Seriously. I wish I could have part of my brain removed or something.
Most of the time I think I am doing better than I have in years, but when I stop to think about it I really am not. I think I just think I am based on my weight. But I am purging several times a day most days, and if you took a random sampling of my thoughts i bet that at least 70% of them would be something about food, weight, or my body. Seriously, what was the point of gaining weight if I am just going to be miserable and obsessed with losing it? This is not how I thought it would go. I thought I would put on some weight, which would allow me to eat normally, which would allow me to not obsess, and not have to purge. But it turns out I can still be f'd up in my head at any weight. And now I am more miserable because I am freaking out about my body all the time. I feel like I am trapped in a prison of fat and I can't freaking stand it. And yet for all the obsessing and restricting and purging I don't lose weight. It's like I have the metabolism of a walrus or something.
Ok, now, I don't want anyone reading this who is vulnerable and on the fence to think "wow, recovery looks awful!". Alot of what is going on is my own fault. I admit I am not trusting my body and letting it have what it needs. I am tampering with the proccess, holding on to parts of my ED, trying to do things MY WAY. All stuff you are not supposed to do. I can't help it.
Yes I can.
But i just get scared. I don't like to deal with anything that is uncomfortable. I want recovery, but I dont want to feel anything.
I don't know what it will take for me to change. I used to say things like "I would never have an eating disorder if I has kids" or "Once I am married i wont need my eating disorder". But here i am. The problem is, these are all external changes. I think the changes need to be internal. But what exactly has to change, or how to change it?
I am stumped.
5 weeks ago