doing better

hmm I guess it's time for an update. The really really good news first.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
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....I have a psychiatrist!!!!! And he's NICE! And he listens!! And he didn't just tell me to go excercise!!!

I had my first appointment with him last Friday. We talked for a long time, mostly about my anxiety. He thinks I should be on an SSRI (Pristiq is an SNRI), so he asked me to go back on Lexapro. I started to cry, because I was scared. Remember, a few months ago Dr. Sean had me go on Lexapro and I thought I had seratonin syndrome from taking too many meds together? I just started worrying that this would happen again. I told the new doctor this and he talked with me about seratonin syndrome and how rare it is and how even the meds I am on would not cause it. He said if I started to worry or feel weird I could call his nurse, and he introduced me to her before I left so she would know who I was. So anyways, I have been taking the Lexapro since friday and already I feel better. I feel hopeful. BTW my new dr's name is Steenblock but I will just call him Dr. S.

I have dental work looming this afternoon. Last night I had two nightmares about it. Well, a nightmare within a nightmare. Like in the movie inception. I dream like that alot. Like, I will have a dream, and "wake up" into another dream. It's funky. Anyways, I am really dreading my dental appointment. I hope this new dentist is nice. I hope I dont have a panic attack and end up bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ed-wise things are ok. A few weeks ago I was feeling really great about my recovery and was even going to write a huge post about it, full of hope and insight and wisdom blah blah blah. Then I ran into a rough patch with my anxiety and for some reason it triggered alot of ED thoughts. Not behaviors, just thoughts about restricting and losing weight. And it made me wonder, am I really as recovered as I thought I was? I guess the fact that I didnt do any restricting or purging says something. But it seems that sometimes when I am struggling with other things in my life, the ED thoughts pop up like an old security blanket. Just when I thought they were gone, there they are. I guess that's probably normal though. I mean, it was my way of coping for years. I still feel good about where I am in my recovery, but some of the "rah rah go fight win" has been sucked out of me. And that's ok. I'll get it back.

XOLisa

"does this hemoglobin make my butt look big?"

I discovered that my ED is not really dead. The thoughts are still there, lurking.

Yesterday I had my hemoglobin checked, because I have been feeling weak and anemic. I usually am slightly anemic, but I wanted to find out if it had gotten worse. So I was suprised when the nurse told me it was a 12, which is within normal range. Following the suprise, I immediately felt...disappointed? Embarassed?

Fat?

Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, having a normal hemoglobin level made me feel fat. You know how anorexics commonly confuse "healthy" with "fat"? For example:

Well-meaning person: "Gee, Lisa, you are looking so healthy!"
Me: "your MOM's healthy."

Ok no I wouldn't really say that. But you get what I mean. To someone with an ED, "healthy" isn't always a compliment.

I have the same thing with my blood pressure. I have hereditary low blood pressure, and combine that with the ED my blood pressure was like crazy low. In a sick way I guess I felt a little proud of it and whenever I was in the hospital I wouls always listen as everyone was getting their bp's taken to make sure mine was the lowest, or at least in the bottom three. I know, right? Whatever gets you through the day, I guess. Inevitably as I would start to restore weight and get hydrated my bp would rise and I would fall into a bit of a funk as I realized that I wasn't "sick" anymore. Without an acute illness to define myself by, I didn't feel special or important.

I still feel that way a little bit sometimes. But I have to tell myself that what makes me special and important is not the ability to starve myself, or throw up my food. I am special because I am human, an individual, someone with many talents and abilities. I have the ability to grow, change, love, and be loved. I am important to many people, but especially my girls, to then I am the whole world.

Why did I , at such a young age, buy into the belief that my worth could be measured by weights or numbers or lab reults? Why did I cling to it for so long?

So yes, I still do have the thoughts. They pop in and out. But I don't act on them anymore. Mostly I just ignore them. Sometimes I ponder them.

And sometimes, they make me laugh.

forgot to title this one....

Today I woke up feeling the best I have felt all week. So as usual, I went full-tilt into all the housework and things I was behind on. Vaccuming, laundry, swept the floor, ect. Needless to say I was hit with that weak, shaky feeling so now I am on the couch with my laptop.

I was reflecting earlier on how strange it is to me that I'm feeling this way. I mean, I haven't felt this weak and sick since the days when I was severely underweight and restricting. It just doesn't seem right. I am at a really healthy weight. I am eating 3 meals plus snacks. I have cut waaay down on the purging (haven't purged since sun, so its been about a week yay). Don't take ant laxatives (like i need them right now) or diet pills or anything like that. Basically I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing and still feel like sh*t.

And another thing I have been thinking about lately is just how hard it is to take care of myself when I am sick AND having ED thoughts. For example last tuesday, the day I was really sick and posted about feeling so alone (and got wonderful support from you all). I was able to eat some breakfast and lunch but was too sick to eat dinner so I just drank Powerade and laid in bed. But around 7pm I started feeling better and all of a sudden was really hungry and felt like I could eat. So a "normal" person would go find something to eat but I was stopped by ED thoughts telling me "no, dont eat now, you'll ruin everything! You didn't eat dinner; this is a perfect chance for you to lose weight! If you eat now you will be wussing out and letting this chance pass" and blah blah blah other assorted nonsense. Fortunately I was able to combat the irrational thoughts and realize that I needed and deserved to eat to keep up my strength and I had some food. But I still went to bed with thoughts of "weak" and "failure" in my head.
So that was just an example. I have been dealing with different variations of this since I have been sick with the nausea and this week with the diarrea. Fortunately I have been able to combat the thoughts and eat and take care of myself but the mental effort has been nearly exhausting. It's one thing to be sick, but to have to fight tooth and nail against yourself to justify taking care of yourself, ugh. I just hate how ED makkes everything harder. But, I am glad I have been doing well with that, because just imagine how sick I would be If I were restricting on top of all of this. So Lisa, big pats on the back for you! (and none for stupid ED)

I am going to rest ALL DAY because the ball is tonight!!!!!YAY!!!! I will take pics and put them up here.

Also wanted to give a shout out and a "thinking of you" to blogger LOULOU from BOOST FORWARD who was had a rough 24 hours. You hear about that sort of thing happening to people but I have never known anyone who has been betrayed and scammed in such an outrageous fashion. My heart goes out to you Lou and I hope you can still find treatment somewhere soon!