i got your crazy

"Last month I stayed up several nights watching youtube videos that convinced me that the world as we know it was about to end, so I bought 50 pounds of wheat and a shotgun."

-said by me to my psychiatrist at last week's appointment

DOH!


What about you guys? I'm sure some of you have some gems that you wished you had kept to yourself. Lets hear it.

yep, I am still a hypochondriac (I checked)

One reason that I have not been blogging as much this summer is that I have been struggling with body image REALLY BAD and every time I have sat down to blog all I can think about is complaining about my body and weight. Obviously I know that would not be helpful to me or anyone reading, so I have restrained myself. But it has been a struggle, and my zest and zeal for recovery has been reduced to a mere plodding along, putting one foot in front of the other, because I know "it's worth it!".

I have been gaining weight since last December and have suspected Lexapro to be the culprit, since that was around the time I started taking it. I dont know if you all remember but my doctor put me on it because he wanted me on an SSRI (I was on pristiq which is an SNRI) for my health anxiety. My health anxiet is basically hypochondriasis, but that is not my official diagnoses, because I have alrady been diagnosed with anxiety. Hypochondria is only diagnosed when it is the primary symptom, but I have other anxiety problems as well.

So anyways, the Lexparo helped dramatically with my health anxiety and I went from frequent calls to the nurse and doctor, urgent care, and ER visits, to having no health worries at all. It was great! Fast-forward to now. I havent had any signifigant health worries for several months. I dont think I have been to the ER since the lexapro. But I am really down about my weight. So I decided to try going off the lexapro. I called my psychdoc's nurse and let her know and explained why and she said to call if I had a any problems and also to go back on the lexapro if I felt worse after stopping it. Well I went from 30mgs down to 20mgs without any problems, but after I got down to 10, things started to change. This past week I have called the on-call dentist because I was afraid that I had an infection in my jaw from dental work I had done. I don't, but he gave me some antibiotics just to be sure (bad, I know). Then I was having chest pains and I called FirstNurse and my mom, who is a nurse. I went to the ER (but in my defense, they both told me to) and after a few hours and ekg and chest x-rays the doc told me I was fine and it was likely costocondritis, which I have had before. I think I would have recognized that if I had been on the Lexapro. But in my anxiety I went straight to "heart attack", of course. Oh, and I saw a friend from church while I was in the ER which was kind of embarassing.

So yesterday I started my full dose again but I dont think it has kicked in yet because today I was SURE I was pregnant (even though today is the last day of my period) and I had to run out and take TWO pregnancy tests and even though they were both negative I am still worried I am pregnant and worrying about what the dental x-rays and chest x-ray and meds have done to my (imaginary) unborn child. It's like, even though the logical part of me knows I am fine, there is a part of my brain that believes something different and continues to obsess over it. SO frustrating.

Well, the lexapro may or may not be affecting my weight, but I am stuck with it for now, because the turmoil I have gone through this week was more distressing to me than my bad body image. I also think I need to face my body image and learn to look outside of the physical to find value with myself instead of trying to fix the problem with weight loss (even healthy weight loss, which is all I was planning).

Peace out :)

hell hath frozen over

I am going to see a dietitian to day.

Ok I am not anti-dietitian. Lots of people with ED's will benefit from seeing a dietitian at various points in their recovery. But as someone who had been in treatment like a bazillion times, I have kind of a "been there, done that" attitiude about the whole meal plan-serving size-food pyramid thing. I know that fat is a a vital nutrient and your liver can only store 2 hours worth of glycogen and your brain needs carbs to function. I know this stuff (geez I sound cocky).

But I am actually not going to see the D for my eating disorder (or non-eating disorder, since technically I dont even have one anymore! Yay!). I am going to see if she can help with my anxiety and depression. I have been reading ALOT lately about the relationship between mental health and nutrition. Like for instance, did you know that you need amino acids, especially tryptophan, in order for your body to make seratonin? So in theory, even if you were on an SSRI antidepressant, you might still not have enough seratonin if you are not getting all your amino acids. SSRI's dont make seratonin, they just keep more of it floating around in your noggin.
And I have been reading all about different fats, too. I already knew that omega 3's are good for you, but there are also long chain and medium chain and all sorts of fats that do different things for you that I dont quite understand. And I was also reading about how important the balance of magnesium and calcium is in controlling anxiety.

I guess I'm feeling like I am gathering all this information but I dont quite know how to make sense of it, or how to pull it all together. Like, what does all of this mean for Lisa? I don't want a meal plan per se, because I like having flexability, but maybe some sort of loosely structured guidelines would be helpful.

I am seeing a dietitian in my therapist's office. She works with the eating disorder patients, but also with parents of kids with adhd and other mental health problems to help them get the right nutrition to help manage their symptoms, and she knows alot about the relationship between nutrition and mental health. She is only part time in the office, her FT job is professor of nutrition or dietetics or something at Ia State.
Oh, and my insurance wont pay for me to see her so I have to pay out of pocket. Boo. BUt I am to the point where I feel ok about spending the money if I think she could help me. I have been very frustrated with my psych med situation. Pristiq has been a fail, and that is the newest one that I know of. I am SO over the atypical antipsychotics, cant take the benzos because I cant stick to proper doses, have tried every ssri and snri on the market (and even a few that have been pulled from the market), older antidepressants, lithium, shock treatment, ect.
Don't get me wrong, I am going to stay on my current meds, but I think that casting my net a bit wider in my search for symptom relief might be in order.

I'm trying not to get too hopeful. My plan is to go in with no expectations and an open mind.

But seriously, if she whips out the plastic food I am outta there.

First Nurse @&#$*!

Ok, I think that McFarland Clinic needs to give their nurses who man the First Nurse phones some sensitivity training, or something.

I called last night to ask a question about taking ibubrofen (see previous post). It was kind of embarassing because I had to tell the nurse about my "poop problems" and bleeding and such, which was why I was concerned about taking the ibuprofen, because you aren't supposed to take it if you have GI bleeding.
So anyways, the nurse pulls up my chart on the computer and she says "I see you have anxiety and depression......." in a way that made me think that she thinks this has something to do with what I am talking about. This has happened before. I don't know why they have to bring it up! It has nothing to do with my costochondritis or GI bleeding! Then she said "you are on lexapro, prisiq, trazodone, and buspar. Wow, that's alot of medication! You take all that medication!?"
I was beyond irritated by this comment. First of all, that's not really that much medication. I have been on more in the past, and I know alot of people with mental illness that take more medications than that. But it was mostly the tone in her voice that bothered me. It was a judging, dissapproving tone. I know what you are thinking, that I was probably just embarassed and feeling sensitive (and I was), but really, she used the tone. Then she just didn't say anything, I guess she was waiting for me to answer her ridiculous comment, so I just said "yeah" and got back to asking her about my real problem. But fot the rest of the conversation, she talked to me in that "careful, this lady might be crazy, so lets not upset her" voice. You know, the too-friendly, overly slow, carefully enunciated way that people speak to children/the elderly/mentally ill.

Yeah, I was about done after that. I said "thanks for the help" click.

But the good news is, my chest is feeling a little better, and today I POOPED!

Maybe she annoyed the crap out of me.

doing better

hmm I guess it's time for an update. The really really good news first.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................................................................
....I have a psychiatrist!!!!! And he's NICE! And he listens!! And he didn't just tell me to go excercise!!!

I had my first appointment with him last Friday. We talked for a long time, mostly about my anxiety. He thinks I should be on an SSRI (Pristiq is an SNRI), so he asked me to go back on Lexapro. I started to cry, because I was scared. Remember, a few months ago Dr. Sean had me go on Lexapro and I thought I had seratonin syndrome from taking too many meds together? I just started worrying that this would happen again. I told the new doctor this and he talked with me about seratonin syndrome and how rare it is and how even the meds I am on would not cause it. He said if I started to worry or feel weird I could call his nurse, and he introduced me to her before I left so she would know who I was. So anyways, I have been taking the Lexapro since friday and already I feel better. I feel hopeful. BTW my new dr's name is Steenblock but I will just call him Dr. S.

I have dental work looming this afternoon. Last night I had two nightmares about it. Well, a nightmare within a nightmare. Like in the movie inception. I dream like that alot. Like, I will have a dream, and "wake up" into another dream. It's funky. Anyways, I am really dreading my dental appointment. I hope this new dentist is nice. I hope I dont have a panic attack and end up bawling my eyes out in front of everyone. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ed-wise things are ok. A few weeks ago I was feeling really great about my recovery and was even going to write a huge post about it, full of hope and insight and wisdom blah blah blah. Then I ran into a rough patch with my anxiety and for some reason it triggered alot of ED thoughts. Not behaviors, just thoughts about restricting and losing weight. And it made me wonder, am I really as recovered as I thought I was? I guess the fact that I didnt do any restricting or purging says something. But it seems that sometimes when I am struggling with other things in my life, the ED thoughts pop up like an old security blanket. Just when I thought they were gone, there they are. I guess that's probably normal though. I mean, it was my way of coping for years. I still feel good about where I am in my recovery, but some of the "rah rah go fight win" has been sucked out of me. And that's ok. I'll get it back.

XOLisa

look another post!

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Dr. Sean added Lexapro to my Pristiq-buspar-trazodone combo, and it has really helped with my mood. I have always liked Lexapro but my problem with it is that it stops working after awhile and the dose has to be raised and eventually I cant raise it anymore. The last time I was on it I got up to 60mgs (I think the highest FDA approved dose is 40mgs) and I got seratonin syndrome and started twitching. So that was no good.

I booked a party for Emma's 9th birthday at one of those paint-your-own-pottery places and I am hoping that all of the girls we invited will come, because it was mucho expensive and I have to pay for each spot, whether they show up or not. So keep your fingers crossed for us!

We might get to move back to our apartment this weekend. More on that later.

So here is something I am really excited about. I have been going to NAMI meetings and really like it. I am hoping to get more involved and then take the Peer Support training to become a Peer Support Specialist. Some of them even get paid! See, I have always said that even though I dont have a degree in psychology or social work my life experiences should count for something! I really want to be an advocate and a support for people because especially in this part of the country it seems like there are not alot of services to empower people with mental illness and it is easy to find yourself in a situation where you have no rights and noone is looking out for YOU! One thing I heard someone talk about at the last NAMI meeting I was at is "Nothing About Me, Without ME" which basically means that wherever possible, the "patient" should be included is meetings between doctors/case workers/ect. I really liked that. I mean seriously, if you were a cancer patient, your doctor wouldn't walk in and say "well I discussed treatment X with the nurse and had the social worker call your insurance to approve it and we are going to start it today (whether you like it or not). But stuff like this happens all the time to psychiatric patients in all sorts of settings.

Another awesome thing going on is I have started going to a NAMI writer's group led by two ISU grad students. It is like a real writer's class and I really like it! I am hoping it will get me out of the writer's block I have going on. For years I have wanted to write a book. I just feel a book in me. I finally put pencil to paper this summer and wrote what I thought was a very good first chapter, but since then I haven't been able to write anything. So we'll see where it goes.

Well that is about it.


P.S. Annie is watching me type this and she said "It looks borring. No kids stuff.".

buspar

Anyone out there ever take Buspar? I started taking it (again) two months ago and I think it is making me gain weight. The thing is, it's not supposed to cause weight gain or have side effects of any sort, really.
I want to stop taking it, to see if that is what is causing the weight gain. It isn't really helping my anxiety anyways. But I don't want to my doctor to think I am non-compliant.

Crap, I don't know what to do. Only just a month ago I was feeling like I was too thin. Now I feel like Jabba the Hut. Can't i ever be "just right"?

Tell me what you think about the buspar...

attention-seeking behavior

I have a confession to make. The last few days, I have been thinking about quitting eating altogether. Just stopping. Just throwing my hands up in the air and saying "Eff it, I'm done!".

Not because I think I'm fat (which I do ). But just so people will see. They will see that i am in the midst of a five alarm mental emergency. That I am anxious and depressed and everything is excrutiating and I'm not effing fine! I'm tired of looking so great. I hate it when I see people and they tell me how great I look! I dont feel great! I'm dying inside, and looking great isn't really paying off for me.

I just want my outsides to match my insides. I want people to see how much I am hurting. As I said to my therapist, there is no medical test or measurement of emotional pain. They cant draw my blood and look at it and say "gee, this kid is really losing it. Maybe we should try to get her in a little sooner." But if I quit eating....if I quit eating....that's a measurable and visible decline in health. Then suddenly, you are an urgent case. People move schedules around, they fit you in somehow.

My husband Chris is really the only one who knows how bad i am doing right now. Ironically, he is the one who I want NOT to know! It worries him so bad, and he has enough stress already. I hate to add to his burden.

This evening I made dinner for my family, then told Chris I wasn't up to eating and went in my room and laid down. As I lay there, I could hear Chris and the girls eating and the guilt began to gnaw at me and I asked myself "is this really what i want? Do I want my girls to have memories of dinnertimes where Mom wasn't there? Do I want Chris to sit at the table as the sole parent, his stomach churning with anxiety as he worries about his wife?". I told myself that this was not acceptable behavior, that I just needed to get my ass in gear and go into the kitchen and join them. So I went in and sat down and ate a little dinner. And purged afterwards.

I don't know how I got to the place where i am right now. I so desperately want to be the HEALTHY wife and mother that my family deserves! I can't "quit" eating. It would only make things worse. What do I do?

It occurs to me that I am not a bad person. I am just a person who is struggling with severe and persistent mental illness, who has been through some pretty drastic med shifts lately, who is currently between doctors right now, and who is not handling it very well. I am suffering. this is not my fault. I do, however, have a choice in how I will deal with things. Today I did not make good choices in regards to self care. I did, however, make other notable good choices. I emailed my daughter's teacher and volunteered to drive for a field trip. I took Annie to the park. I did 2 loads of laundry. I gave Emma an extra long backscratch because she is not feeling well.

See, I am hanging in there. By a thread.

psychobabble

I did not take my lithium last night, and I did not take it this morning. That might sound irresponsible, but i just couldn't stand it anyomore. I know it was the right choice. I woke up this morning feeling a little shaky, but better and more clear than I have in days.

Guys, lithium is bad stuff. maybe it's helpful for people with bipolar disorder, but I'm not bipolar!

For starters, it makes you constantly thirsty. And you have to drink alot of water, so your kidneys can clear the lithium and it doesnt build up to toxic levels in your system. And say goodbye to coffee and diet coke, because caffiene "competes" with the lithium as it passes through your kidneys.
You cant "diet" on lithium because it messes up your levels. In fact, it causes you to gain weight, an average of 20 pounds, because it messes with your thyroid and metabolism. Now you know I'm trying to be in ED recovery, but I still like to feel like i am in control of my body and the thought of ballooning up was freaking me out.
Lithium made my hands shake, my coordination was so off, I could barely shuffle across a room without running into something. I couldn't drive.
The worst part was feeling like a robot. I could not respond to my kids. I had to fake and force everythiing because it was like I had no feelings.

I seriously did not want to live if I had to live like that. It was worse than being depressed. I can't imagine what the psychiatrist in the hospital was thinking. He took me off nearly all my meds and put me on the lithium, without even knowing me.

So I guess I am just on pristiq and trazodone. This is the least amount of meds I have been on in a long time. Feels kind of strange. Naked, somehow. I mean, I did want to get off of some of those meds, but now that they are gone, it is like my security blanket has been taken away.

Sorry for the weird post. I still don't feel quite normal yet.

In other news, i got a haircut yesterday. I cant decide if I like it or not. Maybe I will post some pics later.

Thanks for all your concern and well-wishes. It has really meant alot to me. Being cut off from my blog certainly sucked. i am glad to be back.

Fear and Change

A lot has happened the past two days, or it seems like. I am trying to collect my thoughts. I wish my therapist was in on Fridays, but she isn't. I guess this blog will have to sub for therapy, which is ok because it has before.

Yesterday I completely freaked out. I think it was the strain of the past few days just wearing me down. I woke up very anxious and jumpy and had Chris dole me out a Xanax before he left for school. But at about 11:30 the Xanax wore off and I was even more anxious and then I started feeling suicidal. My meds are all locked up, but Chris had recently gotten some Lunesta which was not locked up and I had a strong feeling that if I was in the house any longer I was going to overdose on it. So I got Annie in the car and called Chris and told him that I was on my way to pick him up. His class was out but usually he takes the bus home, but I felt I had to get out of the house and cold not wait.
When we got home I was very upset and could not go back in the house. So I sat out in the car while Chris and Annie went in the house and had lunch. Then they came back and it was time for my appointment with Dr. Sean so we went there.
I was very upset at Dr.Sean's office, shaking, unable to talk or focus. Chris and the doctor talked most of the time. Dr. S decided to take me off Xanax, put me on librium instead, and increase my oral risperidone and also put me on risperidone injections right away. He wanted us to go to Walgreens (the only place that had the risperidal shot in stock) and come right back and have the nurse give me the shot. So we went to Walgreens but found out my insurance hadnt authorized the shot yet and it was like $280. So we called the Dr's office and he said it would be ok to wait until today after I had IOP, it would be authorized by then. He also had me make an appointment for next tues to come back to see him.
Then we went to hy-vee to get my librium but they didn't have any in stock. So I came home and took a Xanax and the rest of the evening was kind of a blur. At one point I asked Chris if it would be easier if I was just in a group home and he didn't have to be my caretaker and could go on with his life, but his answer was an emphatic "no". He got me a very lovely card at the Hy-vee and if made me feel alot better.

Ok, so I woke up this morning with these goals: go to IOP, pick up the risperdal shot and the Librium, take the shot to the Dr's office to have them inject it, stay calm and don't have a crisis.
At IOP, everything got shaken up.

I was supposed to see the psychiatrist at IOP for the first time today, but he was busy so he sent his physician's assistant to see me. The PA took my history, including the new meds from yesterday, and I could tell she was not happy. She had me wait while she consulted the doctor, and then she came back and told me to NOT get the shot, or the librium, and they want to take me off of most of my meds, starting with the methylphenidate right away. I just started to cry, because I was so anxious about this. I mean, i just had this "breakdown" yesterday, and Dr. S had changed some things and that was supposed to help, and here was this PA telling me to do the opposite. And the thing is, i know Dr. Sean and I trust him. These people don't know me at all.
On the way home i called Dr Seans nurse and talked to her and I was very upset and I didn't know what to do. Get the shot, dont get the shot? Go off the methylP? What about the librium? The PA told me to take Xanax in a pinch, but DR S didn't want me to take it anymore. AARRGH!

Dr. Sean called me back and told me that he had talked with the PA and I'm not even going to go into that whole conversation but basically he though I should do what they told me to do. So I was like "ok, see you tues" and he said no, they cancelled that appointment because the psychiatrist was going to do my meds now. So I just said "ok, well, take it easy then."

I feel as though my whole world has been shaken up. On one hand, I was looking forward to having a psychiatrist take a look at my meds. But I didn't know that he would switch everything around (without meeting me)! Who is this guy, anyway? Can I trust him? That might sound like a paranoid question, but I have dealt with psychiatrists who just as soon commit you as look at you. In the condition I was in yesterday, a psychiatrist might have committed me. I have always appreciated Dr. Seans's willingness to trust me and work with me. Now he is gone (or it feels like he is). Have I started down a risky road? Today at IOP I was signing releases and I noticed that one of them was for CPC, with is county case management, and i got really scared and asked them why they needed that release. I was thinking "are they thinking of putting me in a group home?"! But the lady said it was just a funding source, in case my insurance didn't pay for the IOP.

Part of me is thinking "run! run while you still can!". Have I started down a risky road that will lead to having my life controlled by psychiatrists and social workers again? Or am I just worrying too much. Should I quit IOP and just go back to DR Sean? But maybe he wouldn't take me back, after all, he agreed with the PA.

I don't know what to do. i will just try not to "be crazy". I am not going to give them any reason to committ me. I wish my therapist was in today. I would love to hear her take on all this.

I know I am getting paraniod because I was just in the tub and there was a knock on the door and the door bell rang at the same time, you know, like "officaial" people do. I felt cold all over because I knew it was the sherriff, come to take me to the psych ward, and all I could think is "no they cant do this! I'm ok! I'm not doing anything wrong!". But it was just the UPS guy with a book from Barnes and Noble.com. Sigh of relief.

well, here's a bit of good news

So I am feeling a little better today. This morning I was counting my Ativan and i realized that I didn't take a third one on thursday. I just counted wrong or something. So that was a huge relief, and I feel like I am taking the meds responsibly.
I saw Dr. S at the saturday clinic for my vitamin b shot and mentioned to him that the Ativan wasn't working that well so he gave me a weeks worth of Xanax and he wants my husband to come in with me to my appointment next week, just to get his view of how I am handling the benzos. I feel good about this and I am glad I have my husband and my doctor's support. My meds are all still locked up, and I am totally ok with that, especially with having benzo's in the house and all.

I feel so fragile right now but will do just about anything not to have to go to the psych ward. I am just trying to take things one day at a time. Thanks so much for all your support!

The Curious Case of the Missing Ativan

so yeasterday, Doc Sean gave me a presctiption for 7 ativan, or one per day for the week. Not 7 in one day, or 3 one day and 4 the next. One per day.

I tried so hard to be good.

But, 45 minutes after taking the first one, I was still anxious and basically felt no different. I told him I needed a stronger dose. So I decided to take another half of a pill. about 20 minutes after that, I was feeling a little better, so I decided that taking the other half wouldn't hurt. Two pills for the day, that's just one more than one. Not so bad, right? Ahh, sweet relief! I was golden for the rest of the night.

But today I am wondering, why is my memory last night so spotty. Like, full of holes. I just kind of remember bits and pieces of our evening, Chris and i (mostly Chris) babysitting our friends baby. Having dinner. I remember putting annie to bed and watching "fringe" with Chris. I don't know, I just feel so confused and hazy about the whole thing, which is not a feeling I like to have.

So just now I went to take an ativan and I noticed that there were only 4 left in the bottle. Which means that at some point last night I took a third ativan. Which I totally dont remember. I called Chris immediately and asked him if I was acting weird last night. Like, stumbling around and slurring my speech like I used to do when I was on Xanax. He said no, and if anything I just seemed happier and more relaxed than he had seen me for awhile. I told him about the phantom dosing and we talked about it and agreed that he should be the keeper of the benzos for now.

I admit, I feel just a little ashamed and embarassed that after only one day on ativan I was able to eff things up. So I am a little down on myself today. I don't know, maybe some of you reading this would say "hey, this is just a daily occurence for me". Or maybe you are horrified at my irresponsible drug taking and are ready to mount a cyber-intervention. Well, don't worry. i'm the first to admit that taking meds that you dont even know you are taking is a bad deal, and I am going to be totally honest with my doctor, also mentioning, of course, that this might not have happened if he had given me the higher dose that I wanted.

I just feel like a huge dumbass.

My lovely doctor visit

Well, today has not been my favorite day.

It is sooo cold and rainy and I have had to run a million errands and have been freezing all day!
I have had a MONSTER headache for much of the day, and the Healthy Choice frozen dinner that I had for lunch is threatening to come back up.

The doctors appointment was, well, sucktastic. I am actually wishing I had lost the weight, even though I know that would be a bad thing. But as Dr Sean was listening to my list of GI complaints I had the feeling that he really wasn't taking them too seriously. Here it is: I have a general feeling of nausea pretty much all the time which gets really bad after I eat. Food just hangs out in my stomach forever and I get really urpy and bloaty (yum I know). I cant take a dump to save my life except when I take the Miralax, but then things swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and I am in the bathroom all day. Also, When I take Miralax my pristiq (antideppressant) passes through undigested. For reals! It's pretty dramatic.

Well, the good doctor said that my motility is impaired from my eating disorder and it would probably take several months with no purging and regular eating for it to get back to normal. The bowel situation is due to past laxative abuse and will probably be a problem that I will have
for a long time. I may have to be on the Miralax long-term.

So the doctors orders today are: Increase the Buspar (for anxiety)
Decrease the Trazodone (because the Seroquel and the
Risperdal knock me out just fine, thank you)
Get back on the Miralax, half doses
Prilosec OTC
Prilosec OTC. As in OVER THE COUNTER! Bwahahah! I wanted medical tests! I wanted REAL meds! I feel like crap all the time and I want to feel better and I'm skeptical that anything from the antacid counter at Hy-Vee is going to help me!!!

Yes, I do find it incredibly ironic that I'm always complaining about how many meds I'm on, and now I'm complaining that the doctor isn't putting me on more meds. REAL ones, anyway.

I guess there is no pleasing me.

So I bought myself some Tums and Gas-x when I got the Prilosec. Just as a consolation.

So- here is a puzzle for you:

I cant take the tums or gasx until a few hours after I have taken the prilosec. I have to take the Pristiq in the morning. I have to take the buspar three times a day, but not with my evening meds. I have to take the miralax BY ITSELF!
Soooo....

I think I will take the pristiq and prilosec and a dose of Buspar first thing in the morning. That way by noon, when the tummy trouble usually starts, I can have the tums and gasx.
More buspar at noon.
Miralax around 3 pm.
buspar at 6.
Seroquel, Trazodone, and risperidone half hour before bedtime.

Looks like I have a new hobby.

visit to grandma (and the psychiatrist)

Well I am feeling a little better about things today. I called Servicemaster and scheduled a complete duct and furnace cleaning for the new place to get rid of cat dander. It's going to be $300! Now i wish I hadn't done that trip last weekend but it can't be helped now.
I talked to the new landlords for awhile and they really are nice people. I guess they have to have strict rules or people would be saying all kinds of things to get out of a lease. They ARE going to put in new drapes and of course have the carpets cleaned. So well just see how it goes.

I took the girls to my mom's today. Incidently my mom has a cat, and Annie was playing with it and only got one hive and no itching or runny nose. And we were there for several hours. So I am feeling a little more hopeful that once our new place is sufficiently cleaned and de-catified she will be ok. Anyway, we had a really nice visit with my mom. She is starting radiation for her cancer on friday and is otherwise doing ok.

I saw my psychiatrist tonight and he raised my risperidone and Pristiq. He was also talking about adding Depakote but I nixed that one cause it can cause MAJOR weight gain! Plus I am already on seroquel, which causes weight gain. So, given that my risperidone was raised twice in the last 2 months, and i take it at night along with trazodone and seroquel, I think the fact that I get up in the morning is a major accomplishment. I think we are trying to kill my anxiety by brute force or something.

Things with Chris are a little strained right now. I pretty much feel like I have been dealing with the "Annie allergy crisis" on my own. He gave me the usual "it'll be ok. We'll figure it out" followed by lack of action. There are some other things going on but I don't really want to talk about it on this blog. All I can say is, stress! Please pass the atypical antipsychotics!

Overall I am feeling a little better. Oh, is it just me or is TV getting stupider? ABC's new reality show is called "dating in the dark" and that's all it is! They throw 2 people in a dark room and let them get to know eachother. Riiiggghhht. Oh, and don't get me started on "More to Love".

med changes and mild triggers

Well, i did get in to see my psychiatrist about that whole anger thing i wrote about in my last post. He doesn't think it's the Seroquel. He thinks the most likely culprit is the Topamax, which we increased last month. He wants me to taper off the Topamax, and increase the risperdal.

Here's the really annoying thing. He asked me why i was on topamax in the first place (ok, it's annoying that my doctor doesn't know why he is prescribing my meds apparantly but no, that is not the annoying thing to which i am referring) and i couldn't quite remember. He said that it wasn't proven to be good for Bipolar disorder, and he was going through his notes, and then he said "I think you were on it to lose weight."!
Gggaaaahhh! Are you freaking kidding me? At no point (outside of my own imagination) have i needed to lose weight, or sought medical help for such a problem. Especially not recently! In fact, i had just come from an appointment with the dietitian where we were discussing my overall goal of weigh gain. But of course, as soon as he said that, i thought "I must look like i need to lose weight. I must look fat. Blah blah blah....". Seriously! This guy knows i have an ED, why would he say that to me! What a gomer! Well, I guess he's only human and can make mistakes, but still. He really isn't very involved on the ED front. The reason I see him is because he is one of only two docs in town who do ECT's, so just in case i need the "electrical cure" again he could do it.
In the end, we figured out that i was taking Topamax because a few studies have shown that it is helpful in cases of bulimia. And personally, i kind of like the appetite suppressing qualities, especially since i am taking risperidal and seroquel, bolth of which increase the appetite. So i am a little nervous about going off the topamax and increasing the risperidal. I'm worried i'm going to gain weight out-of-control, and let's face it, my body image isn't so hot already. I think about restricting ALL THE TIME (not acting on it, just thinking about it). I just want to find a way to be happy and not think about food, weight, or my body! If only there was a pill for that...

BTW I HAVEN'T PURGED IN 10 DAYS!

update

this is just a quick update. I will write more later. I was hospitalised on a psych unit for a week and got out about a week ago. While i was there i found out that my mom had a reccurance of a melanoma ( skin cancer) that she had 15 years ago and it is in her lymph system wich could be bad. I will find out more about that this wed. I also got some more very bad news that i am not sure that i want to talk about yet or at all. Needless to say i havent been dealing with any of this very well and my psych doc added seroquel to my regimen ( im off all the benzo's) which has helped alot. Before the seroquel i was worrying about things constantly and crying alot and my stomach hurt from the stress so i could barely eat. Now i feel much better but the downside is that i am not really emoting at all and am feeling quite sedated. But i guess that is ok for now because i can function ( even if i am functioning like a robot). I am wondering a little bit if i am on too many meds. I am on lexapro, topamax, pristiq, risperidal, seroquel, and trazodone. I typed them into this website where you can check your drug regimen for interactions and there were like 7 moderate interactions and 3 severe. But they were all ones i knew about before, like sedation and overheating and seratonin syndrome. Oh, and i wont be going on the grapefruit diet anytime soon. Ha ha laugh that was a little joke :) . I am just going to try to trust my doctor that he is going to try to do what is best for me. Peace out :)