visit to grandma (and the psychiatrist)

Well I am feeling a little better about things today. I called Servicemaster and scheduled a complete duct and furnace cleaning for the new place to get rid of cat dander. It's going to be $300! Now i wish I hadn't done that trip last weekend but it can't be helped now.
I talked to the new landlords for awhile and they really are nice people. I guess they have to have strict rules or people would be saying all kinds of things to get out of a lease. They ARE going to put in new drapes and of course have the carpets cleaned. So well just see how it goes.

I took the girls to my mom's today. Incidently my mom has a cat, and Annie was playing with it and only got one hive and no itching or runny nose. And we were there for several hours. So I am feeling a little more hopeful that once our new place is sufficiently cleaned and de-catified she will be ok. Anyway, we had a really nice visit with my mom. She is starting radiation for her cancer on friday and is otherwise doing ok.

I saw my psychiatrist tonight and he raised my risperidone and Pristiq. He was also talking about adding Depakote but I nixed that one cause it can cause MAJOR weight gain! Plus I am already on seroquel, which causes weight gain. So, given that my risperidone was raised twice in the last 2 months, and i take it at night along with trazodone and seroquel, I think the fact that I get up in the morning is a major accomplishment. I think we are trying to kill my anxiety by brute force or something.

Things with Chris are a little strained right now. I pretty much feel like I have been dealing with the "Annie allergy crisis" on my own. He gave me the usual "it'll be ok. We'll figure it out" followed by lack of action. There are some other things going on but I don't really want to talk about it on this blog. All I can say is, stress! Please pass the atypical antipsychotics!

Overall I am feeling a little better. Oh, is it just me or is TV getting stupider? ABC's new reality show is called "dating in the dark" and that's all it is! They throw 2 people in a dark room and let them get to know eachother. Riiiggghhht. Oh, and don't get me started on "More to Love".

st lukes

wow, i feel like it has been forever since i have posted...even though it has only been one day... i just have so many thooughts rolling around in my head...

Thanks everyone for your support and for asking aboutt my mom and stuff. I finally got to go down to Cedar Rapids to spend the day with her yesterday. First let me say that for me, walking into St Lukes is always a little uncomfortable for me, as i have been a "guest" of their psych ward many times. But the last time i was there was is 2000, so it has been awhile. Still, i get nervous. i did see one person i knew from my stay in child psych, but i didnt think he recognised me. I just held my head up and kept telling myself "that was a long time ago. I'm a different person now!".
Anyway-back to my mom. She looked really good and was up sitting in a chair and everything. I helped her go on these walks she's supposed to do 4x a day, which are kind of an ordeal cause we have to bring the iv pole and the catheter and the chest tube thingy. So it's more of a shuffle than a walk. Oh- i brought my mom the one mushroom i found the other day cause i thought she might want to see it-she hunts mushrooms too and is really sad to be missing out on mushroom season. She got ridiculously excited over it and showed it to everybody that came into the room- doctors, visitors, everybody! And it was so small and pitiful and dried up, but she really got a kick out of it. She is going too shelac (sp?) it and wear it on a necklace! My mom is kind of a hippie :)

I did get emotional one time, when i was getting ready to help my mom wash her hair. My mom said to me in a serious voice "lisa if this makes you uncomfortable at all you dont have to do it". I just hugged her and told her that i knew it was possible someday i might have to take care of her more and i was ready, or something like that. I was kind of choked up. i think it meant alot to her cause she was choked up too. Then we got down to the business of hair washing and the moment passed.

I know this is a long post already, but i wanted to write about something else. When i was helping my mom get ready for her walk before lunch i was standing with her chest tube drainage thingy in a akward position and i was feeling king of weak and could feel myself becominf frustrated and i knew it was because i had not eaten well so far that day. So i thought" I should eat something soon" and then i thought "no its too early" and then i thought " no, no this won't do at all. How can i have the strength to stay here all day and help my mom if i'm restricting!" And then and there i decided to eat lunch when moms lunch came. So when moms luch came i went down to the cafeteria, picked up a tray, and it was almost surreal. Maybe it was because i was in a hospital cafeteria, but i knew exactly what to get. There was no freaking out, no calorie counting. Meat, potato, veggie, roll, cookie. The only thing missing was the milk but ok i will NOT go that far! And i ate all of it, and didnt purge or freak out. I felt strangely calm the rest of the day.
I thought about things on the drive home. i know alot of people say you cant get better for someone else, but cant that be good motivation? Like my mom, what if she needs full time care someday and i am too sick with my ED to help out, or in and out of the hospital myself? I feel motivated right now by a need to be strong, physically and emotionally, so i can handle whatever comes next. And it felt good, really REALLY good, to be on the giving end, instead of the recieving end, of help. I am by no means cured, just extra motivated, but i'll take what i can get.

cancer

my mom is in surgery at this very moment. She is having a growth of melanoma removed form her chest cavity. most people think of melanoma as being a skin cancer, which it is, but my mom's is stage 4, which means it has gone inside the body and has infiltrated the lymph system and stuff. It still doesn't seem real to me. Like, 18 years ago she has a cancerous mole removed, and then everything was fine, until this last december, when she found a lump in her breast. At first they thought it was breast cancer, but a biopsy showed it was melanoma, and the only thing that the doctors can think is it spread from the mole that was removed 18 years ago. So anyway, they removed that lump, and she has been on interferon to help stop/slow down the growth of new cancer in her body, but since december this new one has grown in her chest despite the treatments. And it is in a bad place- near the spine and the aorta. So i hope they get it all.

She will be in the hospital 5-10 days. She is going to have two chest tubes and an epidural for the pain and a various other tubes and medical thingys. I am going to drive down to cedar rapids as much as i can over the next several days to see her. i am kind of stressed ou cause i still have my kids to take care of here- chris is working and has finals this week. And i had to reschedule my therapy and my first dietitian appt, but i am going to stilll go to my psychiatrist appt this week, cause i am running out of meds. I am doing ok, though. Still cant seem to get through a day w/o purging, but i am having some success with eating small portions of regular meals and keeping them down and not freaking out too bad. because of this my weight was up slightly when i weighed myself the other day, but i am trying to have a healthy attitude about it. i figure i might need a little extra padding right now, a little margin for error, because between my moms cancer and dealing with my evil ex and the upcoming move, i sense some stressful times up ahead. I dont want any stress- related weight loss to put me in the danger zone. Does that make any sense?

It's so beautiful now, and we are outside playing alot, and it's kind of weird, but sometimes i find myself getting angry at the sun. You know, because it gave my mom this cancer. Which i know is totally irrational. And not to mention stupid, since the sun gives every living thing on this planet life, every day. i guess i'm just feeling angry. And helpless.

iced perro!

Well its friday and i made it through another week! Yay! I'm feeling kind of discouraged on the ED front- after five days of no behaviors i had 2 days of bingeing and purging followed by 2 more good days, and then this morning i b/p again. I guess i should just be happy for the success that i have had, but i wish i could be more consistant. I want LASTING recovery, where i dont binge or purge anymore at all. Maybe i am just getting ahead of myself. I am glad that there has been some improvement, and even though it hasnt quite been 2 weeks yet since i started my contract, i think its safe to say that i dont have to look for inpatient treatment. This makes me VERY happy.
I'm still workinng on acceoting my body. I know that eventually i will have ti gain weight if i want a shot at long term recovry. I just don't know- if i can't accept my body right now, how will i accept it at a higher weight?
My life is kind of borring right now. I went to my moms cabin yesterday to spend some time with her. She had some friends there, and i kind of felt like a third wheel. Story of my life.
Oh! How could i have forgotten- I have a new passion (besides diet orange sunkist)! It's iced Perro (or Postum)! I can't drink coffee cause i'm LDS, but i used to drink alot before i joined the church. And i LOVED iced coffee drinks! Well, there is this stuff called perro, it's this fake coffee drink thats ok for mormons. I make a really strong cup (cause the ice will water it down) add ice, and hazelnut flavored splenda and some milk. It's so good! My only complaint is that it doesnt have caffiene. But thats ok i guess, i really dont need the caffiene. Well i hhope everyone has beautiful weather like we do here. Love, all :)