yep, I am still a hypochondriac (I checked)

One reason that I have not been blogging as much this summer is that I have been struggling with body image REALLY BAD and every time I have sat down to blog all I can think about is complaining about my body and weight. Obviously I know that would not be helpful to me or anyone reading, so I have restrained myself. But it has been a struggle, and my zest and zeal for recovery has been reduced to a mere plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other, because I know "it's worth it!".

I have been gaining weight since last December and have suspected Lexapro to be the culprit, since that was around the time I started taking it. I dont know if you all remember but my doctor put me on it because he wanted me on an SSRI (I was on pristiq which is an SNRI) for my health anxiety. My health anxiet is basically hypochondriasis, but that is not my official diagnoses, because I have alrady been diagnosed with anxiety. Hypochondria is only diagnosed when it is the primary symptom, but I have other anxiety problems as well.

So anyways, the Lexparo helped dramatically with my health anxiety and I went from frequent calls to the nurse and doctor, urgent care, and ER visits, to having no health worries at all. It was great! Fast-forward to now. I havent had any signifigant health worries for several months. I dont think I have been to the ER since the lexapro. But I am really down about my weight. So I decided to try going off the lexapro. I called my psychdoc's nurse and let her know and explained why and she said to call if I had a any problems and also to go back on the lexapro if I felt worse after stopping it. Well I went from 30mgs down to 20mgs without any problems, but after I got down to 10, things started to change. This past week I have called the on-call dentist because I was afraid that I had an infection in my jaw from dental work I had done. I don't, but he gave me some antibiotics just to be sure (bad, I know). Then I was having chest pains and I called FirstNurse and my mom, who is a nurse. I went to the ER (but in my defense, they both told me to) and after a few hours and ekg and chest x-rays the doc told me I was fine and it was likely costocondritis, which I have had before. I think I would have recognized that if I had been on the Lexapro. But in my anxiety I went straight to "heart attack", of course. Oh, and I saw a friend from church while I was in the ER which was kind of embarassing.

So yesterday I started my full dose again but I dont think it has kicked in yet because today I was SURE I was pregnant (even though today is the last day of my period) and I had to run out and take TWO pregnancy tests and even though they were both negative I am still worried I am pregnant and worrying about what the dental x-rays and chest x-ray and meds have done to my (imaginary) unborn child. It's like, even though the logical part of me knows I am fine, there is a part of my brain that believes something different and continues to obsess over it. SO frustrating.

Well, the lexapro may or may not be affecting my weight, but I am stuck with it for now, because the turmoil I have gone through this week was more distressing to me than my bad body image. I also think I need to face my body image and learn to look outside of the physical to find value with myself instead of trying to fix the problem with weight loss (even healthy weight loss, which is all I was planning).

Peace out :)

dear lisa,

stop weighing yourself at the gym. it's only going to make you crazy.










p.s. i love you!

prepared for the new year

In honor of all you "I'm really gonna do it this is the year gonna go get some Hydroxycut/xenadrine/crack-cocaine gonna start eating low carb/all carb/paleo/cabbage gonna hit the gym* for an extreme body makeover cause I've bought into all the diet industry's new year's resolution hype" people......

however good your intentions may be.....

I give you.....

...my new favorite shirt!

Happy New Year!

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*ok so I do plan on hitting the gym this year, but only because I still have the next 10 months prepaid and I can't get my money back (I asked) and it would be an ok thing if I could climb a flight of stairs without getting winded. But I promise not to be obnoxious about it, and I will NOT be going to the gym to lose weight!

buspar

Anyone out there ever take Buspar? I started taking it (again) two months ago and I think it is making me gain weight. The thing is, it's not supposed to cause weight gain or have side effects of any sort, really.
I want to stop taking it, to see if that is what is causing the weight gain. It isn't really helping my anxiety anyways. But I don't want to my doctor to think I am non-compliant.

Crap, I don't know what to do. Only just a month ago I was feeling like I was too thin. Now I feel like Jabba the Hut. Can't i ever be "just right"?

Tell me what you think about the buspar...

"does this hemoglobin make my butt look big?"

I discovered that my ED is not really dead. The thoughts are still there, lurking.

Yesterday I had my hemoglobin checked, because I have been feeling weak and anemic. I usually am slightly anemic, but I wanted to find out if it had gotten worse. So I was suprised when the nurse told me it was a 12, which is within normal range. Following the suprise, I immediately felt...disappointed? Embarassed?

Fat?

Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, having a normal hemoglobin level made me feel fat. You know how anorexics commonly confuse "healthy" with "fat"? For example:

Well-meaning person: "Gee, Lisa, you are looking so healthy!"
Me: "your MOM's healthy."

Ok no I wouldn't really say that. But you get what I mean. To someone with an ED, "healthy" isn't always a compliment.

I have the same thing with my blood pressure. I have hereditary low blood pressure, and combine that with the ED my blood pressure was like crazy low. In a sick way I guess I felt a little proud of it and whenever I was in the hospital I wouls always listen as everyone was getting their bp's taken to make sure mine was the lowest, or at least in the bottom three. I know, right? Whatever gets you through the day, I guess. Inevitably as I would start to restore weight and get hydrated my bp would rise and I would fall into a bit of a funk as I realized that I wasn't "sick" anymore. Without an acute illness to define myself by, I didn't feel special or important.

I still feel that way a little bit sometimes. But I have to tell myself that what makes me special and important is not the ability to starve myself, or throw up my food. I am special because I am human, an individual, someone with many talents and abilities. I have the ability to grow, change, love, and be loved. I am important to many people, but especially my girls, to then I am the whole world.

Why did I , at such a young age, buy into the belief that my worth could be measured by weights or numbers or lab reults? Why did I cling to it for so long?

So yes, I still do have the thoughts. They pop in and out. But I don't act on them anymore. Mostly I just ignore them. Sometimes I ponder them.

And sometimes, they make me laugh.

we are sick today

Well, i am still here, and still eating, with no purging yet today. I made burritos for dinner (Cinco de Mayo) and they were pretty decent. Also I have been munching Brach's jellybeans like crazy and i lost a bit of filling on a Nips last night. My bad.

But the really big fun of the day is that Emma has strep throat. Chris and I both went to the doctor too, since we are feeling sick. Turns out Chris has an ear infection and I have a sinus infection. So all three of us are on antibiotics. At least Annie is healthy, though!

Since we are all laying low today i rented a few movies. The girls watched "Alvin and the Chipmunks", and right now we are watching "Oceans". Chris and I are going to watch "Men Who Stare at Goats" tonight.

I am feeling pretty ugly today. I look SO OLD without makeup, and even with makeup on, it settles into my lines after only about 15 minutes. I'm tired of looking at my stupid face. I'm obsessed with it. I wish I could afford that StriVectin cream but it is way too expensive. Oh well.
I keep trying to remind myself that I should be greatful, that at least I dont have some kind of facial disfigurement, and that if I did end up with a disfigurement I would be sorry I didn't enjoy what I have right now. I don't know why I am so negative and critical of myself.

That's about it.

the "roll"

Maybe its because I'm over 30 and headin' into middle age. Maybe it's because I've had two kids. Or maybe it's because I have gained and lost more weight then Oprah (ok that might not be true). Whatever the reason, I have a BIG @SS FAT ROLL around my middle and I CAN'T FREAKING STAND IT!!!!

I'm obsessed with this thing. It's always there, I like FEEL it constantly. Every day I have to figure out how to dress to camouflage it (layers seem to work best). I hate the way the "roll" kind of sits on the seat belt when I am driving. I just want to take a big pair of GARDEN SHEARS and cut the damned thing off!!!!

Sometimes I cant stop squeezing it and squishing it. It's like dough. Gross, right? But sometimes when I am squeezing it I just can't stop. It's like a bad car wreck; you just cant look away.

The rest of me isn't half bad. I have an ok face, smallish arms and legs (ham thighs, but that's another post), you can even see my collarbones a little bit, even at a healthy weight. But I just can't come to terms with that roll.

I hate that fat roll.

"body Image nightmare" or "the walk of shame"

ok, so, last night i was experiencing some MAJOR anxiety post-dinner, so I decided to go for a walk before I ended up doing anything I would regret (ahempurgeahem). I started out for my walk and pretty soon noticed that there was something downright disturbing going on. That is, my stomach was sticking out so far that it seemed to be going on ahead of me. Like, as if to announce the arrival of the fatass behind it. I know, I know, you are all rolling your eyes, but i'm serious! I mean if I were to walk into a wall, my stomach would hit the wall a full two seconds before the rest of me did. As in, I look pregnant! Grrr!

And then it got worse! As I walked, the wind started to blow against me, flattening my t-shirt against my stomach and outlining every roll and pooch for all to behold! It was the worst! I had to cut my walk short because I couldn't handle it. I was so embarassed and ashamed.

I came home with new determination to lose weight, but two hours later i somehow found myself on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Which is ok i guess considering my last post about how I'm not going to focus on losing this weight Iv'e gained and so on. And I suppose, as awful as it was, it was probably progress that I was able to feel those feelings last night and resist the urge to throw it all up.

I know that, according to the number on the scale, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat? Or does the height/weight chart simply apply to everyone else but me?

i'm waiting for the recovery fairy to come along and wave a magic wand over my head and say "love yourself" and poof! I will have good body image. But it doesn't seem to be happening. I guess for now i will have to find something else about myself to love besides my looks. Scary.

humph

I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?

I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.

I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.

i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.

the Downs

I think that Kara had it right with her comment on my blog the other day: recovery has it's ups and downs. So guess which part I am going through right now? Here's a hint: it's not the "ups". Yep.
I was ok with the weight gain, at first. But now I have gained even more weight and I am NOT HAPPY about it. I don't know what the deal is; i'm not overeating or anything. I'm just eating "normally". Why the continued gain? Will it stop? I don't think I can stand it. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's just so hard. I was running on the treadmill the other day and was nearly traumatized by the feeling of my but jiggling and bouncing every time my foot hit the belt. This is a new development. I tried to feel good about the fact that my stamina has increased and I was able to run 2 miles (big deal for me) but the butt-jiggliing was definitly disturbing. Fortunatly i was able to proccess with Debbie (nice health promotions lady at the Y who knows about my ED) and she reassured me that I am not even close to being overweight.
I just can't tolerate the feeling of being "bigger". It's with me all the time. My clothes fit differently and some of them don't fit at all. I look in the mirror and it's like looking at a stranger. i don't feel comfortable in my skin.
I'm scared to lose weight, though. I'm scared I will never get better. That once I start losing, I will just be back where I started. To be sure, i don't consider myself "recovered" at the moment. I still have to get the purging under control. But I think I am better off then I was a few months ago.
Why does recovety have to be so uncomfortable? How can I be healthy and still like myself? Will it ever happen, or will I be unhappy with myself for the rest of my life?
I read on someone's blog the other day that with weight gain, the only way out is through. So true! Right now I am wondering if I have the strength to make it through. I seriously think i might chicken out.

new T

ok, so i think i really have decided to see a different therapist. Things with Corey are just not healthy anymore. It's his whole preoccupation with fitness; in some ways i think we are so alike, it's scary. I just think i need a fresh start with someone new. I debated this with myself for awhile. I mean, i am moving in august, so it seems kind of silly to be getting a new therapist. But if i stay with corey, it would be 4 more months of feeling triggered and unsure. Like, alot of times i think i am overreacting. It's not like he says anything REALLY innapropriate. It's just little comments. Like the other day we were talking about ideal body weights (a conversation i am really not healthy enough to be having with anyone) and he said "i think that runway models are very curvy in all the right ways. Like, they have curves that could be considered attractive. I'm think it's funny when fat women say things like 'real women have curves', thats just such a rationalization! There's a difference between rolls and curves!"
I could not believe that he said that! I quickly scanned my mental images for a picture of a runway model with curves and couldnt really come up with one. And what an unfair thing to say about heavy women, who are probably just trying to gain a sense of empowerment in a world that marginalizes them. But as usual i was too much of a chicken to say anything and just nodded. I tend to want approval from males and male therapists are no exception. In a way, i feel guilty, because it is patly my fault that this situation has been building. I should have been calling him on these things as they happened, not keeping my feelings inside. It's not reaally fair to him. As it is, I am going to tell him this wed that i am switching therapists and he doesnt have a clue. Like maybe if i had told him before how his comments and attitude made me feel, it would have given him a chance to correct the situation. Am i even making sense? For some reason, i am having a hard time expressing myself today.
So, on to the new T. Her name is Hope (ironic) and i already know her because she taught the DBT group i did last summer, and she remembered me too. She doesnt specialize in ed's, but she does treat patients with them. She specializes in borderline personality disorder, which i have been diagnosed with in the past and still have traits of. She asked me to come up with some "treatment goals" to share when i come in on the 13th and it made me think "yikes i actually have to work in therapy again". Lataly i have been kind of ambivalent about wanting to give up my ed and have not been working very hard in therapy. You know, just passing the time. I am excited and scared all at once. oh, and waaay nervous about my next (last) appt with corey. I hope he is proffesional and doesnt snap on me!

swimsuit

Just a quick post to record a momentous occasion- I went swimsuit shopping today and didn't leave the mall in a suicidal deppression! Actually, every swimsuit that i tried on looked good. Not just not-heinous, but really, really good! Could it be that my body image is improving, or is swimsuit technology getting better? I suspect the latter, but nomatter the reason, i'm greatful to have found a decent suit with a minimum of fuss. Now if only i could find a bra that fit...

sheets and supplements

I'm dissappionted. No, I'm disgruntled! The new sheets i bought yesterday are ROUGH! Like SANDPAPER! I should have expected it; should have known better than to buy only 300 threadcount. But they were so smooth, so impossibly satiny when i felt them up in TJ Maxx! And they are Egyptian cotton, which sounded luxuriouss at the time. Where did i go wrong? Maybe the roughifacation happened when i washed them (wash before use) but i used fabric softener. The husband likes them and thinks they are just fine. I'm just a very tactile person. Well, the bed has been made, and now i must lie in it. I guess i am being overly dramatic. It's just that I look forward to bedtime like my kids look forward to Christmas, and i want everything just right. Maybe they will wear smooth after awhile.
Other news of my borring life: it has now been a week since i last binged or purged! YAY! I have accomplished this feat by mostly just eating Boost shakes and apples, you know, things that will sustain me and not trigger me to want to purge. My body image is taking a hit, though. Due to the dramatic increase in dairy (from the Boost) in my diet my intestines have blown up like baloons and i look like i have swallowed a small basketball, which is very distressing. Nobody seems to notice it but me, though. Anyway, if i can be successful with this plan for a few more weeks then i would like to tackle eating "real" food again. And don't worry, I definitly AM NOT going to be one of those people who posts pictures of themselves posing with cans of supplement on their facebook page! Ok, if you are reading this, and you did that, i hope I didn't offend you. It's just not my thing.

big girl undies

I worked out today- not too hard. I feel really good about it. Chris says i seem like im in a better mood when i work out. The hardest thing for me is being motivated to go. One bonus is that the Y has a playroom for preschool age kids that Annie really likes, so i feel like i am doing bolth of us a favor when we go. She gets to run around and get out some energy- something she doesnt really get to do alot of in the winter. I like going to the Y also cause its not very intimidating- its mostly older people who are not super in shape. I have alot of problems with comparing and think i would not be able to relax in a regular gym. My negative mind would just be shouting at me the whole time, things like " you need to be as thin as her" or "look how tiny her waist is" or my favorite "youre too fat to work out! leave and come back when youve lost weight!". I know, I know, its ridicolous! But i am getting better at not listening.
After the Y, Annie and i went to Target. I love Target. For some reason going there feels less like shopping and more like a recreational outing. i always find something good when i go there. Today i got these mini-cans of cherry 7up for the girls. I dont usually give them pop, but these cans were sooo cute, and i think that once in awhile is ok. But the main reason we went to the store was to buy Annie her first BIG GIRL UNDIES! She is doing really good with the potty training and i think she is almost ready for them! She looked and looked and finally decided on one package of Ariel and one of Disney Princess. Actually, she had wanted some thomas the train undies, and i had to explain to her that those were "boys undies". This brought on a major gut-check moment for me and i had to revisit my ideals regarding not forcing my children into gender roles. But for some reason i just wanted her to wear the girly undies. Then to my relief, i remembered that boy's undies are structurally different; they have that opening in the front for the boy's "thingy" to come out so they can pee. So of course i couldnt get her those! I was absolved.