k, so tommorrow is my first appointment with the dietitian and i am having some serious misgivings, doubts, fears, ect. I know people can relate to this because alot of the things i have been thinking have been written in other blogs at various times over the last several months. Like the perrenial favorite "i'm too fat to see a dietitian". But here's the deal- when i got the referral for the D i was somewhat underweight and therefore thought i "deserved " the help- not that any of you who aren't underweight and see a D dont deserve it, i just hold myself to a different standard, screwed up, i know. So anyway, since then i havent been working out for various reasons, and i have been able to eat some regular meals without purging (yay), thus there has been some gain, how much i dont know, but i know i am not underweight anymore, which is a good thing, but it makes me feel crummy and worthless and undeserving of help. Phew!
On the flipside, i am still purging every day. And im not consistenly keeping meals down. So maybe there is some value to me seeing the D. And i also would like to know what my target weight is once and for all, cause i think that the target they put me up to at the univ of ia hospital ed program (aka evil hell) was way too high. And that's not just my ed talking, i'm basing that on the charts and graphs and stuff. I mean, it was in the normal range, but at the high end of normal; why would you do that to someone with an ed? Just to freak them out? So maybe the D could give me a more doable target and we could go from there.
I really should quit stressing out about all this and just keep an open mind. I'm sure there is stuff she can help me with, even if i dont need to gain weight. And i'm going to be honest and tell her every thought i just wrote about, so she can confirm or deny any truth in my thinking.
Mom is still in the hospital. I have gotten to go see her a few more times. She is doing well, but has abnormal chest tube drainage (yuck, i know) so she cant go home until that gets better.
Oh, and Emma is going to Bosnia with Zlatko for a month on june 6th. More on that heaping pile o'goodness later.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago