if they could outrun an attacker. What would happen if our reality suddenly, dramaticaly shifted? Has our lifestyle prepared us for the rigors of a survival situation?
I need to switch to romantic comedies, I think.
Unsolicited Advice
7 years ago
5 comments:
aaargh holy crap! I just saw this trailor for the movie "2012" that is coming out and then i googled "2012" and found all these websites about how there is going to be this earth-changing apocolyptic event on dec 12 2012 and they look very convincing. I'm kind of freaking over this- and how ironic to find this stuff today after writing this post! Please someone bring me back to reality and tell me I'm nuts, I woulld feel so much better. And no, I'm not off my medication :)!
Don't worry. There has been so many dates set of the end of the world. I read one in sixth grade that said the world was going to end in 1996 and was freaked. But guess what? It's 2009 and were all still here. War is always scary, but I won't change my life for what might happen. It's good to be prepared, but not paranoid. :)
While I wouldn't get too worried about the year 2012, or even an impending nuclear event, you do make good points about how EDs can make us either not realize or not care about how fragile we really are, but when you think about how one instantaneous accident or even can put you to a physical and psychological test, it tends to put things in perspective. Anecdote: I did an internship on a project in the rainforest last summer, and did not meet my weight-gain goals before I left. I ate like a football team while I was there to at least not lose anymore (we were hiking about 20 km a day in rought terrain), but when an infection spread through the group it really hit me hard. Everyone else got over it in a few days, but I didn't quite get over it. It flared back up right after I got back to the US, and I had a fever for 11 days in a row. I can't say for sure it was because of my weight, but it's highly likely, and I kicked myself for not getting into better shape before the trip.
Anyway, I didn't mean to encourage any paranoia, but you do make a very good point: gaining weight does more than just change your size, it also changes your mental and physical endurance, resistance, etc, all very important things for living in an unpredictable world. Great insights, I think this is an issue we tend to push to the back of our minds.
I just happened on your blog and find this post to be very thought provoking. We could all be trying harder to strengthen ourselves - mind and body - you are totally right that we have become accustomed to a smooth ride.
I think this is a good way to think about your recovery. I don't think you need to worry about a "doomsday," but thinking in terms of physical strength and stamina and your ability to protect yourself and your family are things you should be considering.
What fear or belief is it for you that holds you back from doing what you need to do to be prepared?
A few years ago, when I was physically my worst, I used to not have the physical energy to walk to class or be in the play I was in or carry my laundry, etc. While walking to class and backstage, I would be so weak and hungry I'd have to say to myself "Just breathe through it." (It being the weakness, the hunger). That's awful! One day, the director of the play pulled me aside and told me he wasn't going to let me continue to do this to myself. So if I didn't eat a luna bar every day before rehearsal, he'd cut me for the sake of my health. I didn't want to be cut so I ate the luna bar in front of him every day. That willingness to break my "rules" and eat that snack made SUCH a difference in my energy levels and in the degree to which I actually felt present and alive. I don't think I could have finished the play had I not taken care of myself a tiny bit better.
But, you're right, it's about more than being able to get through the daily tasks of the day. It's about "What if I had to carry my child for a long period of time?" It's about "What if I needed a good immune system?" It's about actual health.
Being prepared is a great way to put it! Be strong! Do what you need to do to be strong and nourished. Nourished means strength, not chaos and weakness. You are worth it!
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