Today I woke up feeling the best I have felt all week. So as usual, I went full-tilt into all the housework and things I was behind on. Vaccuming, laundry, swept the floor, ect. Needless to say I was hit with that weak, shaky feeling so now I am on the couch with my laptop.
I was reflecting earlier on how strange it is to me that I'm feeling this way. I mean, I haven't felt this weak and sick since the days when I was severely underweight and restricting. It just doesn't seem right. I am at a really healthy weight. I am eating 3 meals plus snacks. I have cut waaay down on the purging (haven't purged since sun, so its been about a week yay). Don't take ant laxatives (like i need them right now) or diet pills or anything like that. Basically I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing and still feel like sh*t.
And another thing I have been thinking about lately is just how hard it is to take care of myself when I am sick AND having ED thoughts. For example last tuesday, the day I was really sick and posted about feeling so alone (and got wonderful support from you all). I was able to eat some breakfast and lunch but was too sick to eat dinner so I just drank Powerade and laid in bed. But around 7pm I started feeling better and all of a sudden was really hungry and felt like I could eat. So a "normal" person would go find something to eat but I was stopped by ED thoughts telling me "no, dont eat now, you'll ruin everything! You didn't eat dinner; this is a perfect chance for you to lose weight! If you eat now you will be wussing out and letting this chance pass" and blah blah blah other assorted nonsense. Fortunately I was able to combat the irrational thoughts and realize that I needed and deserved to eat to keep up my strength and I had some food. But I still went to bed with thoughts of "weak" and "failure" in my head.
So that was just an example. I have been dealing with different variations of this since I have been sick with the nausea and this week with the diarrea. Fortunately I have been able to combat the thoughts and eat and take care of myself but the mental effort has been nearly exhausting. It's one thing to be sick, but to have to fight tooth and nail against yourself to justify taking care of yourself, ugh. I just hate how ED makkes everything harder. But, I am glad I have been doing well with that, because just imagine how sick I would be If I were restricting on top of all of this. So Lisa, big pats on the back for you! (and none for stupid ED)
I am going to rest ALL DAY because the ball is tonight!!!!!YAY!!!! I will take pics and put them up here.
Also wanted to give a shout out and a "thinking of you" to blogger LOULOU from BOOST FORWARD who was had a rough 24 hours. You hear about that sort of thing happening to people but I have never known anyone who has been betrayed and scammed in such an outrageous fashion. My heart goes out to you Lou and I hope you can still find treatment somewhere soon!
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago