Monday, May 11, 2009

cold feet

k, so tommorrow is my first appointment with the dietitian and i am having some serious misgivings, doubts, fears, ect. I know people can relate to this because alot of the things i have been thinking have been written in other blogs at various times over the last several months. Like the perrenial favorite "i'm too fat to see a dietitian". But here's the deal- when i got the referral for the D i was somewhat underweight and therefore thought i "deserved " the help- not that any of you who aren't underweight and see a D dont deserve it, i just hold myself to a different standard, screwed up, i know. So anyway, since then i havent been working out for various reasons, and i have been able to eat some regular meals without purging (yay), thus there has been some gain, how much i dont know, but i know i am not underweight anymore, which is a good thing, but it makes me feel crummy and worthless and undeserving of help. Phew!

On the flipside, i am still purging every day. And im not consistenly keeping meals down. So maybe there is some value to me seeing the D. And i also would like to know what my target weight is once and for all, cause i think that the target they put me up to at the univ of ia hospital ed program (aka evil hell) was way too high. And that's not just my ed talking, i'm basing that on the charts and graphs and stuff. I mean, it was in the normal range, but at the high end of normal; why would you do that to someone with an ed? Just to freak them out? So maybe the D could give me a more doable target and we could go from there.

I really should quit stressing out about all this and just keep an open mind. I'm sure there is stuff she can help me with, even if i dont need to gain weight. And i'm going to be honest and tell her every thought i just wrote about, so she can confirm or deny any truth in my thinking.

Mom is still in the hospital. I have gotten to go see her a few more times. She is doing well, but has abnormal chest tube drainage (yuck, i know) so she cant go home until that gets better.

Oh, and Emma is going to Bosnia with Zlatko for a month on june 6th. More on that heaping pile o'goodness later.


Kara said...

You said it "just don't stress and keep an open mind." That's what you gotta do for the D. I still have to talk myself into going to each appointment. I totally understand your fears and concerns and the holding yourself up to a different standard thing - but I really think that seeing a D has potential to be really valuable to you. Generally I don't find my D appointments very helpful, but every once and a while I really need them and they are really helpful - like when she taught me the behavior chain that I blogged about a little while ago. So I'm rambling, but you are right, just keep an open mind and don't stress. And you gotta give it some time. Focus on just getting yourself to the first appointment, but know that just one appointment isn't going to be enough. You can do it!!!

Kara said...

So how did the appointment go? I want to hear everything!

Zena said...

how did it go??? Im dying to know!!!