Monday, February 15, 2010

stumped

Seriously. I wish I could have part of my brain removed or something.

Most of the time I think I am doing better than I have in years, but when I stop to think about it I really am not. I think I just think I am based on my weight. But I am purging several times a day most days, and if you took a random sampling of my thoughts i bet that at least 70% of them would be something about food, weight, or my body. Seriously, what was the point of gaining weight if I am just going to be miserable and obsessed with losing it? This is not how I thought it would go. I thought I would put on some weight, which would allow me to eat normally, which would allow me to not obsess, and not have to purge. But it turns out I can still be f'd up in my head at any weight. And now I am more miserable because I am freaking out about my body all the time. I feel like I am trapped in a prison of fat and I can't freaking stand it. And yet for all the obsessing and restricting and purging I don't lose weight. It's like I have the metabolism of a walrus or something.

Ok, now, I don't want anyone reading this who is vulnerable and on the fence to think "wow, recovery looks awful!". Alot of what is going on is my own fault. I admit I am not trusting my body and letting it have what it needs. I am tampering with the proccess, holding on to parts of my ED, trying to do things MY WAY. All stuff you are not supposed to do. I can't help it.

Yes I can.

But i just get scared. I don't like to deal with anything that is uncomfortable. I want recovery, but I dont want to feel anything.
I don't know what it will take for me to change. I used to say things like "I would never have an eating disorder if I has kids" or "Once I am married i wont need my eating disorder". But here i am. The problem is, these are all external changes. I think the changes need to be internal. But what exactly has to change, or how to change it?

I am stumped.

5 comments:

dietcolagirl said...

OMG this describes me to a T.
My biggest issue with recovery is that it seems like I could either NOT recover and be skinny and unhappy or recover and be FAT and still unhappy instead. I know it's a really negative way to look at things but that's where my mind has always gotten stuck in the rcovery process and that's why i've nver been able to fully recover. people tell me that you have to ride out the uncomfortable "in between" part like what you're describing, before your mind catches up with your body and you start to feel better. ((hugs))

Kara said...

I hear you loud and clear, girl. I could have written the exact same post. If you figure it out, let me know.

Sairs said...

I know what you mean. I find it so hard to turn of my head. I was also the same, it will be better when this happens or that happens but it never is. I just have to work on me. I hope you one day, get to fix this too.
*hugs*
Sarah

now.is.now said...

On the plus side... you're not in denial. I'm not being sarcastic, I think there is something to be said for that. It's hard, and I wish I could unstump you. Keep thinking, keep working at it... hang in there xoxo

CG said...

Hi Lisa, I have just found your blog and have been reading old entries(I hope this is ok!). I don't think I have found anyone currently blogging who is actively bulimic, like me. wow...I relate to so much of what you are saying here. I could have written that myself about being trapped your body and still obsessing and restricting and purging not losing weight. gosh I feel for you! just wanted to say hi and let you know. -CG