arrgh i am in such a bad place right now!!!!
Seriously, today really started out awesome. It snowed a ton in the night so I just spent the morning in the house cleaning. Cleaned and vaccuumed my bedroom, kitchen, living room. Did dishes, bleached my whites and did laundry. I listened to Cat Stevens while I was cleaning and felt super great, like I was on top of the world. Think I had a major caffiene high going on.
Then i went out and helped my friend pick up her son at preschool cause her car is in the shop. Driving was kind of scary, but it felt great to be the one helping out for a change. But by the time I got home I was kind of deflating and feeling worn out so I decided to just get on the computer for awhile. i did some fb stuff and blog reading........
.......and somehow ended up on youtube watching ED "recovery" videos. You know, the ones where they play some sappy song and talk about how horrible ED's are and show pictures of themselves at their lowest weight.
*ok seriously if you are going to make a recovery video PLEASE PLEASE do not fill it full of super triggering pictures of really skinny people*
And yes, I am aware that I am an adult (chronologically) and no one was putting a gun to my head and making me look at that crap. But it is just SO DARN SEDUCTIVE.
So now my ED is all riled up and my head is full of lovely distorted thoughts such as:
No wonder Dr. Sean isn't concerned about finding the cause of my nausea. He is probably thinking it wouldn't kill me to miss a meal.
Maybe if I looked like the girls in those videos someone would give a crap.
It is silly to force myself to eat through the nausea because by maintaining my weight I am just ensuring that no one will take this seriously.
I should take full advantage of the nausea and lose as much weight as I can.
Guess i am going to take my reglan, cook some dinner for my family, sit down with them, and eat.
Love you all.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago