Monday, February 8, 2010


arrgh i am in such a bad place right now!!!!

Seriously, today really started out awesome. It snowed a ton in the night so I just spent the morning in the house cleaning. Cleaned and vaccuumed my bedroom, kitchen, living room. Did dishes, bleached my whites and did laundry. I listened to Cat Stevens while I was cleaning and felt super great, like I was on top of the world. Think I had a major caffiene high going on.
Then i went out and helped my friend pick up her son at preschool cause her car is in the shop. Driving was kind of scary, but it felt great to be the one helping out for a change. But by the time I got home I was kind of deflating and feeling worn out so I decided to just get on the computer for awhile. i did some fb stuff and blog reading........

.......and somehow ended up on youtube watching ED "recovery" videos. You know, the ones where they play some sappy song and talk about how horrible ED's are and show pictures of themselves at their lowest weight.

*ok seriously if you are going to make a recovery video PLEASE PLEASE do not fill it full of super triggering pictures of really skinny people*

And yes, I am aware that I am an adult (chronologically) and no one was putting a gun to my head and making me look at that crap. But it is just SO DARN SEDUCTIVE.

So now my ED is all riled up and my head is full of lovely distorted thoughts such as:

No wonder Dr. Sean isn't concerned about finding the cause of my nausea. He is probably thinking it wouldn't kill me to miss a meal.
Maybe if I looked like the girls in those videos someone would give a crap.
It is silly to force myself to eat through the nausea because by maintaining my weight I am just ensuring that no one will take this seriously.


I should take full advantage of the nausea and lose as much weight as I can.

Stupid Ed.

Guess i am going to take my reglan, cook some dinner for my family, sit down with them, and eat.

Love you all.


Lost in Obsession said...

I have never looked at ED recovery videos but I would imagine that they would make me feel very depressed. I am sorry your feeling so down. Just remember, you worth it girl. You kids love you, your husband does, and you deserve to be happy. ED=not happy.

Lou Lou said...

wow. i had a similar moment lasyt night. im so sorry you had such a bad end to the day. i felt like... super crap and somehow ended up on the sites we in recovery consider evil. bad move.
i woke up today and planned my whole day out. wrote my reasons for recovery out again as a reminder.
feeling better.
a recovery plan day.
keep with your goals, do whatever it is that reminds you that you want to stay on the path to recovery. triggering things are a nightmare, they spiral your mind downwards and it happens so quick, like a flick of a switch, breathe, relax, smile, hug your children, and thnk of your reasons to stay on track.
we can turn this around, its happened before.
you are so strong, and caring, and you can do this, you inspire me to always keep trying, when i read your blog i relate to what you say, you can do this.

lisalisa said...

lost- thank you for your comment! Yes, do not start looking at those videos. They are not a good idea. But there is one that is really good (no triggering pics) that I might write about. It inspired me to throw out my scale.

loulou- it must be going around! But thank you for your kind comment. I always hope that I can help someone and not bring them down :)

Tia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

it's funny, i was actually on youtube yesterday, very tempted to look at those slideshows/videos... but the little healthy voice in me said to RUN THE OTHER WAY . and so I did. I didn't succumb.

It's unfortunate the # of things out there that are supposedly recovery-oriented but in actuality are anything but.

Sairs said...

I never watch these either because I agree, they always put skinny girls in them and I know they trigger me. I'm not strong enough or willing enough to watch them. ED always latches onto me when I see stuff like that and then it doesn't shut up. I'm sorry you feel so awful. I hope you're feeling a little better now. Onwards and upwards and kick ED right in the butt!

Anonymous said...

Try your best to stay away from triggers.. when you feel that desire/need to fulfill, just back off. I actually recently wound myself into a tyranical rage by reading my old blog from a few years ago. I felt the pain all over again. The more you can stand to stay away from the triggers, the better you will be, and the better you'll feel about yourself. Good Luck!!

Keely said...

Noooo!!! I have been there before. I watched the whole movie (in segments) on youtube about this "ED treatment center" that was the most triggering video ever... And I just kept clicking on segment after segment... I take you seriously Lisa. You don't have to be sickly for me to listen (hug). Keep fighting. I am so proud of you for your effort to keep moving forward despite the nausea. :) I love and miss you!!! (hug)

Lisa and Jim said...

1) I love love love Cat Stevens. When that whole no-fly thing happened I was soooo pissed off - the man who sang "Love Train" absolutely is not a terrorist.

2) Triggers ARE freakishly seductive. During my Women in Health Communication class we spent a few days talking about pro-ana websites and I thought, gee, I'm so darn well-recovered that I can handle some research ... you can guess how well that worked out.

Hang in there, darlin.

brie said...

yeah, i also find it incredibly ironic that recovery videos are super triggering.

how lame.

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before, but have been reading your blog for about 3 months. (I'm not a creeper though I swear) But I wanted to let you know that you are not the only one who falls prey to those videos. Youtube is like an ed abyss that can be so easy to get sucked into. One video leads to another and before I know it I just want to be as "sick as I used to be". Yuck, I'm sick enough with ed just thinking that thought. Stay strong and think about blocking certain youtube vids. I had to do that for a while.

Lou Lou said...

hope your feeling better and staying away from triggering stuff. i know that the freedomfighters videos are so untriggerijng, do you watch those ones, arielles? so positive!!!
hope your having a brighter day lisa.