wow, i feel like it has been forever since i have posted...even though it has only been one day... i just have so many thooughts rolling around in my head...
Thanks everyone for your support and for asking aboutt my mom and stuff. I finally got to go down to Cedar Rapids to spend the day with her yesterday. First let me say that for me, walking into St Lukes is always a little uncomfortable for me, as i have been a "guest" of their psych ward many times. But the last time i was there was is 2000, so it has been awhile. Still, i get nervous. i did see one person i knew from my stay in child psych, but i didnt think he recognised me. I just held my head up and kept telling myself "that was a long time ago. I'm a different person now!".
Anyway-back to my mom. She looked really good and was up sitting in a chair and everything. I helped her go on these walks she's supposed to do 4x a day, which are kind of an ordeal cause we have to bring the iv pole and the catheter and the chest tube thingy. So it's more of a shuffle than a walk. Oh- i brought my mom the one mushroom i found the other day cause i thought she might want to see it-she hunts mushrooms too and is really sad to be missing out on mushroom season. She got ridiculously excited over it and showed it to everybody that came into the room- doctors, visitors, everybody! And it was so small and pitiful and dried up, but she really got a kick out of it. She is going too shelac (sp?) it and wear it on a necklace! My mom is kind of a hippie :)
I did get emotional one time, when i was getting ready to help my mom wash her hair. My mom said to me in a serious voice "lisa if this makes you uncomfortable at all you dont have to do it". I just hugged her and told her that i knew it was possible someday i might have to take care of her more and i was ready, or something like that. I was kind of choked up. i think it meant alot to her cause she was choked up too. Then we got down to the business of hair washing and the moment passed.
I know this is a long post already, but i wanted to write about something else. When i was helping my mom get ready for her walk before lunch i was standing with her chest tube drainage thingy in a akward position and i was feeling king of weak and could feel myself becominf frustrated and i knew it was because i had not eaten well so far that day. So i thought" I should eat something soon" and then i thought "no its too early" and then i thought " no, no this won't do at all. How can i have the strength to stay here all day and help my mom if i'm restricting!" And then and there i decided to eat lunch when moms lunch came. So when moms luch came i went down to the cafeteria, picked up a tray, and it was almost surreal. Maybe it was because i was in a hospital cafeteria, but i knew exactly what to get. There was no freaking out, no calorie counting. Meat, potato, veggie, roll, cookie. The only thing missing was the milk but ok i will NOT go that far! And i ate all of it, and didnt purge or freak out. I felt strangely calm the rest of the day.
I thought about things on the drive home. i know alot of people say you cant get better for someone else, but cant that be good motivation? Like my mom, what if she needs full time care someday and i am too sick with my ED to help out, or in and out of the hospital myself? I feel motivated right now by a need to be strong, physically and emotionally, so i can handle whatever comes next. And it felt good, really REALLY good, to be on the giving end, instead of the recieving end, of help. I am by no means cured, just extra motivated, but i'll take what i can get.
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago