I am really struggling with the eating disorder thoughts. I want to lose weight now! Immedietly! I cant stand my body; I disgust myself! Grrrr!
I have therapy in a few minutes. I suppose I should explore this line of thinking with my T and try to figure out what is going on. One theory I have is that I am obsessing about food/weight/body as a coping mechanism to distract myself from worrying about Emma. Also, i have other stress: big birthday party for Chris, upcoming move, money stuff(always). It seems like when I am losing weight, nomatter what is going wrong in my life, it doesn't matter because at least I am doing "good" with my weight. By "good" I mean bad of course, you know, unhealthy.
I feel like in alot of ways I have never really grown up. I am still stuck using the same behaviors and thinking the same thoughts i did when I was 13. I want to feel mature, strong, powerful, effective, responsible, and capable. Instead I feel scared, unsure, incapable, and helpless. I run from these feelings into the false safety of the eating disorder. But i know the ED is just an illusion of control and autonomy. In the end, it will keep me dependent and weak. So why do I keep going there?
5 months ago