I am really struggling with the eating disorder thoughts. I want to lose weight now! Immedietly! I cant stand my body; I disgust myself! Grrrr!
I have therapy in a few minutes. I suppose I should explore this line of thinking with my T and try to figure out what is going on. One theory I have is that I am obsessing about food/weight/body as a coping mechanism to distract myself from worrying about Emma. Also, i have other stress: big birthday party for Chris, upcoming move, money stuff(always). It seems like when I am losing weight, nomatter what is going wrong in my life, it doesn't matter because at least I am doing "good" with my weight. By "good" I mean bad of course, you know, unhealthy.
I feel like in alot of ways I have never really grown up. I am still stuck using the same behaviors and thinking the same thoughts i did when I was 13. I want to feel mature, strong, powerful, effective, responsible, and capable. Instead I feel scared, unsure, incapable, and helpless. I run from these feelings into the false safety of the eating disorder. But i know the ED is just an illusion of control and autonomy. In the end, it will keep me dependent and weak. So why do I keep going there?
Packing & Moving
4 years ago
4 comments:
Its a horrible disease that at sometimes needs to be fought more often, especially when its rearing its ugly head when we feel most vunerable. I hope things will turn around for you soon!
I think you hit it right on the nose. I am not practicing any behaviors but when I am stressed my ED and negative mind are CRAZY! It is so much easier to obcess about weight than worry about life.
You're sounding like I sound when I've really lost perspective. I hope talking with your T about it helped you calm down and feel less urgent about weight loss. Trust me, though, I SERIOUSLY understand that sense of urgency. Think of it this way though: You have not actually gained much weight (if at all). And no one notices the difference in your size except for you. Maybe if possible, try to disconnect yourself from your body for a day while you just focus on doing pleasurable activities and eating in a balanced and moderate way. Just try to separate your day from the days before and try to keep your mind off of worry about the future. This is totally easier said than done, but, remember, historically, resorting to ED behaviors to "quick lose weight" is not good weight management and puts you in an awful cycle of bingeing and starving and purging. It's not fun and it's not worth it. Shut down those negative thoughts about yourself. Don't engage in those self criticisms about your body or anything else. It does NO GOOD. It's not productive.
How did your appt. with your therapist go? How are you doing today? <3
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